Wednesday, May 27, 2015



I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching 
To reverse and leaving the scene

I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it 
says "Don't be a smart-ass"..... 

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the 
IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. 
He hates me. 

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, 
keep your guard up. 
You're experiencing what scientists refer to as 
"the eye of the shitstorm." 

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops. 
You'd think they would have went before the race.

Wal-Mart announced plans to open its first retail stores in 
India and China. 
Tags on clothes and stickers on items will read “Made Here”... 

I got kicked out of Walmart the other day... 
I walked into the store and saw a yellow sign with big bold 
letters: WET FLOOR 
So I did..

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of 
sucking his thumb. 
His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop 
sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over 
for a game of bridge. 
The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman 
and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped 
and fell before it got to you. 

The best description of Obamacare so far: 
Remember when Nancy Pelosi said: 
"We have to pass it, to find out what's in it." 
A physician called into a radio show and said: 
"That's the definition of a stool sample." 

Woman to friend : "I know I serve well-balanced 
One day my husband complains and the next day 
the kids complain."