Tuesday, April 7, 2015

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You would be amazed at the things you can learn about 
the world when you don’t believe it revolves around you. 

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Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy's fault. 
Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney's fault. 

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In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most 
educated country in the world. 
Here in America it's National Cheeseburger Day. 

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I consider the word Dodge on the front of my truck as fair 
warning to jaywalkers. 

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Hey, My daughter is no prize either....
Last week I caught her gluing worms to the sidewalk so that 
birds could get hernias. 

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 I told my doctor that I took a whole bottle of sleeping pills, 
he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 

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My superpower is destroying the neighbors living 
room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and 
my laser pointer. 

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When someone tells me how old their kid is in 
months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they 
know what I just went through. 

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Pretty sure the neighbors are impressed with the 
banging and screaming they heard. 
Little do they know it was just me chasing a spider. 

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I always said I'd never chase after a woman, but
the older I get, I seriously consider power-walking 
after one. 

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I gave my keys to the Taco Bell valet when I showed up and 
now he's nowhere to be seen. 

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