You would be amazed at the things you can learn about
the world when you don’t believe it revolves around you.
Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy's fault.
Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney's fault.
In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most
educated country in the world.
Here in America it's National Cheeseburger Day.
I consider the word Dodge on the front of my truck as fair
warning to jaywalkers.
Hey, My daughter is no prize either....
Last week I caught her gluing worms to the sidewalk so that
birds could get hernias.
I told my doctor that I took a whole bottle of sleeping pills,
he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living
room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and
my laser pointer.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in
months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they
know what I just went through.
Pretty sure the neighbors are impressed with the
banging and screaming they heard.
Little do they know it was just me chasing a spider.
I always said I'd never chase after a woman, but
the older I get, I seriously consider power-walking
I gave my keys to the Taco Bell valet when I showed up and
now he's nowhere to be seen.