Wife: "you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning
was a wise idea?"
W: "they're running along side the car"
"I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad the
homeless guy's dog, because he must be thinking
'Man, this is the longest walk ever.'"
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good,
they taste good and they will slowly kill you.
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were once again
spending Saturday night at the City Bar, and
after several hours of steady drinking,
Thibodeaux suddenly fell backwards off of the
barstool and onto the floor, passed out cold.
Boudreaux looks at Thib, looks up at the
bartender, and remarks, "Dat's what I like about
He knows when he done had enough to drink."
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike
and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon
doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor.
She's had a headache for the past 15 years.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a
donut so you don't have to share.
If there is not a open bar and a goddamn
delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift
card to Walmart back.
Are we still burning witches?
It's the 21st century.
We should be microwaving them.
My son's favorite toy is the free blood pressure
machine at Walgreens...