Tuesday, April 14, 2015


Wife: "you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning 
was a wise idea?"
 Me: "why?"
 W: "they're running along side the car"

"I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad the 
homeless guy's dog, because he must be thinking 
'Man, this is the longest walk ever.'"

Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, 
they taste good and they will slowly kill you. 

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were once again 
spending Saturday night at the City Bar, and 
after several hours of steady drinking, 
Thibodeaux suddenly fell backwards off of the 
barstool and onto the floor, passed out cold. 
Boudreaux looks at Thib, looks up at the 
bartender, and remarks, "Dat's what I like about 
He knows when he done had enough to drink." 

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike 
and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon 
doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. 
She's had a headache for the past 15 years. 

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a 
donut so you don't have to share. 

If there is not a open bar and a goddamn 
delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift 
card to Walmart back. 

Are we still burning witches? 
It's the 21st century. 
We should be microwaving them.  

My son's favorite toy is the free blood pressure 
machine at Walgreens...