Some might say I peed my pants.
I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the
classy refined gentleman that I am.
Not sure why the wife is only mad at me.
The 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
As a kid, I didn't want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I'm a parent and don't want to get caught by my kids.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every
time I get invited to something I don't want to do.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to
make it safely through a bad neighborhood.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you
caught me speeding.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you're wearing them?
Don't worry about choosing between a job you love & one
that pays money because you won't be able to find either.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me
for a date.
Then I realized it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I'm gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so
that if I hit anything it'd at least be a little funny.