Saturday, April 4, 2015



A small private plane was flying over southwest Florida when 
all of a sudden the engine died, miles away from any airport. 
The pilot turned to his wife and said, “Don’t worry, Honey, 
there are dozens of golf courses in this area. 
I’ll just land on the next one I see.” 
To which his wife screamed, “What you mean ‘don’t worry?’ 
I’ve seen you play! You’ll never hit the fairway!” 

I just bought a guard dog and he's really good. 
I haven't been able to get in my house for the past three days. 

“The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is 
so you can’t see him laughing.” 
~ Phyllis Diller 

Six out of seven of Snow White's dwarves are on 
The seventh is Happy..

The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous 
is admitting you don't have a problem.

I believe in taking the bull by the horns. 
Then I believe in steering it in the direction of whoever's 
annoying me. 

I'm boycotting 50 Shades of Grey 
because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

A Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a shul in 
New York, when a gust of wind blew his hat
off and down the street. 
He was an old man, who walked with the aid 
of a cane, and who wasn't able to fetch his hat. 
Across the street, a young gentile man saw 
what was happening, rushed over and grabbed 
the hat. 
He then returned it to the Rabbi. 
"I don't think I could have retrieved my hat 
by myself," said the Rabbi. 
"Thank you very much!" 
He then placed his hand on the man's 
shoulder and said, "May God bless you."
The young man thought to himself, "I've been 
blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky 
He decided then and there to go to the 
In the first race he noted a horse named 
'Stetson' at 20 to 1. 
He bet $50 and, sure enough, the horse came 
in first. 
In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' 
was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that 
horse.......  Fedora came in first, as well.
At the end of the day the man returned home 
to his wife. 
She asked him where he's been. 
He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, 
and how he was blessed by him, and how he 
then went to the track and bet on horses 
which were named after hats. 
"So where's the money?" she said. 
"I lost it all in the ninth race. 
I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost." 
"You fool, 'chateau' is a house, 'chapeau' is a 
hat!" exlaimed his wife. 
"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was 
some Japanese horse named Yarmulka. 

I went to see a psychic yesterday. 
He said, "What's your name? 
I said, "I want my money back."

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil 
He sold his soul to Santa.