Sunday, April 5, 2015


The neck pillow I was using on the Greyhound bus 
turned out to be an adult diaper somebody left on the seat. 

Don't tell me about your drinking problem...
until you've tried to start a conga line at a funeral. 

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture 
and they hand you the camera.

I don't know about you guys, but girls that wear pink 
camo piss me off. 
What you huntin' child? Flamingos?

Watson, a longtime sales representative became 
dissatisfied with his career and decided to become a 
police officer. 
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked 
his new job. 
"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great and the hours are 
long, but one thing I really like is that the customer is 
always wrong.!

Started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper, 
but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars. 

A doctor examining a woman who had been 
rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband
aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife 
at all. ”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. 
"But she's a great cook and really good with the 

One day, a group of terrorists hijacked a Bar Association 
charter flight. 
The terrorists announced that, until their demands were 
met, they would release one lawyer per hour.

I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over 
them tonight.... 
It's probably not a good night to go to jail. 

Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee. 
You know what'd go well with this?" 
Me: "The antidote?" 
Boss: "No, a nice..Wait, what?" 
Me: "Nothing" 

Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after 
I die.