Being healthy only means you are dying as slow as possible....
An Airline starts a new concept... Chef on Board.
This demanding passenger walks into a plane
and tells the hostess, "Lemme get a cheeseburger,
not too rare, not too well done, but right in the
"Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too
burnt, but right in the groove.
"And while you're at it, throw in a shake, not too
thin, not too thick, but right in groove."
The hostess took down the order and came back
five minutes later and told the man:
"The chef said you can kiss his ASS, not to the left,
not to the right, but right in the groove.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
One goes WHACK "Damn." and the other goes "Damn."
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit
in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the
He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it
back into the cage at the neighbor's house,
hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy,
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stammers and says, "Um... no...
The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his
cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day
after we buried him, someone had dug him up,
gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don't.
So, from now on I'm only getting upset about
squirrels and mailmen.
The Dr. said he had some good news and bad
The good news is the amputation surgery went
off without a hitch.
Not a single complication.
The bad news is it was the wrong limb.
Having a dog around pretty much denies
any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second
rule on a dropped chip...
Every time I go for a run I think,
"why am I even doing this?"
Then I look back and see all the cops chasing
me and it's like "oh yeah, duh."
People that say;
"The worst kind of cut is a paper cut" probably
haven't been stabbed in the face before.