Tuesday, March 31, 2015



Tom had a wife named Ruth. 
David was having an affair with Ruth and Tom found 
out about it sometime later. 
This made Tom very angry so he blasted them both
away with a shotgun when he caught Ruth and David 
in bed together one evening. 
Now Tom no longer had any Ruth in his life. 
His life was now one Ruth LESS than it was while she 
was still living. 
This is how the term "ruthless" came about. 
PS- don't ask me why the former capital R in 
"ruthless" was changed to a lower-case R. 

Unrestrained children in the back seat can cause accidents. 
Unrestrained accidents in the back seat can cause children.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are 
"stupid" and "thoughtless" clearly have no idea how 
hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his "1 to 10" well. 
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" 
"Good. What comes after three?” 
"Four," answers the boy. 
"What comes after six?" 
"Very good," says the teacher. 
"Your erm...dad did a good job. 
Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?" 
"A jack!" 

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, 
so I shot it...... 

Had a band called Free Beer...... 
Looked great on the Marquee, attendance was great...
then the riot squad showed up..... 

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer 
keyboard & earned an online college degree. 

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet;
 my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. 
"The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the 
When he falls off, you'll know."

I helped organize my lawyer's funeral this week, 
but apparently he has to be dead before we can go 
ahead with it. 

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. 
Not sure what I'll do that second week....