We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and
technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about
science and technology.
You know you're Italian if:
You have at least one sister who went to beauty school.
You have ever been in a fight defending Sylvester Stallone's
It's impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5ft 6in., it is presumed
his mother had an affair.
You are a card-carrying VIP at more than three strip clubs.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel
agent are all blood relatives.
You're 5ft 4in., can bench press 325lbs., shave twice a day,
but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going
Just been told that I was a mistake and it would have been
better if I was never born.
What a weird thing for the Postman to say.
A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...
the grass was very thick and long, and it took the
boy about 4 hours to cut.
He approached the Father for payment and the
priest paid him $1.00.
The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest replied, "What did you say?"
The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?"
The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"
For me, the hardest part of the driving test was
escaping before the car filled with ocean water.
Last weekend I was in the grocery store getting a
gallon of milk.
As a walk up to the check out line the lady in front
of me turns around and says, " You are such a doll,
you look almost identical to my daughter."
Being polite I said thank you and asked the woman
if her daughter was in college?
The woman replied, "No she died about 2 years
ago in car accident."
I was in complete shock; I didn't no what to say.
As the woman was handing the clerk her coupons
she asked me to do a favor for her.
I couldn't say no or it would seem too awkward.
She asked me if I would wave at her and say
"by mom." as she was leaving.
Feeling very weird, as the lady was leaving I said
When the clerk rang up my milk he said that will
I am thinking WHAT?!
The clerk said your mom told me you would take
the bill for her also.
My first reaction was to run after the lady.
As I was close behind her, maybe a foot,
I tripped and pulled her leg just like I am
The best way to remember your wife's birthday...
is to forget it once....
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at
both ends and is now growing in the middle.
“When the statistics professor and the math
professor wrote a cookbook together, they called it
'Pi A La Mode.'
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said
screw that, I'll just get a tan instead.