Wednesday, February 25, 2015



We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and 
technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about 
science and technology. 
     --Carl Sagan-- 

You know you're Italian if: 
You have at least one sister who went to beauty school. 
You have ever been in a fight defending Sylvester Stallone's 
acting ability. 
It's impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets. 
If someone in your family grows beyond 5ft 6in., it is presumed 
his mother had an affair. 
You are a card-carrying VIP at more than three strip clubs. 
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel 
agent are all blood relatives. 
You're 5ft 4in., can bench press 325lbs., shave twice a day, 
but you still cry when your mother yells at you. 

My wife just opened my car door for me. 
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 

Just been told that I was a mistake and it would have been 
better if I was never born. 
What a weird thing for the Postman to say. 

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...
the grass was very thick and long, and it took the 
boy about 4 hours to cut. 
He approached the Father for payment and the 
priest paid him $1.00.
The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest replied, "What did you say?"
The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?"
The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"

For me, the hardest part of the driving test was 
escaping before the car filled with ocean water. 

Last weekend I was in the grocery store getting a 
gallon of milk. 
As a walk up to the check out line the lady in front 
of me turns around and says, " You are such a doll,
you look almost identical to my daughter." 
Being polite I said thank you and asked the woman 
if her daughter was in college? 
The woman replied, "No she died about 2 years 
ago in car accident." 
I was in complete shock; I didn't no what to say. 
As the woman was handing the clerk her coupons 
she asked me to do a favor for her. 
I couldn't say no or it would seem too awkward. 
She asked me if I would wave at her and say 
"by mom." as she was leaving. 
Feeling very weird, as the lady was leaving I said 
"by mom!" 
When the clerk rang up my milk he said that will 
be $65.39. 
I am thinking WHAT?! 
The clerk said your mom told me you would take 
the bill for her also. 
My first reaction was to run after the lady. 
As I was close behind her, maybe a foot, 
I tripped and pulled her leg just like I am 
pulling yours!! 

The best way to remember your wife's birthday... 
is to forget it once....

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at 
both ends and is now growing in the middle. 

“When the statistics professor and the math 
professor wrote a cookbook together, they called it 
'Pi A La Mode.'

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said 
screw that, I'll just get a tan instead.