Tuesday, February 17, 2015



Tonya Harding supposedly saved an 81-year-old 
woman's life at the Lost and Found Bar in 
Portland by performing CPR on her 
(the medics said the woman had merely fainted). 
Says Jay Leno: "And I guess out of force of 
habit she performedmouth-to-mouth on three 
bikers at the pool table, too." 

Tina was gossiping with her friend Sara.
Tina : Can you tell the Secret for a successful 
Sara: You tell.
Tina: It's "The Work-Shop". 
The husband works while the wife shops!

Two female teachers at a high school had a 
routine of sharing their coffee and snacks 
together during their morning break in the 
teacher's room. 
Each would bring a favorite snack and it would 
be shared between them.
The problem was a male teacher who would 
pass by while the ladies were taking their 
morning break. 
He would see the spread on the table and utter 
something like, "Wow, cookies!".
Then he would help himself without an 
invitation and would keep taking one snack 
after the other. 
This habit of his really irritated the two lady 
teachers as the male teacher never had the 
decency to offer anything nor had he ever asked 
if he could help himself.
Finally the lady teachers decided enough was 
enough, and they came up with a plan. 
One of them bought a doughnut, took out the 
custard and substituted it with mustard. 
When the male teacher came in the teacher's 
room that day, he helped himself to the only 
doughnut left on the plate as was his habit and 
He never said anything about the mustard, 
but never went to the teacher's room again 
when the female teachers were taking their 
snack break.

There are thousands of sex phone lines for men
but only a few for women. 
This is because if a women wants someone to 
talk dirty to her she can just go to work.

How do you find Ronald McDonald at a nude 
He's the one with the sesame seed buns!

There was once a young man who, in his youth, 
professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to 
write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff 
that people will react to on a truly emotional 
level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, 
howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error 

Saw a flying saucer today. 
It appeared right after the flying cup that my
wife threw at me. 

Last month, about 8,000 Elvis Presley fans flocked 
to Graceland to commemorate the 21st anniversary 
of his death. 
In a related item, viewership on the Home Shopping 
Network was down 50% Saturday. 

A survey by cosmetics firm Avon revealed that 
British women would rather iron than have sex in 
the morning.  
I've visited Britain, and I've got an even better idea 
for British men and women: how about *brushing 
your teeth* in the morning? 

According to a study conducted by Kaiser 
Permanente, prostitutes can suffer from 
post-traumatic stress disorder on a par with 
veterans of the Vietnam war. 
I think I speak for a lot of men when I say, "are 
there still volunteer spots available in this study?"