••
♥
Tonya Harding supposedly saved an 81-year-old
woman's life at the Lost and Found Bar in
Portland by performing CPR on her
(the medics said the woman had merely fainted).
Says Jay Leno: "And I guess out of force of
habit she performedmouth-to-mouth on three
bikers at the pool table, too."
••
Tina was gossiping with her friend Sara.
Tina : Can you tell the Secret for a successful
marriage?
Sara: You tell.
Tina: It's "The Work-Shop".
The husband works while the wife shops!
••
Two female teachers at a high school had a
routine of sharing their coffee and snacks
together during their morning break in the
teacher's room.
Each would bring a favorite snack and it would
be shared between them.
The problem was a male teacher who would
pass by while the ladies were taking their
morning break.
He would see the spread on the table and utter
something like, "Wow, cookies!".
Then he would help himself without an
invitation and would keep taking one snack
after the other.
This habit of his really irritated the two lady
teachers as the male teacher never had the
decency to offer anything nor had he ever asked
if he could help himself.
Finally the lady teachers decided enough was
enough, and they came up with a plan.
One of them bought a doughnut, took out the
custard and substituted it with mustard.
When the male teacher came in the teacher's
room that day, he helped himself to the only
doughnut left on the plate as was his habit and
left.
He never said anything about the mustard,
but never went to the teacher's room again
when the female teachers were taking their
snack break.
••
There are thousands of sex phone lines for men
but only a few for women.
This is because if a women wants someone to
talk dirty to her she can just go to work.
••
How do you find Ronald McDonald at a nude
beach?
He's the one with the sesame seed buns!
••
There was once a young man who, in his youth,
professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to
write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff
that people will react to on a truly emotional
level, stuff that will make them scream, cry,
howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error
messages.....
••
Saw a flying saucer today.
It appeared right after the flying cup that my
wife threw at me.
••
Last month, about 8,000 Elvis Presley fans flocked
to Graceland to commemorate the 21st anniversary
of his death.
In a related item, viewership on the Home Shopping
Network was down 50% Saturday.
••
A survey by cosmetics firm Avon revealed that
British women would rather iron than have sex in
the morning.
I've visited Britain, and I've got an even better idea
for British men and women: how about *brushing
your teeth* in the morning?
••
According to a study conducted by Kaiser
Permanente, prostitutes can suffer from
post-traumatic stress disorder on a par with
veterans of the Vietnam war.
I think I speak for a lot of men when I say, "are
there still volunteer spots available in this study?"
••••
