Saturday, February 21, 2015



Little Caesars has introduced a giant, deep-dish pizza with a 
crust wrapped in three feet of bacon. 
Two hours ago Pizza Hut surrendered.

Just saw the coolest magic trick! 
Ticketmaster turned a $15 concert ticket into $38.95. 

I thought watching Hoarders would encourage 
me to clean up my place.... 
But all I could think was, "Hey, my place ain't 
that bad!" 

TLC is reportedly working on a spinoff of 
"Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." 
They're calling it "You People Will Watch Anything."

During a trial in Brooklyn this week, it was revealed that a 
member of al-Qaida posed as a woman to attract less attention 
from authorities. 
It would have worked better if he had remembered to shave 
his beard.

My lawn mower quit working a while back 
and my wife has been on my back about getting it 
I came home from work the other day to find her 
sitting in the front yard cutting grass with a pair 
of scissors. 
She said she was tired of waiting for me to fix the 
I brought her a tooth brush and told her to sweep 
the drive way too. 
That's when the fight stared.......

People who say I'm hard to shop for don't know  
where to buy beer. 

Richard said he had a hat that says, "For sale- 
Ex Wife. 
Take over payments."

I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt 
for Monday? 
I want to exchange it for another Friday. 

Bachelor Blake had a telephone problem last 
Some dude who works a night shift apparently has 
a phone number almost identical to Blake's.
Starting around midnight, he'd phone every hour 
and say, "Hey, what're you doing there, Mister? 
Where's my wife?"
Blake'd reply, "You have the wrong number."
The man would snarl suspiciously, "Yeah, I'll bet!" 
cuss a short streak, and hang up.
Blake put up with this abuse for exactly three nights. 
On the fourth night, when the called and asked, 
"Hey, what're you doing...," Blake interrupted in a 
frantic screech, "For Pete's sake, call the cops! 
My wife followed me here, she's chasing your wife 
with an axe, and she's gonna... 
The man hollered, "What happened? What? 
Are you there? 
Hold on, I'll send the police!" 
The phone clicked, the dial tone came on, and 
Blake hasn't been bothered by night calls since.

Dear sleep, 
I know we had problems when I was younger, 
but I love you now.