Friday, January 16, 2015



WebMD would be more accurate if every search 
result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac. 

when i hear fat people say that they've made 
mistakes, i always think to myself, 
" the grocery store."

New phone app.
You know there is a lot of money to be made by 
developing a useful phone app.
With the fitness craze and everyone being weight 
conscious I put my brain cells to work on the 
I want to announce the Newest phone app 
available for tracking progress in your fitness 
It is called the Personal Scale App. 
This is how it works. 
You program your I-phone or Droid with my 
new app. 
Place it on a hard surface like a tile floor and 
then stand on it. 
The phone will record your current weight and 
display it on the screen.
My only problem is it only seems to work once.

The awkward moment when Lady Gaga has no 
idea what to wear for halloween....

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night 
thinking about something you said. 
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you 
finish talking.

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her 
She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard 

A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out 
their political differences. 
Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded 
the table....... "You're lying!" he shouted. 
"Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but hear 
me out." 

There are two kinds of people. 
Those who wake up in the morning and say, 
"Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up 
in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

A Collection Of Insults.....
*All wax and no wick.
* Always loses battles of wits because he's 
* An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
* An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
* An expert on the historical significance of 
cottage cheese.
*An inch short and a stroke early.

At least once a day I say "nice to meet you" to 
someone I've already met which is a great feeling 
for all involved.