••
♥
Tried to give up smoking using those nicotine
patches.
They're useless.
Every time I try to light one I get second degree
burns on my shoulder.
••
Brother Bob was on vacation from the Army
but they caught him and took him back.
••
I was so drunk one time, I walked up to a
parking meter and put in a quarter.
When the needle stopped at 60....
I remember thinking, Shit,
I can't believe I lost 100#.
••
If you want to determine who is in charge in a
relationship, just perform this simple test:
The next time you get out of bed to turn the light
out before going to sleep - look back at your
partner lying in bed.
That person is in charge.....
••
Two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at
the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look
tired."
His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted.
My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day.
I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about 75+, sitting a couple of stools
down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with
the wisdom of years says:
"Marry her..... That'll put a stop to that shit."
••
I know a bailiff who moonlights as a bartender.
He makes the best subpoena coladas in town.
••
Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local
Boston Irish and they took him to an upscale
"Irish" pub.
"Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is,"
he said, looking with delight into his glass.
"Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole
in it!"
"I sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan.
"Bin married to one fer fifteen years."
••
A college student challenged a senior citizen,
saying it was impossible for their generation to
understand his.
“You grew up in a different world,” the student
said.
“Today we have television, jet planes, space travel,
nuclear energy, computers…”
Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s
litany, the geezer said, “You’re right.
We didn’t have those things when we were young;
so we invented them!
What are you doing for the next generation??”
••
Today I saw a Boy Scout slip on some ice.
Fortunately, a little old lady was there to help
him across the street.
••
When the judge called the case of People vs.
Steven Lewon Crook.
The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell
and called, "Crook, come forward."
Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
••••
