Tuesday, January 20, 2015


Looks like  it might bite,,,

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that 
you marry. 
I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. 
She was digging it.

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends 
to the dock to watch you leave England on the 

A Navy pilot woke up stiff as a plank in a 
hospital's ICU. 
Tubes up his nose and down his throat; wires 
monitoring every function and all around his 
head, hell of a pain over his left ear, gorgeous 
nurse hovering over him. 
It was obvious he'd been in a serious aircraft 
She looked deep and steady into his eyes, 
and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel 
anything from the waist down." 
He managed to mumble in reply, 
"So I can feel your tits then?" 

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, 
because we have no idea what to do with our 
hands when we dance.

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early 
one morning.
The clerk was ready to take his order for a 
funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, 
but soon realized his assumption was wrong as 
Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his 
wife for their anniversary.
"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.
Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

I tried driving today without texting, eating or 
getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at 
the wheel. 
Thanks, Oprah. 

I went to my doctor and asked for something 
for persistent wind. 
He gave me a kite. 
You see the trouble is he's very old fashioned. 
When he gives you an injection you have to bite 
on a bullet.

Two guys went duck hunting. 
One drank a bottle and a half of whisky while 
the other kept watch.
After two hours, a solitary duck flew up. 
The sober man took aim but missed.
"Quick," he said to his drunken friend, "try and 
hit that duck."
The drunk waved his shotgun in the vague 
direction of the sky, pulled the trigger and hit 
the duck.
"That's amazing," said the sober one.
"Not really," replied the drunk. 
"When there's a whole flock you can hardly 

You call it it multiple personalities, 
I call it social networking in my head!

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, 
as the evening progressed, he found himself 
attracted to her more and more.
After some really passionate embracing, he said,
"Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," 
Jill replied.
"Never made love?.... You mean you are a virgin?" 
Jack was amazed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. 
"Never objected!"...

The Constitution says nothing about it being 
illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries 
me immensely.