If I have a daughter I'm going to name her lizard
and then she'll get the nickname Liz and everyone
will be like "oh is it short for Elizabeth?" and she
will have to say "no my name is Lizard."
I hate when homeless people shake their cup of
coins at me, like yeah I know you have more
money than me..... No need to rub it in.
"I'm telling you, it's all or nothing," the
exterminator explains to Noah,
"I can't just leave 2 woodworms.
It doesn't work like that."
Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles
begins with "daaaaad I have to peeeeee"
The temporary Sunday School teacher was
struggling to open a combination lock on the
She had been told the combination, but
couldn't quite remember it.
She went to the pastor's study and asked for
The pastor came into the room and began to
turn the dial.
After the first two numbers he paused and
stared blankly for a moment.
Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his
lips moved silently.
Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly
turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed.
"I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.
"It's really nothing," he answered.
"The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
Don't mess with me. I know Kung Fu, Ju -Jitsu,
marshal arts, Taekwondo, and plenty of other
If I'm ever found dead on some jogging trail,
Please let the cops know my body was dumped
there and I was killed elsewhere.
A doctor is speaking to his patient.
‘The results of your last test are conclusive,’
‘You’ve got six months to live.’
‘Oh my God,’ says the patient.
‘Is there any thing I can do?’
‘You could try lots of mud baths,’ says the doctor.
‘And will that cure me?’ asks the patient.
‘No,’ replies the doctor.
‘But it will help you get used to lying in dirt.’
Damn.... I bought a box of animal crackers and
it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.”
So I opened up the box, and sure enough......
A hunter was rushed into the emergency room
with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles.
As the horrified doctor was examining him, he
said "Man, how did this happen?"
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods
and felt the call of nature.
Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was
triggered and snapped shut on his testicles.
"Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have
"It was," said the hunter.
"The second worst pain in my life."
"Second worst? What could have been worse
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
Kentucky Fried Chicken is now offering
a hot dog in a bun made out of fried chicken.
It’s part of KFC’s new My Life Has No Value Meal.