Sunday, December 28, 2014



A: Why are you late? 
B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar 
A: That's nice. 
Were you helping him look for it? 
 B: No, I was standing on it.  

My wife made me take my three year old son for 
a haircut earlier. 
There was punching, kicking, crying, screaming, 
even grabbed the hairdresser's tits at one point. 
The kid was well behaved though. 

I was talking to a guy in the pub last night, 
"Well back to work tomorrow, I expect I will be 
busy with returns, but I do get a lot of job 
satisfaction though." 
"I didn't know you worked in retail, " he replied, 
"Retail? " I said, "No, not at all, I work for 
Immigration Control. "

Some favorite messages spotted on church signs... 
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees! 

My wife left me for an Indian guy...
It's okay, I know he's going to treat her well, 
I heard they worship cows

Myra was going to the Christmas office party but 
needed a new party dress.
In the clothing store she asked, "May I try on that 
dress in the window, please?"
"Certainly not, madam," responded the salesgirl, 
"You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone 

My friend just eating my lunch. 
She's made corned beef ash."
He said, "Hash is spelt with an H."
I said, "It isn't when my wife  cooks it."

according to Dangerfield his wife gave the 
bathtub stretchmarks.....

An extra smart guy is trying to pull the leg of 
insurance agent and asks him: 
“Do you do Penis Insurance?”
Agent: “Yes, sir, we do Penis Insurance.” 
Man: “You replace it with a new one?”
Agent: “No, sir. 
Once it stops working, we ensure free service to 
your wife for the rest of your life...."

Summer vacation was over and the teacher 
asked Little Johnny about his family trip. 
"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, 
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class 
how you spell that?" 
Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and 
said, "Actually, we went to Ohio." 

We live in an expanding universe. 
All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.