When we recall Christmas past, we usually find
that the simplest things - not the great occasions -
give off the greatest glow of happiness.”
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet
and think, did I just run someone over?
I recently submitted my resume to Sony...
But they canceled the interview
I was going to sign this permission slip
to let my son watch "The Grinch" at school...
but I haven't heard back from North Korea yet.
I was reading the dosage instructions on my
wife's new antibiotic prescription.
"Damn," I said, "You're going to struggle to take
"Why?" she asked.
"Its just two tablets, four times a day."
" On an empty stomach ?" I quoted.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make
them sound healthy, then why can't alcohol be
called cereal drink?
Thoughts to Ponder.....
* Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Life is sexually transmitted.
* Good health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.
* Men have two emotions: hungry and horny,
and they can't tell them apart.
If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a
* Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the internet and they won't
bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
* All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism....
* Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.
What you do today might burn your ass
* And as someone recently said to me:
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that
"I loves hows you've done me spinach Doc!"
Popeye tells his host.
"The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil."
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror,
I thought to myself: "I'm going to get thrown out
of this Home Depot any minute now."
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on
them because when shit goes down I want
crocodiles to know that I'm on their side.
"People are wrong when they say opera is not
what it used to be.
It is what it used to be.
That is what's wrong with it."