••
♥
Power goes out*
Wife: I can't see!
Shoes light up....
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were "a waste of money"
& "clearly meant for a large child" now?!
••
The guy next door just put up his Christmas
lights...
I bet he's pissed because I beat him,
I put mine up 5 years ago..
••
I Have A Buddy... That likes to drink.
The last time that I was with him he was
hammered.
He yelled out "I can whip Mike Tyson!"
Then after more drinks and about 10 minutes
later he yells "I can whip anybody in this bar!"
Thirty minutes later he yells "I can whip anybody
in this hospital!!"
••
You know you're getting old; there are certain
signs.
I walked past a cemetery and two guys ran after
me with shovels. —Rodney Dangerfield
••
"I've never flown before, said the nervous old
lady to the pilot.
"You will bring me down safely, won't you?
"All I can say ma'am," said the pilot, "is that
I've never left anyone up there yet!"
••
How Many Dogs does it Take to Screw in a Light
Bulb?
* Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is
young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and
you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out
light bulb?
* Border Collie: Just one.
And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
* Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
* Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's
ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house,
my nails will be dry.
* Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
* Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
* Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the
light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
* Malamute: Let the Border collie do it..
You can feed me while he's busy.
* Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee
on the carpet in the dark.
* Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going
to sleep on the couch.
* Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
* Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
* Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
* Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it?
I've got a hangover.
* Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
* Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
••
I used to be schizophrenic,
but we're all right now.
••
I wouldn't say my psychiatrist is busy, but his
couch has an upper and lower berth.
••
Two doctors discussing: Gus....
Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"
"Extremely so.
Why, the other night when he got home he knew
there was something he wanted to do, but he
couldn't remember what it was until he had sat
up over an hour trying to think."
"And did he finally remember it?"
"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed
early."
••
Did you hear what happened at the O.J. Simpson
invitational golf classic?
They were slicing them right and left.
••••
