Sunday, December 7, 2014



I used to go to bars for cold beer & warm women. 
But usually I got it backwards. 

On Tuesday, government health officials said 
about 50,000 people are alive today because 
U.S. hospitals committed 17 percent fewer 
medical errors in 2013 than 2010. 
“Something tells me that number went up in 
2014,” said Joan Rivers. 

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. 
You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell. 

Two children are talking. 
A: Meet my new born brother. 
 B: Oh, he is so handsome! 
What's his name? 
 A: I don't know. 
I can't understand a word he says.
A doctor rushed out of his study room. 
"Get me my bag!" he shouted. 
"Why, what's the matter?" inquired his pretty 
young wife.
"Some fellow just phoned and said he can't live 
without me," he gasped as he reached for his hat. 
The young wife sighed. 
"Just a moment," she said gently, "I think that 
call was for me."

If I'm ever dangling off a cliff and your hands 
are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give 
me one so i can be refreshed on my way down....

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to 
call Smith into his office. 
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, 
"that every time there's a home game at the 
stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor." 
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, 
"I didn't realize it. 
You don't suppose she's faking, do you?" 

It's ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes 
of inactivity too. 

You know what they said in California? 
I saw it on C-Span -- people we vote for -- this is 
what they said, I propose that we kick all of the 
illegal aliens out of this country. 
Then we build a super-fence so they cant get 
back in. 
And I went, Um, whos gonna build it? 

catcher puts 1 finger down*
 *pitcher shakes head*
 *puts 2 fingers down*
 (catcher to umpire)
 "can we take a break? he has to poop" 

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it, "Form 1040?" 
Because for every $50 you earn, you get 10 and 
they get 40.