Monday, November 24, 2014


Warning.. big bad dog....


After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his 
old friend Peter on the bus.
"Say, Peter said, "How's it going? 
"Going? You want to hear one of the most 
amazing things that ever happened? 
Tell me- what's today's date? 
 "July seventh. "Right. 
The seventh day, of the seventh month. 
I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. 
My son is seven years old today, and we live at 
number seven, Seventh Avenue. 
"Let me guess, Peter interrupted. 
"You put everything you had on the seventh 
horse in the seventh race. 
"And he won! Peter sighed.
"No. He came in seventh.

An elderly couple was at home watching TV. 
Phil had the remote and was switching back 
and forth between a fishing channel and the 
porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally 
said: "For god's sake Phil, Leave it on the porn 
You know how to fish!"

I'm already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, 
I've given the bird to lots of people today. 

A farmer from Europe visits his son in America 
for the very first time. 
They went to a local supermarket.
farmer : “Vas diss, powdered orange juice?”
Son: “Yeah, Dad. 
You just add water, and you have fresh orange 
A few minutes later, in a different aisle the farmer 
says: “And whats dis, powdered milk?”
Son: “Yeah, Dad. 
You just add water, and you have fresh milk!”
A few minutes later, the farmer says: 
“Und give look here. 
Baby Powder! Vat a country! 
They take da fun outta everyting!”

*spits out animal cracker*
 This doesn't even taste like hippo. 

This young man was elated when he turned 
eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. 
for any one under seventeen years of age. 
He told his Dad how happy he was that now he 
could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. 
"Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but 
the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the 
garage by eleven."

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name 
sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald's 
deep fryer...  

His father said. Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, 
were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing 
home one evening. 
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, 
"I know just what you're wanting. 
For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there 
in that rocking chair." 
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a 
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with 
you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 
I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, 
and give you the most romantic evening you've 
ever had in your life." 
The old lady still says nothing but, after a couple 
minutes, starts digging down in her purse. 
She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. 
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my 
room," says the old man. 
"Get serious", she replies. 
"Four times in the rocking chair." 

Everybody can be a mime and if you don't 
believe me, watch somebody walk into a spider 

My wife finds my jokes during sex hilarious.
Last night she had multiple sarcasms.

Being pulled over is no joke. 
It's scary, but you know whats even worse? 
Being a passenger in your friends car when they 
get pulled over. 
Thats when you start finding out the things 
about your best friend you never knew existed. 
Damn! Damn! 
This car is not even registered. 
I got a handgun in the glove box, cocaine under 
your seat. 
I'm wearing a wig, and we've got a dead body in 
the trunk.

If you insinuate that I'm fat again, 
I'm leaving you!
Don't be selfish, think about the baby.
What baby?
 Oh, so you're not pregnant?