••
♥
"A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership,
of getting along with people, of getting things
done."
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
••
Why do people call the deceased "late"?
They aren't late..
They aren't coming.
••
Q: What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A: A Manila folder.
••
I can't stand it when people don't know the
difference between your and you're.
There so stupid.
••
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent
to Mars.
Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how
much he wanted to be paid for going.
“A million dollars,” he answered, “because I
want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the
same question.
He asked for $2 million.
“I want to give a million to my family,” he
explained, “and leave the other million for the
advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer.
When asked how much money he wanted, he
whispered in the interviewer’s ear,
“Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked
the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million,
I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and
we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
••
I wouldn't want lesbian parents.
Not because I'm homophobic.
I just don't want to get stuck in an endless loop
of "Go ask your mother."
••
My daughter turns 3 today.
Due to our tight budget, we're not telling her.
••
Did you hear about the actor who fell through
the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
••
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around
the house.
••
My 3 yr old is so encouraging.
I changed my shirt; she says"Daddy, you did it!"
If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she'll
flip out.
••
Two drunks are sitting at a bar, staring into their
drinks.
One gets a funny look on his face and asks,
"Hey, Bill, have you ever seen an ice cube
with a hole in it before?"
"Sure," says Bill, I have been married to one for
twenty five years!"
••
“Yesterday I was on the computer, I couldn't
find the Esc and I lost Ctrl.”
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