Thursday, October 30, 2014



"A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, 
of getting along with people, of getting things 
       -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Why do people call the deceased "late"?
They aren't late..
They aren't coming. 

Q: What do you call a Filipino contortionist? 
A: A Manila folder.  

I can't stand it when people don't know the 
difference between your and you're. 
There so stupid.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent 
to Mars. 
Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth. 
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how 
much he wanted to be paid for going. 
“A million dollars,” he answered, “because I 
want to donate it to M.I.T.” 
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the 
same question. 
He asked for $2 million. 
“I want to give a million to my family,” he 
explained, “and leave the other million for the 
advancement of medical research.” 
The last applicant was a lawyer. 
When asked how much money he wanted, he 
whispered in the interviewer’s ear, 
“Three million dollars.” 
“Why so much more than the others?” asked 
the interviewer. 
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, 
I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and 
we’ll send the engineer to Mars.” 

I wouldn't want lesbian parents. 
Not because I'm homophobic. 
I just don't want to get stuck in an endless loop 
of "Go ask your mother." 

My daughter turns 3 today. 
Due to our tight budget, we're not telling her.  

Did you hear about the actor who fell through 
the floorboards? 
He was just going through a stage.

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. 
For days he kept leaving little messages around 
the house.

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. 
I changed my shirt; she says"Daddy, you did it!" 
If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she'll 
flip out. 

Two drunks are sitting at a bar, staring into their 
One gets a funny look on his face and asks, 
"Hey, Bill, have you ever seen an ice cube 
with a hole in it before?" 
"Sure," says Bill, I have been married to one for 
twenty five years!" 

“Yesterday I was on the computer, I couldn't 
find the Esc and I lost Ctrl.”