••
♥
"A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous
opinions than anything else in the world."
••
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress
like a cop & pretend to be searching the
neighborhood for drugs.
••
One time someone told me the camera adds 10
pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a
camera you idiot?
••
A very busty woman whispers to me "I want you
to tell me if these look real" my eyes widen,
then she takes out pictures of the moon landing...
••
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who
takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth
open......
Good night.
••
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3
hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
••
I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans.
There's no limit to how much they can charge me.
••
"Always leave them wanting more
is my standard approach to paying bills.
••
Folks are worried about global warming and
social security, when the real crisis is that one
day elderly drivers will know how to text.
••
Silence is golden.
Duct tape is silver.....
.••
I WAS WITH A GROUP of Air Force officers
touring the battleship New Jersey,
and we had to do a great deal of climbing up
and down and twisting around inside the ship.
As we emerged onto the deck where we had
started the tour, one of our group exclaimed,
"Now I understand why a captain goes down
withhis ship.
He can't find his way out of it!"
••
I know the difference between right and wrong...
wrong is the fun one.
••••
