••
♥
This Winter It was so cold, the town flasher ran
up and described himself.
••
Handy guide to modern science:
If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
••
Many times when I am troubled or confused,
I find comfort in sitting in my back yard, having a
quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly
difficult day.
I asked, "Jesus, why do I work so hard," I heard
this reply, "Men find many ways to
demonstrate the love they have for their family.
You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place
for your friends and family to gather."
I responded, "I thought that money was the root
of all evil."
He then replied, "No, the LOVE of money is the
root of all evil, money is a tool, it can be used for
good or bad".
I was starting to feel better but I still had two
burning questions, so I asked, "Jesus, what is the
meaning of life?.... Why am I here?"
He replied, "That is a question many men ask.
The answer to the first question is in your heart
and is different for everyone.
The answer to your second question is your
mother and your father had mucho sex.
I would love to chat with you some more, señor,
but I have to finish your lawn now."
••
Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic
breakfast in bed when they know how you got
in their house.
••
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia
after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds
drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor
replied.
"We didn't want you to think the operation was
a failure."
••
If Jehovah's witnesses brought red wine and
Pringles with them, I'd gladly let them in to
spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
••
IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE
IT, IT’S A BOY".
And with tears streaming down my face I swore
I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!
••
If my girl didn't want me to wear her new thong,
she shouldn't have said she bought it "for me."
Women are confusing.
••
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the
ultrasound photo.
Here's one of my family gathered around an MRI
of my knee.
••
"LSD Makes Users Lose Weight"
That makes sense.
It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a
dragon guarding it.
••
I just called my boss and told him I have
explosive diarrhea.
It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
••••
