••
♥
My wife had a really sharp pain in her chest
this morning, she thought she was having a
heart attack.
It turns out it was just a Dorito in her bra.
••
A little old lady told a friend of mine the other
day when they were standing in line together
that all she had ever wanted to have in life was
four animals.
My friend who has a large dog and a big heart
for strays said, "oh really, what kind of animals
did you want?'
The little old lady said "A mink on my back,
a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed, and
a jackass to pay for all of it......
••
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers
a woman's birthday, but never remembers her
age." - Robert Frost
••
As newlyweds, my wife and I hosted a family
get-together at our apartment, which had a
large grassy field and superb children's
playground next door.
My wife organized games outdoors for our
eight nieces and nephews, and the laughter
and activity drew other children, until about
30 kids were playing and clamoring for my
wife's attention.
After three hours, she called it quits.
The next morning while we were getting ready
for work, two boys knocked on our patio door
and asked if our children could come out and
play.
I told them we had no children...that our
nieces and nephews had just been visiting.
Looking momentarily dejected, they brightened
considerably as they asked, “Well, then,
can your wife come out and play?”
••
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a
rowboat and taking the tartar sauce with you.
••
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each
other on a bet.
The loser had to start wearing his underwear
on the outside of his pants.
••
Wanted: Hair-cutter.
Excellent growth potential.
••
Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate
shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "
I did NOT!"
••
What do you call lice on a bald man's head?
Homeless.
••
Our experienced Mom will care for your child.
Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
••••
