••
♥
Stop talking to yourself......It's unhealthy
I was in bed with the wife.
She said, "Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness."
I said, "I didn't say anything."
She said, "I wasn't talking to you."
I was in bed with the wife.
She said, "Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness."
I said, "I didn't say anything."
She said, "I wasn't talking to you."
••
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to
want to change.
Just one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to
want to change.
••
A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a
$10 bill.
He decided to try it out anyway.
He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two
$4 bills as change.
$10 bill.
He decided to try it out anyway.
He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two
$4 bills as change.
••
A famous art collector is walking through the city when
he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the
doorway of a store and he does a double take.
He notices that the saucer is extremely old and very
valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers
to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around
the house to catch mice.
I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold."
And he hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I
wonder if you could throw in that old saucer.
The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get
a dish.".
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky
saucer....... So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the
doorway of a store and he does a double take.
He notices that the saucer is extremely old and very
valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers
to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around
the house to catch mice.
I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold."
And he hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I
wonder if you could throw in that old saucer.
The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get
a dish.".
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky
saucer....... So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
••
In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing
him for 25 years.
I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry,
I thought you were someone else."
him for 25 years.
I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry,
I thought you were someone else."
••
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness
stand.
"Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the
truth so help you, God?"
"Yes, you're ugly.
See that women in the jury?
I'd really like to sleep with her.
Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
stand.
"Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the
truth so help you, God?"
"Yes, you're ugly.
See that women in the jury?
I'd really like to sleep with her.
Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
••
When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.
••
A drunk man arrives late at home .
He knows his wife won't open the door , so he decides to
pretend that he bought her flowers and knocks the door .
Wife: Who is it? .
Drunk Husband: I bring flowers for the pretty lady.
Wife opens the door and says: Where are the flowers ?
Drunk Husband: Where is the pretty lady?
He knows his wife won't open the door , so he decides to
pretend that he bought her flowers and knocks the door .
Wife: Who is it? .
Drunk Husband: I bring flowers for the pretty lady.
Wife opens the door and says: Where are the flowers ?
Drunk Husband: Where is the pretty lady?
••
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says,
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds
of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her clothes but is interrupted
by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't remove your clothes...
Just stick out your tongue!"
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds
of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her clothes but is interrupted
by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't remove your clothes...
Just stick out your tongue!"
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