☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

 

Whenever I see bacon in the pan, I think,
‘Now, that's parallel porking.'

 

••

A woman walking in front of me sped up
so I sped up too.
She started walking even faster
So I started walking faster too.
She started running, so I started running too!
She started screaming, so I started screaming too!!
I have no idea what we were running from,
but I was terrified!!!

 

••

Just saw a car with "Just Married" on the back window.
Do people still do that?
Get married, I mean..

 

••

*[At the dinner table]*
"No grandma, those aren't knitting needles.
We're having Chinese food"

 

••

- What are the three words that are most often found in
the inscriptions in the world?
- "I love you".
- Not really. Those three words are "Made in China"!

 

••

[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.

 

••

Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy,
“Dad, tomorrow there’s a special ‘Adults’ evening’ at school.
 Daddy is surprised, “Really? Special?”
“Yes,” nods Johnny, “it will be just you, the teacher,
the Principal and two police officers.”

 

••

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your
dance partner until he doesn't want to dance anymore.

 

••

Flex heard women love a man in uniform
So he got a job at McDonald's ....

 

••

Putting a light in the refrigerator is God's way of telling us
that it's okay to eat before going to bed.

•••• 

 

 

••

 

☺☺

♥

 

The lady in front of me wearing yoga pants keeps
bending over to pick up quarters,
hope she will for dimes too,
as I'm out of quarters.

 

••

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind
today.
I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

 

••

There's a Gulf between peoples' appreciation of cartoons.
Dubai doesn't like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

 

••

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a
hitman cleaning his rifle.

 

••

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
"Huh? What?"
It's been 3 days since my last-
 [sound of diarrhea]

 

 

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes
by eating the entire box of donuts.

 

 

*walks in on home intruder...
"omg please don't look at the dust!"

 

 

This world would be a much better place if some people's
mothers would've just had a headache....
 

A wife tells her husband while watching a
Mexican TV series, "Look, how much he loves her…"
"Yes. But do you know how much he's being paid for that?"

 

 

Always live on the bottom floor it's further from heaven
and harder for God to see you sinning....

 

 

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. '
Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our
extra money into it'.

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

 

Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would
embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment
with a man.
He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading
off with "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!"
In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and
explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor.
"What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too.
I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one.
Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the
female parrot arrives."
Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot.
It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care
for the owl.
He glared at it.
That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she
opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a
nightcap.
Then, suddenly, she heard the parrot screech and she
knew that things hadn't changed.
"Somebody's gonna get it tonight!
Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said.
The owl said, "Whoo? Whoo?
And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed Bitch!"

 

••

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like
The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack
1st grade critical thinking skills. 

 

•• 

One state official to the other: "I don't know what people
have against us - We haven't done anything."

 

••

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two
thousand of something.

••
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling
and gave me a hug.......
 

••
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions
because running into a raccoon when I take out the
trash isn't scary enough.

 

••
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items
again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn't
piss anyone off.

 

••

Jessica was testifying in court with regards to a case she
had filed for molestation.
She said, "It was late at night, and I was in this dark alley,
when he grabbed me from behind, and tore my short dress.
He pulled down my undies and bent me over a box...
I can't even remember what happened after that...!"
Judge Simmons, panting by now, said,
"Make something up, will you!!"

 

••

Why did the leper fail his driving test?
He left his foot on the clutch.

 

••

Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive..
They settle their differences by playing Uno..
Loser leaves earth.....
 

••
I'm an ice sculptor.
Last night I made a cube.

 

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

 

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up
at school.
Worse news:
I'm a bus driver..........

Don't ask me for directions...  I got lost on an elevator once.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a "tip" for driving
her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

 

••

Police officer: "What are you doing on this road, Dracula?"
Dracula: "Looking for the main artery, officer."

 

••

Gina said to her daughter Amy, "What kind of a guy is this
new boyfriend of yours?....... Is he decent?"
Amy replied, "Yes, Mom.
He is very decent and well regarded.
He is a miser, never touches booze, does not smoke,
has a sweet wife and four adorable well-behaved kids."

 

••

With me, it's not PRIDE that comes before a fall.
It's half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot
existed....
 

••
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart,
but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart,
but I'm imaginary smart".

 

••

Do I believe in climate change?
Uhh yeah I believe… it DOESN’T EXIST AHH HAHA
(a fiery gull falls out of the sky) HA,ha,ha, hey fire bird...

 

••

 "Just dashing to the shops"
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up,
chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]

 

••

There’s a lot to be said about marriage,
but we try not to say it in front of the children.

••••

 

 

# 3025

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

 

There is a way of transferring money that is even faster
than electronic banking.......
It's called marriage.

 

••

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while...
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good
memories.....

 

••

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise
routine.
299 of them were Nestlé.

 

••

A Newfie aunt was knitting her young nephew
some socks.
Then she got a letter from the boy's mother saying that
he had grown another foot since she last saw him.
So she started knitting him a third sock.

 

••

I wonder how many people come visit our country and then
immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.

 

••

Sorry for letting the air out of one of your tires, delivery guy,
but based on the way you cut my pizza, I assumed you liked
things uneven.

 

••

Anyone who eats fish and chips every day is a
creature of halibut.

 

••

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on
CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

 

•• 

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day
"Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?"
How the hell do I respond to that?

 

••

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of
cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
Stay strong, brothers!

 

••

Jessica was testifying in court with regards to a case she
had filed for molestation.
She said, "It was late at night, and I was in this dark alley,
when he grabbed me from behind, and tore my short dress.
He pulled down my undies and bent me over a box...
I can't even remember what happened after that...!"
Judge Simmons, panting by now, said,
"Make something up, will you!!"

 

••••