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There has been a lot of uproar about  the shooting of 

Walter Scott. 

To be fair to the police, he did run across the grass. 

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The Oklahoma Senate on Thursday passed a bill that would 

allow nitrogen gas as an execution method. 

And, to add a little levity to the proceedings, helium gas will be 

used  for the inmates’ last words. 

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I just checked the height/weight chart at the gym. 

Apparently I'm four inches too short. 

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I was playing golf with our town's fire chief when I hit a ball 

into the rough. 

As I headed for the brush to find my ball, the chief warned me, 

"Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out." 

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week 

requesting assistance with removing the snakes. 

"You've got to be kidding," I replied in astonishment. 

"People actually call the fire department to help them with 

rattlesnakes? 

What do you say to them?" 

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'

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My doctor ordered me to eat more Taco Bell.......

Well, actually he said "less Mcdonalds" but I'm pretty sure I 

know what he meant.

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Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about 

people who send mixed signals seeing as the 

mat in front of my door says "Welcome".

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Cool puppy. What's his name? 

"Patches" 

Aww, that's a cute name. 

Because he has those spots? 

"Nah...it's cause he's trying to quit smoking"....

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Found out the name of my neighbor's cat. 

In other news, I now have free internet. 

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Thibodeaux just got himself a new job in a 

downtown office. 

The boss told him on his first morning at work 

that his first task would be to run down to the 

corner restaurant and get coffee for the office. 

On his way out the door, he picked up a large 

thermos bottle and ran down to the corner to get 

the coffee. 

Getting to the restaurant he asks the waiter if the 

thermos was large enough to hold six cups of 

coffee. 

The waiter told him that it would be. 

So Thibodeaux tells him, "Great ! 

Give me two regular, two black, an' two decaf !" 

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I just made my hamster some strong coffee. 

I don't want him falling asleep at the wheel. 

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Lately I've been getting in touch with my 

inner self. 

Damned dollar store toilet paper. 

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Sometimes my wife likes to spice up our marriage by wearing 

a black nightgown with buttons on it.

 It makes her look like a remote control.

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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a 

good idea........ Trust me on this. 

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I was told that exercise helps with your decision 

making. 

It's true..... 

After going to the gym earlier I've decided I'm 

never going again. 

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Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again. 

Her: Sorry I didn't invite you. 

It was a small ceremony. 

Me: Its ok. I'll go to your next one. 

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Police: Where were you between 5 and 6? 

Me: Kindergarten? 

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Movie Law: All computer hackers have to say 

"We're in" when they get into "the system". 

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My mother-in-law had her belly button pierced. 

Should be a good place to hang the air freshener....

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I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. 

I'm ok though, I just swallowed a Norton 

Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.  

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Detective: “The victim musta had company. 

There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” 

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 

16 people over. 

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An old fart #1 (my age) stepped up the first tee. 

He tells his equally old fart friend, “My eye sight is bad, would 

he watch the ball for me?” 

“Sure!” replied the equally old fart. 

Old fart #1 sends the ball sailing down the fairway, and asks 

the equally old fart, “Did ya see where the ball went?” 

“Sure did” replied the equally old fart. 

 After a moment of waiting, old fart #1 grumbled, “Well… where did it go?” 

The equally old fart responded, “Where did what go?”...

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I failed my audition as Romeo through a 

misunderstanding over a stage direction. 

My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from 

the rear'.

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What's more embarrassing? 

The first kiss or the first fart? 

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Comcast is doing home security now... 

so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there 

next Tuesday between the hours of 12 and 4pm......

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Saw a six foot bunny at the mall the other day. 

Either it was Easter or the doctor screwed up my meds again.

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Life lessons......

Some of the best life lessons come with bleeding, stitches, 

scars, broken bones and permanent mental and physical 

injuries......

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 Q. Why don't retirees mind being called 

senior citizens?

 A. The term comes with a 10% discount. 

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My friend has canceled our lunch plans 

three days in a row. 

I'm starting to think she really doesn't like lunch.

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The crime ring stole the information from 

hundreds of thousands of websites. 

Experts recommend that you change all your 

passwords just to be safe. 

I have to say I would almost rather have all my 

information stolen than to have to change all my 

passwords.

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We got two inches of snow last night and now I 

can't find my Smart Car. 

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"Daddy, what happens when we die?" 

"You get married and have kids." 

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My daughter said she needs a bag of Skittles for 

a class project. 

Starting to get suspicious. 

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Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks 

what I'm doing. 

Google asks where I am. 

The internet has turned into my girlfriend. 

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I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentines Day. 

The vacuum cleaner should be working soon.

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Coworker: Have you had 5 guys? 

Me: *blank stare* That's kinda personal don't ya 

think? 

And that's when I found out it's the name of a 

burger joint. 

••

President Obama's approval rating is now at an 

all-time low. 

It's so bad that last night he gave his daughter 

Sasha a ride to a friend's house and she asked 

him to drop her off two blocks away. 

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Recipes sound good until you realize that you 

don't have $846 worth of spices in your house.

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Good to know that if they ever release a lion in 

Walmart, you only have to run faster than the fat 

lady with the zebra print pants on. 

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Law enforcement's cracking down on texting while 

driving, but there's no law against standing up and 

playing saxophone through your sunroof. 

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Playing Frisbee with a five year old is 

amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee

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Bartender: Hey! What’s new? 

Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant. 

B: Congratulations! 

M: Yeah. 

B: What’s wrong? 

M: My wife is SUPER pissed. 

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Just watched two of my kids try and fail to open a cereal box 

so I've concluded that playing Mozart during pregnancy is 

bullshit. 

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The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that 

the baby is coming early. 

Like father, like son. 

••

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me 

an extra boost during my workout today. 

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At grandma's. Which means this morning I woke 

up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, 

"Look who's finally up. 

We thought you were dead!"

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♥

You would be amazed at the things you can learn about 

the world when you don’t believe it revolves around you. 

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Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy's fault. 

Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney's fault. 

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In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most 

educated country in the world. 

Here in America it's National Cheeseburger Day. 

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I consider the word Dodge on the front of my truck as fair 

warning to jaywalkers. 

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Hey, My daughter is no prize either....

Last week I caught her gluing worms to the sidewalk so that 

birds could get hernias. 

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 I told my doctor that I took a whole bottle of sleeping pills, 

he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 

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My superpower is destroying the neighbors living 

room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and 

my laser pointer. 

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When someone tells me how old their kid is in 

months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they 

know what I just went through. 

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Pretty sure the neighbors are impressed with the 

banging and screaming they heard. 

Little do they know it was just me chasing a spider. 

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I always said I'd never chase after a woman, but

the older I get, I seriously consider power-walking 

after one. 

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I gave my keys to the Taco Bell valet when I showed up and 

now he's nowhere to be seen. 

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