••

••

♥

One day I hope to be rich enough where I don't 

feel compelled to refill my fountain soda before I 

leave a fast food establishment. 

••

"I am a Paramedic, recently I was called to 

a scene where a man in his late 60s had died and 

obviously been there a couple of days. 

We searched for any sign of trauma.... None. 

We looked for anything that might indicate a 

medical problem... heart meds etc..... None. 

The only medicine we found: Viagra. 

About that time the coroner arrived (a strikingly 

pretty gal) who asked me, "How long has he been 

dead?" 

I replied a couple of days, she said, "Oh so he is 

stiff then?" 

I handed her the Viagra bottle and said, 

"In more ways than one..."

••

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she 

looks like a truck.

     -- Ricky, age 10

••

Nothing's deader than the eyes of a Burger King 

employee who can no longer bring themselves 

to correct people who order "McNuggets" 

anymore. 

••

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. 

I didn't want a cat. 

So we compromised and we got a cat....... 

••

June saz; 

I've started picking up dudes by walking in 

Starbucks and "accidentally" dropping my recipe 

for bacon tacos. 

••

"We can lick gravity, but sometimes the 

paperwork is overwhelming."

- Wernher von Braun 

••

"Daddy, do butterflies have really small penises?" 

Parenting books didn't prepare me for that. 

And I am NOT Googling "butterfly dicks." 

••

I grew up terrified of ear wigs because I thought 

they came out of your ears. 

Imagine how scared I was when I heard about 

cockroaches!

••

I think when a transvestite goes missing 

their face should appear on a carton of half & half.

•• 

NSA concerned the tooth fairy has enough DNA 

samples to create a clone army and take over the 

world. 

"this is a real threat," says NSA guy....

••••

••

••

♥

A couple in a big box electronics store are about to buy a 

curved HDTV, so the salesman wraps up his pitch. 

"You folks," he said, "will only pay a tiny bit down, 

and then you'll pay nothing for six months." 

"Ill be damned!" said the man, "So, how did you find out?" 

••

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, 

the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe 

side. 

••

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty 

surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen 

money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. 

The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the 

front of his pants as he was running out the door. 

"He was seen hopping and jumping around," 

said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an 

explosion taking place inside his pants." 

Police have the man's charred trousers in custody. 

••

What do you get when you cross a pig and a 

centipede? 

Bacon and legs....

•• 

Reason for leaving last job: 

They insisted that all employees get to work by 

8:45 a.m. every morning. 

Could not work under those conditions.

••

According to newspaper accounts, the first powered airplane 

was flown in Texas nearly forty years before the 

Wright Brothers version in 1903. 

Inventor-pilot Jacob Brodbeck powered the plane with coil 

springs and reached treetop heights before crashing into a 

hen house killing several chickens and scaring many children 

in 1865 

••

President Jimmy Carter said he won't send 

emails because he believes the NSA is reading 

them. 

And also because he can't find the 'send' button 

on his typewriter." 

••

I'm very sorry for your loss, 

but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi? 

••

It's the anniversary of the Titanic sinking. 

Fortunately, we've made sure that would never 

happen today by melting all the icebergs. 

••

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a 

year old, I obviously apologized for forgetting, and sent them 

a birthday card. 

••••

••

••

♥

A man phoned his doctor saying his wife appeared to be 

having an appendicitis attack. 

"That's impossible," the physician replied. 

"She had an appendectomy last year. 

Why are you bothering me for something as stupid as that? 

Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?" 

"No, you fool!" the husband replied. 

"Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?"

••

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying 

for.           --Will Rogers-- 

••

.A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"God is coming --

and is SHE pissed!" 

••

A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, 

the dentist says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to 

have to drill that tooth.

Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.

To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind, I have to 

adjust the chair. 

••

I only shave on days when I'll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now. 

••

Ad's..

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not 

smoke or drink.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. 

Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting.... They are simply the tops.

••

“Old carpenters never die, 

they just lumber around.”

••

"Yo, Mrs. Miller," said the bearded guy behind the 

counter at the bagel shop.

My husband and I looked at him but drew 

complete blanks.

"I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I asked.

"Yeah, you were my English teacher."

Leaning over, my husband whispered, 

"Good job, Honey, good job."

••

cop: "can you point at which zebra it was"

 zebra: "ha good luck we all look the same"

 me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] "that one"

•• 

My grandpa said to me, "I guess I am getting 

really old after all."

I asked, "What happened'?

Grandpa grumbled, "I went to Kaka's antique 

auction and four people bid on me!"

••

“A curling iron is a permanent solution to a 

hairy problem.”

••••

••

••

♥

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large 

moose last night....

•• 

Men love dogs because they're faithful and loyal, 

respect their owners, and do as they're told. 

Women love cats because they're independent, 

out all night, and only come to you when they 

want something. 

ladies, we'll be more like cats if you'll be more 

like dogs... 

••

I had a bad experience w/ a choc. eclair so I went to a psychic 

to help rid myself of this debilitating memory.. 

she was a specialist, an eclairavoiant .....

••

Flex has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in 

crisp $9 notes. 

••

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates will donate 

$100 million to help immunize children in 

developing countries against meningitis 

and respiratory and diarrhea illnesses. 

With the shot, however, the children will have 

Microsoft Internet Explorer 4.0 installed in 

them.

••

My wife googled "when is it safe to leave a child at home alone"

and now she won't let me stay home alone. 

••

A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm 

and flood. 

He e-mails his office in NY: "Delayed by storm. 

Send instructions." 

His boss e-mails back: "Start vacation immediately." 

••

Did you hear about the Irishman who tried snorting Coke? 

The ice cubes got stuck in his nose. 

••

Rubbermaid Inc. is recalling about 60,800 

toboggans because they can break apart, causing 

loss of control and injury. 

They are sold under the brand name 

*Way-Too-Flexible-Flyers*.

••

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of 

expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex's car. 

••••

••

••

♥

If Reese Witherspoon married Bill Withers ....

...she'd have to give up the poon.

••

"Ever since we got married... 

my wife has tried to change me. 

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around 

until all hours of the night. 

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, 

gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the 

stock market." 

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you 

so drastically," remarked his friend. 

"I'm not bitter. 

Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me." 

••

One time I met David Hasselhoff. 

I said "could I please get your autograph Mr Hasslehoff?, 

I'm a huge fan" he signed it for me but said "These days I 

prefer to just be called 'The Hoff', though". 

I was a bit star struck so just took the autograph and said 

"sure, no hassle."

••

An old cowboy was in a saloon. 

He finishes his beer and head out the swinging doors. 

When he gets outside, he sees that someone has painted his 

horse's balls blue. 

So, now he is really pissed and goes stomping back in to the 

bar. 

He stands in the middle of the room and yells out "what lousy, 

yellow bellied bastard painted my horse's balls blue?" 

All the other customers not wanting any trouble, sort of put 

their head down and face the other way. 

So, now he is thoroughly pissed and yells out, "Dammit, 

this is your last chance. 

What dirty son of a whore painted my horse's balls blue?" 

All of a sudden the biggest man he has ever seen stands up. 

He was 6 foot 5, and 250 pounds of solid muscle. 

The big mans says "I did, what are you going to do about it?" 

Ummm, nothing. 

I just came in to tell you he's ready for the second coat. 

••

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had 

been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. 

He claimed that the Four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van 

he was driving should be counted. 

The judge ruled that passengers must be alive 

to qualify. 

••

What's the point of making people... 

like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they're not 

going to joust? 

••

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe 

to cross the street. 

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged 

coworker of mine(a blonde), when she asked if I 

knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the 

light is red.

She responded, appalled "What on earth are blind 

people doing driving?"

••

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to 

thinking about things.

"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" 

he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for 

coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Johnny thought for a second and said, 

"I'm glad you don't do any thinking. 

You would look silly without hair." 

••

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our 

nation's history...this century's history...

We all lived in this century. 

I didn't live in this century.

 -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and 

Republican vice-presidentin candidate 

••

After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, 

I realise Darth Vader wasn't the worst parent ever.

••••