Good Morning....Friends......another nice day.......

.

Friends.....

.

Is this a beaut...... A Bugitti....16 cyl.

.

Looking at this yawning cat....will make you do it too....

.

Balk beer opener......

.

After the par-tay..........The fish's are laffing....

.

The pig has a big head this morning........

.

And everybody forgot the cat, last night.......

.

Don't you let one box of tomatoes fall........

.

So thats were you went last night....sleep it off did you....

.

♥♥♥

~~ Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously

knocked on his blind date's door.

She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone

had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said.

"Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?"

He does wonderful tricks.

He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop

with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over.

Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through-and

over the balcony railing.

Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the truth, " he replied,

"he seemed a little depressed to me."

.

~~ I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in

when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when

they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man,

they love in a cat.

.

~~ Q: What do you call a snowman in June?

A: A puddle.

.

~~ An attorney and his five-year-old son were strolling

through a mall.

When a woman wearing a cervical collar walked by,

the boy proclaimed, "Look, Dad! It's a plaintiff!"

.

~~ When my husband was away at basic training,

my four-year-old daughter and I stayed with my sister.

Since my daughter already called me Mommy,

she started calling her aunt Mom,

the way her six-year-old cousin did.

One day, someone called.

I picked up the extension and overheard the person ask my

daughter if her daddy was home.

She said, "No, he's in the Army."

"Is your mom home?" he asked.

"Yes, but she's asleep with Uncle Danny."

.

~~ The teacher came up with a good problem.

"Suppose," she asked the second-graders,

"there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence.

How many would be left?"

"None," answered little Wyatt.

"None?".......

Wyatt, you don't know your arithmetic."

"Teach, you don't know your sheep.

When one goes, they all go!"

.

~~ A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty.

Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]

"Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...

Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me,

can you bring me a drink of water?"

.

~~ Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (1859-1930), the creator of

Sherlock Holmes, enjoyed practical jokes.

He is said to have once sent a telegram to twelve of his friends,

all people of great significance and power.

The telegram said: "Flee at once, the secret is discovered."

Within 24 hours all twelve had left the country.

.

~~ Gus strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and

walks up to the assistant.

"I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," he says.

"Certainly," says the clerk..... "Mind if I ask why you need it?"

"My parakeet," says Gus.

"See, I want to enter him in a canary contest.

He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."

"Well, you can't do that, Man!" the assistant says.

"The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"

"No, they won't," Jim replies.

"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you

try to paint him."

"You're on!" says Gus.

Two days later Gus comes back looking very sheepish and

puts ten bucks on the counter in front of the clerk.

"So the paint killed your bird?"

"Indirectly," Gus says.

"He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the

sanding between coats."

.

~~ Not-so-elderly lady: Well, Doctor, I guess I've reached that

awkward age.

Doctor: What do you mean?

Lady: Too young for Medicare, and too old for men to care!

.

~~ I love to go to the doctor.

Where else would a man look at me and say,

"Take off your clothes"? -Phyllis Diller-

.

.

Todays Thought: If you don't have enemies, you don't have character.

.

Good Morning, friends and other readers....I hope you Enjoy...

We had a great week end...got some jobs done around here...

.

This field by the church is full of Daisey's...

Just a yellow field........

.
Now you know why they call them the "Blue Ridge Mts......

.

Two of mine just resting...........behind the shop....

.

Yep....The old piggy bank is getting light........

.

I wouldn't mess with him......

.

Okay...Okay......you can go.......

.

Don't step back........

.

Need a job?....this one is open now.....

.

♥♥♥

~~ "The Bible tells us that we should love our neighbors."

"Did the Bible mention that they'd have a kid who plays drums?"

.

~~ During the course of being interviewed by the press,

the noted doctor was asked by a reporter:

"Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"

"Yes," was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"

.

~~ A man, submitting information to his income tax preparer,

was asked how many dependents he had.

"Sixteen," he replied.

The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"

The man replied, "Not if I can help it."

.

~~ During a road trip I stopped in a small town to grab a bite

to eat.

I walked into a local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was

a sign on the wall advising: "Price. Quality. Service.

Pick Any Two."

.

~~ Pete was once asked whether he resented his wife having

the last word.

"I never mind my wife having the last word," he replied.

"In fact, I'm delighted when she gets to it!"

.

~~ I walked with a friend to the newsstand the other night,

and he bought a paper, thanking the owner politely.

The owner, however, did not even acknowledge it.

"A sullen fellow, isn't he?" I commented as we walked away.

"Oh, he's that way every night," shrugged my friend.

"Then why do you continue being so polite to him?" I asked.

And my friend replied, "Why should I let him determine how

I'm going to act?"

.

~~ An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when

the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.

"I can't stop!" she shrilled.

"What should I do?"

"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit

something cheap."

.

~~ At an annual Bosses Night dinner in C-ville, Va, where

legal secretaries sponsored their lawyer bosses, it was time

to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began:

"First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Virginia.

So that already eliminates some of you as candidates."

"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown C-ville law firm.

That eliminates some more of you.

"Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

.

~~ QUESTION: What should you give a man who has everything?

ANSWER: A woman to show him how to work it.

.

~~ I recently attended our church women's annual general

meeting and tea.

Members were asked to bring the usual sandwiches and

squares, and to drop them off at the kitchen to be sliced by

volunteers.

Peeling back the tinfoil on a large cake pan I was surprised

to see that one entire row of brownies was missing.

In its place was a note: "Husband's portion removed."

.

~~ An elderly woman was brought to the ER with a fractured hip.

The ER doctor knew that surgery would be in order for the

patient.

“Have you ever undergone surgery?” he asked.

“Yes,” the woman said.

“Remember what type of surgery was it?”

“I’m not sure,” the old lady said..... “It was a long time ago.”

The physician noticed a scar on the right side of the woman’s

abdomen.

He pointed to the scar.

“Is this where you had the surgery?” he asked.

“No,” said the woman...... “It was in Brooklyn.”

.

~~~ "Ever consider what dogs must think of us?

I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the

most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow.

They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"

.

.

Today Thought: If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.

.

Good Sunday, Morning.......friends..

I added a couple more pics, just because.....

By the way....which do you all like.....

Pics or the jokes....or both?...

.

Not these crazy pictures again.......

.

I'm afraid so, Darling.......

.

Better be a large Big Mac and fries in that bag.......

.
Go ahead and complain...........

.

He complained, and look what he got.........

.

Wow.....that's a biggie......make lots soup?

.

These guys been hanging around.......

.

Now this is a weird looking critter........does it bite?

.

Just relaxing...........

.

Ugly looking Tube nose Bat.........

.

The Bosavi woolly rat ........

.

Sorry....I don't like Spiders, any kind.......

.

An't we cute?.....

.

♥♥♥

~~ You're better off betting on a horse than betting on a man.

A horse may not be able to hold you tight, but he doesn't

wanna wonder from the stable at night.

.

~~ After receiving an ivory carving of the Last Supper,

my friend Pat displayed it in a prominent place.

When her six-year-old grandson came to visit,

he noticed it and wanted to know what it was.

So she told him a little bit about what the artist had portrayed.

Not long after, the boy visited again, this time with some

cousins who hadn't seen the carving.

One of them asked what it was.

Before Grandma could reply, the six-year-old said,

"Oh, that's Jesus and the boys out to supper."

.

~~ I was talking to my preacher I noticed he had cut himself shaving.

I asked him about it.

He said he was concentrating on his sermon and nicked his chin.

I told him next time to concentrate on what he was doing and

cut his sermon.

.

~~ One of my friends duties as a novice drill instructor at

Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall.

After everyone had made it through the chow line,

he sat them down and told them,

"There are three rules in this mess hall:

Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked,

"What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors,

60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

.

~~ At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their

shots prior to going overseas.

One lad, having received his series of injections,

asked for a glass of water.

"What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant.

"Do you feel pain?"

"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

.

~~ While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed

several students on their hands and knees assessing the

courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

"What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask

the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this

courtyard."

When we were out of earshot of the freshmen,

my friend asked our guide: "So what's the answer?"

The guide replied: "One."

.

~~ My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away.

As long as I don't enjoy myself.

.

~~ Finished with canvassing all the stores in a town,

a traveling salesman checked out of a hotel.

On the way to the airport, he realized he'd left his hairbrush

behind.

He returned to the room, but it had just been given to a

honeymoon couple.

As he was about to knock, he heard, from inside, a nervous

bridal voice say, "And whose pretty nosey-wosey is that?

The groom said, "Yours, dear."

"And whose big wide shouldy-woudies are those?"

"Yours, dear."

"And whose chesty-westy is it?"

"Yours dear,"

Unable to wait any longer, the salesman yelled through the door,

"When you get to the crushy-brushy, that's mine!"

.

~~ "Keep love in your heart.

A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers

are dead.

The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a

warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring."

(Oscar Wilde...1854- 1900)

.

~~ The minister and his wife place an ad for a butler.

Early the next morning a nicely dressed young man appears

at their front door.

The minister asks him, "Can you fix breakfast by 7:00 a.m.

every day?"

"Well...I guess I can."

"And can you make the beds, dust the living room,

do the dishes, cut the grass, and polish the silver also?"

"Gee, Sir, I just came by to see about getting married.

But if it's going to be that much work, you can count me out!"

.

~~ A girl can wait for the right man to come along,

but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't

have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.

.

.

Todays Thought: Being overweight just sort of snacks up on you.

.

.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good Morning.....friends.... hope everyone is well...

"Witchy" seems good now....

Wants to win big at the dog track, this afternoon....

.

Lovers??.....

.

Yes....You may go to the bathroom.......

.

This is a great picture.......thanks, Julia......

.

Tree frog?....

.

Store keeper....?

.

Someone didn't set the brake......Opps......

.

I liked the little sign about the Badger.........

.

Another oppps.........................................

.

Wasn't me......

.

♥♥♥

~~ A man enters the bar of a five star restaurant,

sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks.

The bartender serves them on a silver tray,

setting all four in front of the patron.

The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds.

The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem."

"If you had what I had," the man replies,

"you'd drink them fast, too."

Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks,

"What do you have?"

"One Dollar Fifty ," the man answers.

.

~~ Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday,

one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully

each day before ordering.

One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be

made to order anything else.

Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs

entry.

Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few minutes,

the waitress approached him and asked,

"Sir, did you notice that I scratched something you like?"

Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied,

"Well, would you mind washing your hands before you

bring me my ham and eggs?"

.

~~ Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?

Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your

name, not a damn thing.

.

~~ Two friends arrived home after spending the night in

several bars.

The first one took the key from his pocket and tried

unsuccessfully to put it into the lock.

After several failed attempts, his friend said,

"Do you want me to try and steady your hand?"

No, my hand's okay, You try and hold the house!"

.

~~ "Some plants," said the teacher, " have the prefix 'dog'

For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet.

Who can name another plant prefixed by 'dog?'"

"I can," shouted a little boy in the back row. "Collie flower."

.

~~ A hillbilly woman was asked by the town banker to open

a bank account.

She declined, saying, "I keep my money safe to the house."

The banker said, "You've got four strapping sons.

Don't they try to get at your bankroll once in a while?"

The hillbilly woman said, "I keep it where they won't find it."

"Where would that be?"

"Under the soap!"

.

~~ "An abstract noun," the teacher said,

"is something you can think of, but you can't touch it.

Can you give me an example of one?"

"Sure," a teenage boy replied.

"My father's new motorcycle."

.

~~ A father believed that his son was spending way too

much time playing computer games.

In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention

on his schoolwork, the father said to his son,

"When Abe Lincoln was your age,

he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The son pointed out, "When Lincoln was your age,

he was President of the United States."

.

~~ My wife and I were at my high school reunion.

As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive

suits ... and their bulging stomachs.

Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than

I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat

a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife,

"I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore

when he graduated."

She glanced at the prosperous crowd,

then back at me and said,

"You're the only one who HAS to."

.

~~ "Darn!" Pete said to his friend while weighing himself at

the local drug store scale.

"I started on a new diet but the scale says I'm heavier than

I was before."

Turning to his friend, Gus, he said, "Here, hold my jacket."

The scale still indicated that he had not lost any weight.

"OK," he said to Gus...... "Hold my Twinkies."

.

.

Todays Thought: Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

.

Good Morning....Friends and other readers.......

Well, todays is the 700th post.... were did the time go?

.

Isn't this a cool picture?................

.

Now this one's not cool.........

.

Just what I need today........

.

A striped possum.......

.

A hairy caterpillar found in the rainforest....

.

A Cabbage head....??

.

Have a cup of Tea....."Witchy"..? She's the Tea drinker......

.

take those wings and learn to fly! now! .........

.

Biggest Grub worm I ever saw....Good breakfast for someone....

.

♥♥♥

~~ I have a hearing problem.

I found out the cause recently.

The human ear can only process 3,000 words a day.

After that the reception goes bad so all that is said doesn't

come in clear.

My wife is constantly chatting at me at a rate of 5,000 words

a day............ It is no wonder that I don't hear her.

.

~~ Sign on an "old" car's bumper...

"This car is constipated, can't pass a thing!"

.

~~ Gus and Pete went into a diner that looked as though it

had seen better days.

As they slid in a booth, Gus wiped some crumbs from the seat.

Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table.

The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

"No thanks," said Pete.... "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee too," Gus said.

"And please make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look.

She turned and marched off into the kitchen.

Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced......

"Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

.

~~ Bumper Stickers don't always mean what they say -

I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that

said "Honk if you love Jesus."

So I honked.

The driver leaned out his window, gave me an very impolite

gesture, and yelled, "Can't you see the light is still red,

you MORON!?"

.

~~ Moshe wants to buy a parrot and goes to his local pet

shop to see what they have.

The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one

is really quite special - it can speak most languages.

So Moshe decides to test this out.

"Do you speak English?" asks Moshe.

"Yes," replied the parrot.

"Hablas Espanol?" asks Moshe.

"Si," replied the parrot.

"Parlez vouz Francais?" asks Moshe.

"Oui," replied the parrot.

"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" asks Moshe.

"Jawohl," replied the parrot.

"Falas Portugues?" asks Moshe.

"Sim," replied the parrot.

Moshe pauses for a while, then asks the parrot,

"Do you speak Yiddish?"

The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says,

"Nu? Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?"

.

~~ 1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They're moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion: They are tiny women in little fur coats.

.

~~ "Your grandmother and I are going out to dinner,"

I said to my teenage daughter, Ree.

"Do you want to join us?"

"No way," she answered grumpily.

"I'm going to stay home and study."

That evening my mother asked if Ree was feeling well.

"She's okay," I said, "just a little cranky",,

"Intelligent children can be very temperamental,"

my mother sighed.......

"I certainly didn't have that problem with you."

.

~~ A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do.

My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine.

He doesn't put anything in its place,

I am always going around the house organizing things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me.

The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly,

'Every glass and plate that you take,

wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked,....... "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know.....

I haven't seen him since."

.

~~ A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother,

"How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother,

"the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother,

by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher

who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that

there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three

generations."

.

~~ I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty nester.

One night I was trying out an art project: making a person

with simple materials.

I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face,

put a shirt on the hanger and stuffed it.

Then I sat it on the couch to see how it looked.

Later that evening my son walked in the door, home for a

surprise visit.

Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch,

he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"

.

~~ In the traffic court a young lady was brought before the judge

to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light.

She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and

requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get

to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes.

"You're a school teacher, eh?" he said.

"Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition.

I've waited years to have a school teacher in this court.

Now sit down at that table and write;.................

'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"

.

~~ The deafening car alarm outside the supermarket got

everyone's attention.

So by the time I entered the store, this announcement was

coming over the PA system:

"Would the owner of a silver PT Cruiser please return to the

parking lot?.......... Your car is crying."

.

.

Todays Thought: Happiness is a place in the middle of too much and too little.

.

(Get Well!)