☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

I sure talk a lot of crap for someone who can't spell
"Wednesday" without having to say "Wed-nes-day" in
my head.

 

••

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in
high school are never going to pay off.

 

••

Bill & Hillary are in bed..
Hillary is wide-eyed one night, and starts poking Bill in
the back. "Wake up," she says.
Bill just turns over and groans.
Again, she pokes him the back and says, "Bill, wake up!"
"What do you want?" he grunts in a sleepy voice.
"I'm going to the bathroom," she says.
"You woke me up just to tell me your going to the
bathroom?"
"No," Hillary says. "I want you to save my place."

 

••

I generally avoid confrontation, but I'll be damned if I'm
going to let this serving size suggestion tell me how to live
my life.

 

••

[kisses daughter goodnight]
 Sleep tight.
"Daddy, where do babies come from?"
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He's lying......

••
A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday
dinner.
The first course was set in front of them and the
Jewish couple announced, "This is matzo ball soup."
On seeing the 2 large matzo balls in the soup, the Gentile
man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew.
Gently, the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man,
"Just have a taste.
If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."
Finally he agrees.
 He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of
matzo ball with some soup in the spoon, and
tasting it gingerly.
Liking it, he quickly finished the soup.
"That was delicious," he said.
"Can you eat any other parts of the matzo?"

 

••

You do know It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
 Even if it is no one's birthday.
They don't even check.

 

••

According to the most current magazine in my doctor's
office, every home in America will have a television by 1962.

 

••

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an
apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza & Came with no
Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread..
Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this!
Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the
pizza upside down......

 

••

A Muslim found the face of Allah  in a tub of margarine.
His neighbor from Nepal saw it and said:
"I can't believe it's not Buddha.”

 

••

In case you wondered what married life is like,
my wife is yelling at me for making her forget why
she was yelling at me.

 

••••

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

"America is getting snow? How cute" -Canadians..

 

••

"You are what you eat."
I'm about 90% burrito.....

••
An ad for a hedge clipper that I had to read twice:
“A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting,
and blades will stop when you take one hand off.”

 

••

{Stalker Diary}
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling
my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.

 

••

just got thrown out of the hospital....l
After three days there, I took a turn for the nurse.

••
Scene: Horseback-riding stable.
Mom: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter.
Me: Our horses are very sweet …
Mom: Don’t you have something smaller?
What about that one over there?
It’s the perfect size for her!
Me: Um … that’s a goat.

 

••

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY, MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD
TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS.....

 

••

A lady posted her grandmother's brownie recipe,
so I tried making them.
Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook....

 

••

If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these
actual claims?
“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.”
“The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so
I hit him again.”

 

••

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not
a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

 

•• 

The good news about falling down the stairs is that my
Fitbit counted it as a mile walk.

 

•• 

[ I start thinking about an imminent problem]

Hmm this
is unpleasant.
I better address this situation by not thinking about it
anymore.....

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

••

♥

*wears a tuxedo t shirt to interview as a joke*
McDonald's Manager: Oh wow, are you from corporate?

 

••

I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job
and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said,
"She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my
girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's a optician.”

 

••

My wife went to a casino in the Himalayas.
Tibet?
Of course, why else would she go.

 

••

“When someone is mad at you, that’s THEIR problem”
and other advice from my upcoming book,
‘Where Did All My Friends Go’..

 

••

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned..
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son..
ME: I microwave my pop tarts..
PRIEST: u sick son of a.........

 

••

They say a dog is man's best friend, but I don't even have
enemies that would stare directly into my eyes while
shitting on my carpet.....
 

••
If something drives you batty, relax, take a deep breath,
and just say “I don't give a flying fox.”

 

••

PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon"
PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you"
PIG: "Oh God, not you too"...
 

 

••
An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at
Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman.
"He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time.
It's his first trip home in forty years".
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been
away for a long time."
"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman.
"Sure, I haven't been away at all."

 

••

[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
"not guilty"
J: but you've admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
"He asked me to make him a pancake"...

 

••

[giving grandmother's eulogy]
 But on the plus side, that's the fastest she ever got
down the stairs....
 

••
Two competitors at the World Tag Championships were
rushed to the hospital.
It was touch and go for awhile.

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

 

Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA,
STAY HERE!
WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN
UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS....

 

••

If you use the Internet on your toilet while shitting,
you can log in as you log out.....

 

••

[Ghost Hunters]
 This ghost is a male, probably in his 40's
 -how'd u figure that out?
 He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up...

••
While in the hospital I complained about the food,
my bed, and the nurses.
My condition was listed as "highly critical."

 

••

R-ville Trailer Park Rules...
1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three years.
2. No draining your oil onto the street.
3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager.
4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes
each only having no more than 6 cans each.
5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior
to 10 am.
6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least
partially clothed.
7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please
close the curtains.
8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film
crews, please provide the management prior written
notice so that certain residents may be forewarned.
9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the
front lawn. However, they may remain there until you
are sober enough to collect them with the under-
standing you will collect them within 7 days whether
sober or not.
10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be
advised that in the event the sidewalks need to be
repaired or replaced due to the weight of your date, you
will be responsible for all cost incurred.

 

••

If you love someone, let them go.
If they don't come back, get a dog.

 

•• 

Walking by the lingerie section.....
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy?
No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.'

••
*whispers to dog wearing a 'working dog, do not pet' vest*
 psst.. what time does your shift end?

 

••

Friend: "This is the year I'm going to marry my best friend."
Me: "This is the year I'm going to train my dog to come
when I call him."

 

••

My wife is attached to a machine that keeps her alive........
the refrigerator.

 

••

[on first date]
I'll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure.
Ummm...anything for the balloon with a woman's face
drawn on it?

 

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit
she better be holding more cake.......

 

••

I watched Mad Max and now I'm riding my dog around
my living room using two bananas as guns.....

 

••

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking
at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery.
Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby,
"is that?"
He smiled condescendingly.
"That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her
child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

 

••

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
 See? Not nice, is it?

 

••

Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from
a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

 

••

You know you're old when...........
You can't tell the difference between a heart attack and
an orgasm.
 Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
 "Getting lucky" means finding your car in the parking lot.
You sit in your rocking chair and can't get it going.
Conversations with people your age turn into
"duelling ailments."
All your favorite movies are re-released in color.
Your idea of "getting a little action" means not
needing to take a laxative.
Your recliner has more gadgets than your car.

 

••

impatiently yells]
"What do I have to do to get a margarita around here??"
And that's when I got kicked out of Dairy Queen.

 

••

I went to the pharmacy and asked:
"Do you have a cure for head lice?
The pharmacist said: "It depends on what's wrong
with them."

 

•• 

If you don't believe in evolution,
how do you explain corn dogs.
 

••
 Kid: What's this?
 Me: A napkin holder
 K: What's a napkin?
 M: You wipe your hands on it when they're dirty
 K: You mean like the couch?
 M: ...

 

••

[job interview]
 Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish.
Would you care to expand?

 

••

There was a problem with the catering
at my Bulimia Sufferers Annual Convention,
but I didn't want to bring it up..

 

••••