☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet?
Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of
my mouth*

••
A father and son are out shopping for Christmas presents
for their family.
The son asks, "What present are my sister and I going to
get?"
The dad answers, "I got you guys an iPad and iPod."
"Wow, thanks," the son replies, "What will you give mom?"
The dad says, "Your mom is getting an iRon."

 

••

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house..
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that's why..
 

••
Notice...
"Aids cannot be transmitted by kissing, cuddling or sharing a
toilet seat."
*Maybe I'm missing something here but who the Hell would
want to kiss or cuddle a toilet seat?

 

••

Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to..

 

••

I really need to go on the show Survivor.
Not for the money or the fame.
It's just the only way I'm ever gonna effectively lose weight....

 

••

I can't believe how shallow women on dating sites can be.
I'd been chatting to this girl for a while and we were getting on ok,
but then she turned round and said she wasn't interested,
JUST because of the type of car I live in.

 

••

Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is
great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.

 

••
I wonder if...
Yuppies who get Chinese characters tattooed on their bodies
really know what they say ?
They could say "this guy is a giant asshole" for all they know.
Chinese tattoo artist joke on them.

 

••

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending,
now I'm tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me
Cinderella.

 

••••

 

 

 

 

☺☺

 

••

♥

Just opened a Christmas present from my uncle.
It was a box of rice.
Thanks Uncle Ben.....

 

••

I got my wife an artificial leg for Christmas.
It's not her main present just a stocking filler.

 

••

We’ve invited the mother-in-law round for Christmas for the
last three years.
This year, we might even let her in.

 

••

I’ve bought my kids a pack of batteries for Christmas with
a note saying: ‘Toys not included’.

••

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis.

 

••

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone's house in one night .?
me: warp speed.
4 y/o: warp speed isn't real..
 me: neither is Santa.... go to sleep..

••
 [ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift... ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
"Toilet paper?!"

 

••••

 

 

 

☺☺

♥

Baby, tonight let's put the kids to bed, pour some wine,
turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is
to move the Elf on the Shelf....

••

[drive thru]
 GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
 ME: yeah are you guys open?

 

••

 *Santa's Google search*

 cheap labor
 cheap labor not kids
 magic cheap labor
 elf for sale bulk
 labor laws by country
 north pole group travel..

••

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking
for a new job the next day.

••

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and
comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both
ears and comes out of the mouth..

••

People without kids who give other people's kids messy
or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and
fingerpaints..

 

•• 

I bought this thing for my car.

You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise,
so when you drive through the woods, deer won't
run in front of your car.
I installed it backwards by accident.
Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me.
Those were the days.

 

••

"It's one of those new Hoverboards!"

 9yr: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
"Don't be silly.
Now go vacuum...I mean play upstairs"

 

••

A Jehovah’s Witness gave me an advent calendar.

The first door I opened there were two of them standing
behind it.

 

••

My sister told me to "take the spider out" instead of

"kill" it.
So we went and had some drinks.
Cool guy.
Wants to be a lawyer..

 

••••

 

 

 

# 2925

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

Martin Shkreli in jail: "Can I have an aspirin?"

 Jail: "Yes. That will be $197,000."

 

••

"I made my famous dip for the office party"

You're a regular Abe Lincoln.
"But he wasn't a chef"
 Exactly....

 

••

Mr.Hey had a leak in the roof over his dining room,

so he called a repairman to take a look at it.
"When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman
inquired.
Mr.Hey scowled. "Last night, when it took me two
hours to finish my soup!"

 

••

A woman's cleavage is something you can

both approve of and look down upon.

 

••

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

and tells the DJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club.
It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s,
and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The DJ asks in an impressed tone," It was good of you to call us.
Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the
purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."

 

••

I slept through my girlfriend's alarm this morning and hit the

ground running after her husband threw me out the window..

••

Won a million dollar lottery and decided... to donate a quarter of
it to charity..
So I now only have $999,999.75 left..

 

••

Fruitcake is like marriage...

It takes two things that are great on their own and mashes
them together into one thing that sucks..

 

••

...and then the whiskey whispered "You should totally tell

her about what your ex used to do to you in bed."

 

••

The worst thing about finding out Santa isn't real is that

you realize it was your parents who were to blame for all
the terrible presents......

 

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

What did Frank Sinatra say when he was asked if he
had ever kept wading birds as pets ?
"Egrets, I've had a few................................"

 

••

Know what Santa... calls Reindeer that won't work?
Dinner....
 

••
If I really wanted to end my life I'd probably do it by wearing a
Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

 

••

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable
fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
 You will run into the coffee table.

 

••

 A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

 

••

How Alpacas got their name..
There was this Peruvian who had a bunch of cargo
he wanted to transport to the other side of the Andes.
He was standing there with his friend and his friend
said to him " Are you going to haul all that cargo
over the mountains , one crate at a time, yourself ?"
"No," he said.
"I'm gonna tie it to those ugly animals over there
and alpaca cross the mountains."
and that's how they got their name...true story !

 

••

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
narrowness of the waist change places.

 

••

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

 

••

Christmas and work are just alike...
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets
all the credit.

 

••

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home,
send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell...

••
A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene
 in a London gallery.
It was Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at
Bethlehem.
The boy said, “Dad, why is the baby lying in such a
crude cradle in a pile of straw?”
"Well, son,” explained the father, “they were poor,
and they couldn't afford anything better.”
Said the boy, "Then how could they afford to
have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?”

 

••••