••

♥

I'm like Newton's Third Law in that whenever I think I have a 

good idea, most other people have an equal and opposite 

reaction.

••

Doctor: "Here's your x-ray"

My wife: "Ewww I look ugly in this one, 

delete it and take another" 

••

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog 

"NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about 

this!" 

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my 

Super Bowl party today, but now I can't even find the game 

on tv to watch. 

••

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, 

wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the 

hospital. 

He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave 

her another hug and kiss when he left. 

Later, the wife's roommate commented, 

“Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.”

••

Even the stick figure woman on my 

wife's back window has a headache. 

••

Yo momma's so ugly, the government moved 

Halloween to her birthday!  

••

 I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone 

so we got married. 

••

A guy wakes up from a coma.....

His doctor asks him what he remembers.

All i remember is getting on an elevator with a 

gorgeous woman and her husband. 

She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop 

staring at it. 

She then looked at me and told me "Can you 

please press one?".

••

What if global warming IS a hoax and we clean up our air and 

oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy 

independent for nothing? 

••••

••

••

♥

Sometimes, whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two m&m's 

in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until 

one m&m cracks. 

I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn't crack becomes 

the champion. 

Then I grab the other m&m, and force it to compete with the 

champion in this deadly game of m&m gladiators. 

I do this until I run out of m&m's, and when there is only one 

m&m left standing, I send a letter to m&m's brand with the 

champion m&m in it with a note attached that reads: 

"Please use this m&m for breeding purposes." 

••

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER: 

---

---

Crap... 

I forgot the words.... 

••

Some people see things as they are and ask, why? \

Others see things that never were and ask, 

"Where's my medication?" 

••

On a bad dinner date? 

Bump the table with your knee to make the 

water in your glass ripple. 

Claim a T-Rex is coming. 

Sprint out the door.

•• 

Just how hairy was the person who invented a

shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

••

"My computer just crashed"... 

is going to be a much more serious statement when 

self-driving cars are the norm. 

••

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer....

••

A German shepherd craps on my lawn every day. 

What's worse, today he brought his dog. 

••

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. 

I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead. 

••

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went 

for a stroll in the park. 

They sat down on a bench to rest. 

They overheard voices coming from a secluded 

spot. 

Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man 

was about to propose. 

Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate 

moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, 

"Whistle and let that young couple know that 

someone can hear them." 

Murphy said, "Whistle? 

Why should I whistle? 

Nobody whistled to warn me."

••

A circle..a ring...a diamond ring...a diamond engagement ring...

OMG YES I'LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker. 

••••

••

••

♥

The bra I saw on the side of the road will have a much more 

exciting story about the weekend than I ever will.

••

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Freddie, sorrowfully 

told his mother, holding the turtle out to her. 

The mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. 

We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have 

a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. 

After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get 

you a new pet. 

I don't want you...." 

Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. 

"Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all." 

"Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?" 

••

In my day we didn't have text messaging. 

We had to write a "Do you like me: Yes or no?" note and pass 

it through 17 mutual friends.

••

I break out in hand cuffs when I drink tequila...

••

Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde 

passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed. 

Soon after takeoff, the blonde man called a stewardess to his 

seat and said, "I have a live grenade in my pocket. 

I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo."

Perplexed, the stewardess said, "But, sir. 

This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo."

"Damn!" replied the blonde passenger, 

"I got on the wrong plane."

••

The funniest thing about being sober is someday 

finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto. 

••

Told the cops I'm allergic to handcuffs.. 

There's some hot chicks in the emergency room. 

••

After police pulled over Kevin Temple, 35, in a routine traffic 

stop in Bronson, Fla., in October, a police dog sniffing the 

trunk became agitated. In the trunk and back seat, 

officers found the following live animals: 48 rattlesnakes, 

a Gila monster, 45 non-poisonous snakes, 67 scorpions, 

several tarantulas and small lizards, and a parrot. 

Temple said they were just pets....

••

Husband wrote a romantic message to his wife while on his 

official trip and missed an "e" in the last word. 

Now he is seeking police protection to enter his own house.... 

He wrote "Hi darling I'm experiencing the best time of my life 

& I wish you were her !!" 

     Game over. 

••

"You are what you eat"?

I don't remember eating a giant disappointment.

••••

••

Who left the box open???

••

♥

A Redneck went to the sheriff’s department to report that his 

wife was missing. 

Redneck: My wife is missing. 

She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. 

Sergeant: What is her height? 

Redneck: Gee, I’m not sure..... A little over five-feet tall. 

Sergeant: Weight? 

Redneck: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. 

Sergeant: Color of eyes? 

Rn: Never noticed. 

Sergeant: Color of hair? 

Rn: Changes a couple times a year.

Maybe dark brown. 

Sergeant: What was she wearing? 

Rn: Could have been a skirt or shorts. 

I don’t remember exactly. 

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? 

 Rn: She went in my truck. 

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? 

Rn: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost

engine special ordered with manual transmission. 

It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. 

Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. 

Trailering package with gold hitch. 

DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 

and four power outlets. 

Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. 

Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. 

At this point the Redneck started choking up. 

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy..... We’ll find your truck. 

••

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous 

if you've got Alzheimer's. 

••

My friends wife left him last Thursday, she said

she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back! 

I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, 

I've been using that powdered stuff."       

••

What a great guy my uncle was. Everywhere he went, 

he lit up the room. 

He's doing 10 years for arson.

•• 

I knew I was going bald........................ 

when it kept taking longer and longer to wash my face. 

••

A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to 

show her how to get to the hospital. 

So I pushed her under a bus. 

••

My wife kept complaining that she needed more space, 

so I locked her out of the house. 

••

I'm not afraid of identity theft.

Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call 

you a failure.

••

Signs you're drinking too much coffee: 

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. 

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. 

You can jump start your car without cables. 

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. 

You grind coffee beans in your mouth. 

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. 

You walk 20 miles on your treadmill before you realize it's 

not plugged in.

••

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist. 

••

Two old ladies are discussing their dead husbands. 

‘Tell me,’ says one. ‘Did you have mutual orgasms?’ 

‘No,’ says the other..... ‘I think we were with the Prudential.’ 

••••

☺ºº☺

♦♦

♥

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still 

love me?"

I said: "Of course I would.

I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

••

A man has been trying to get on a game show for a number of

months. 

He finally gets the show, and is doing well, until the

$50, 000 question. 

The host says, "Okay Bob, you're doing well,

and here's the $50, 000 question!! 

It's a two part question, you can answer either part first." 

"OK, says Bob, I'll go for it.

I'll take the second part first." 

The host says, "OK, here is the second part of the question; 

AND IN WHAT YEAR DID IT HAPPEN?"

••

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths 

have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...

••

My wife phoned me all in tears and said 

"You better come to the hospital,My mother hasn't got long 

to live!" 

I replied; "But honey, it's the big game tonight." 

She said "Record it and watch it later." 

You should have seen her face when I turned up at the 

hospital And dropped off the camcorder and the tripod. 

••

The best place to meet new women is outside a sex change 

clinic. 

••

Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square,

 thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings...

••

My favorite part about waking up really early in the morning 

is when I don't have to do that.

••

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced 

the annual conflict of which was more important - 

the football games on television, or the dinner itself. 

To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, 

and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation 

before retiring to the family room to turn on the game. 

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously 

even bought a cold drink for me. 

She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the 

score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and 

that the score was still nothing to nothing." 

See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

••

I split up with the old lady last night.  

She said I think about football more than i think about her. 

I was devastated , I've been with her 6 seasons 

••

"Look at this bitch flashing her gang signs at me!"

"Grandma please, she's deaf..."

••••