♣♣

••

♥

A 4-year-old boy was asked to pray before 

Thanksgiving dinner. 

The family members bowed their heads in 

expectation. 

He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his 

friends, naming them one by one. 

Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, 

brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his 

aunts and uncles. 

Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. 

He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the 

fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, 

the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited -- 

and waited. 

After a long silence, the young fellow looked up 

at his mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for 

the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

••

No person really decides before they grow up 

who they're going to marry. 

God decides it all way before, and you get to 

find out later who you're stuck with.

        -- Kristen, age 10

••

If you think you have a stupid question, 

just remember NASA engineers once asked 

Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 

day mission. 

My love life has been so bad I decided to call one 

of those phone-sex numbers. 

Just my luck, they put me on hold. 

I waited and waited, and when I finally got 

through the girl says, "Not tonight.... 

I have an earache." 

••

In a small town, farmers of the community had 

gotten together to discuss some important issues. 

About midway through the meeting, a wife of

one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace.

When she was done, one of the old farmers stood 

up and said, “What does she know about 

anything? 

I would like to ask her if she knows how many 

toes a pig has?”

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, 

“Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!”

••

My wife was complaining that I was excluding

her from my online life, so I gently took her hand 

in mine and used her finger to scroll. 

••

Honesty is the best policy, unless you're trying 

to return something that you've already worn.

••

I asked my wife, "Where are my blue 

underwear?"

"How am I supposed to know?" she replied, 

"They'll be wherever you left them."

"Of course," I said, putting my coat on, 

"I'll be back in 10 minutes then."

••

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!

Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear 

her broomstick! 

••

There's no pleasing my wife sometimes. 

She wanted help with the housework so I got my 

girlfriend to come around and she went mental. 

••

It's almost that time of night where I drunk text 

my ex...

"I have to tell you something" then shut my 

phone off. 

••••

••

Warning.. big bad dog....

••

♥

After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his 

old friend Peter on the bus.

"Say, Peter said, "How's it going? 

"Going? You want to hear one of the most 

amazing things that ever happened? 

Tell me- what's today's date? 

 "July seventh. "Right. 

The seventh day, of the seventh month. 

I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. 

My son is seven years old today, and we live at 

number seven, Seventh Avenue. 

"Let me guess, Peter interrupted. 

"You put everything you had on the seventh 

horse in the seventh race. 

"Right.? 

"And he won! Peter sighed.

"No. He came in seventh.

••

An elderly couple was at home watching TV. 

Phil had the remote and was switching back 

and forth between a fishing channel and the 

porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally 

said: "For god's sake Phil, Leave it on the porn 

channel...... 

You know how to fish!"

••

I'm already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, 

I've given the bird to lots of people today. 

••

A farmer from Europe visits his son in America 

for the very first time. 

They went to a local supermarket.

farmer : “Vas diss, powdered orange juice?”

Son: “Yeah, Dad. 

You just add water, and you have fresh orange 

juice!”

A few minutes later, in a different aisle the farmer 

says: “And whats dis, powdered milk?”

Son: “Yeah, Dad. 

You just add water, and you have fresh milk!”

A few minutes later, the farmer says: 

“Und give look here. 

Baby Powder! Vat a country! 

They take da fun outta everyting!”

••

*spits out animal cracker*

 This doesn't even taste like hippo. 

••

This young man was elated when he turned 

eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. 

for any one under seventeen years of age. 

He told his Dad how happy he was that now he 

could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. 

"Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but 

the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the 

garage by eleven."

••

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name 

sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald's 

deep fryer...  

••

His father said. Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, 

were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing 

home one evening. 

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, 

"I know just what you're wanting. 

For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there 

in that rocking chair." 

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a 

word. 

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with 

you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 

I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, 

and give you the most romantic evening you've 

ever had in your life." 

The old lady still says nothing but, after a couple 

minutes, starts digging down in her purse. 

She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. 

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my 

room," says the old man. 

"Get serious", she replies. 

"Four times in the rocking chair." 

••

Everybody can be a mime and if you don't 

believe me, watch somebody walk into a spider 

web. 

••

My wife finds my jokes during sex hilarious.

Last night she had multiple sarcasms.

••

Being pulled over is no joke. 

It's scary, but you know whats even worse? 

Being a passenger in your friends car when they 

get pulled over. 

Thats when you start finding out the things 

about your best friend you never knew existed. 

Damn! Damn! 

This car is not even registered. 

I got a handgun in the glove box, cocaine under 

your seat. 

I'm wearing a wig, and we've got a dead body in 

the trunk.

••

If you insinuate that I'm fat again, 

I'm leaving you!

Don't be selfish, think about the baby.

What baby?

 Oh, so you're not pregnant? 

••••

••

••

♥

Nobody in 1972 would have guessed that in 2014, 

Bill Cosby and Charles Manson would both be in 

the news...but Manson more favorably.

••

My wife told me to strive for perfection, 

so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit 

model. 

••

gift registry...... 

Charles Manson's bride -to-be has set up a 

wedding registry at Home Depot and Cabelas. 

Suggestions for gifts are: 

Home Depot: Hacksaw, 200ft. nylon rope, 

bolt cutters and/or wire cutters, etc. 

Cabelas: His and hers camouflage outerwear, 

any type of firearms, preferably auto or 

semi-automatic, ATV ( again preferably 

camouflage). 

Cash donations may be made to bride and 

grooms' plastic surgeon or sent to "The Ranch" 

for the reception....

••

What has 4 legs: 2 gray and 2 brown? 

an elephant with diarrhea.... 

••

A man walks up to the counter and says "I would 

like a polish sausage please" 

The man behind the counter says "you must be 

polish" 

Stunned, the man replied, "what do you mean 

I must be polish to buy a polish sausage?!? 

Do I have to be Mexican to buy a taco? 

Do I have to be Itallian to order a pizza? 

What do you mean I have to be Polish in order 

to buy polish sausage?" 

The man behind the counter said, "No, no, no 

I mean you MUST be Polish. 

This is a hardware store" 

••

I rarely speak to Obama supporters, 

but when I do....I ask for large fries. 

••

What nationality are you when you are on your 

way to the bathroom? 

Russian. 

What are you while you are in the bathroom? 

European. 

What are you after you go to the bathroom? 

Finnish.

•• 

I keep trying to get through to my wife, 

but she just won't let me. 

She keeps changing the damn locks. 

••

Mexican Word of the Day: FRITO. 

“After arguing with the Republicans, 

Obama told the illegals they are frito stay.”

••

fractured definitions; 

- shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.. 

- divorce: future tense of marriage.. 

- alcoholic: someone who drinks as much as you 

do, but who you don't like..

- porcupine: a yearning for bacon.. 

- Karaoke: Japanese for tone deaf ..

- mistress: something between a mister and a 

mattress.. 

- reoriented: sent back to China.. 

- cobra: a bra for conjoined twins..

••

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...

ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. 

••••

••

••

♥

Wife: Yesterday I saw a very Beautiful Girl.

Husband: Really ?? 

Then what happened?

Wife: I just kept on Admiring her, On & On..

Husband (Gets Irritated): But, 

what happened then?

Wife Smiled & said: Then What ??

I Simply Moved away from the Mirror !!!

••

What did the 500 pound canary say to the cat? 

Here, kitty, kitty! 

••

Txted my GF while partying in Vegas...

saying "Hi Hun, I'm enjoying a lot,wish

u were her"after that I realized what a

spelling mistake could do....

••

My friend and I were talking about food and he 

said "I'm not a big Chinese guy" and I was like 

"I know you're not" 

••

I watched craps at the casino for over an hour 

tonight until security finally dragged me out of 

the bathroom.

••

Just about the time when you think you can make 

ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

••

Walking along the beach, John tripped over a 

half-buried lamp. 

He rubbed its side and sure enough, a Genie 

materialized.

"I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed 

spirit, "Due to poor connectivity with the 

seventh dimension. 

But I'll give you three off-the-shelf gifts for 

releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, 

a very large diamond, and a dinner date with a 

famous movie star. 

By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received 

all these gifts."

When John returned home from work the next 

evening, he excitedly asked his wife if anything 

had been delivered.

"Yes," she replied. 

"It's been an unusual day. 

At 2 pm, a 55 gallon drum of chicken soup 

arrived. 

About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying 

that a long-lost relative had left you a 

minor-league baseball stadium. 

Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to 

dinner with Lassie tonight."

••

I have a hard time with those French, 

they have a different word for everything. 

••

I used to always enjoy asking people what they 

would do if they only had an hour left to live. 

And that's how I lost my job as a guard on death 

row. 

••

Everything brightened up when you came into 

our presence.

 - Food in my refrigerator. 

••

I just fake-went-to-the-bathroom to avoid 

someone. 

He followed me in. 

I don't think the pee noises I'm making with my 

mouth are working. 

••••

••

••

♥

My friend is so stupid......

He ordered sushi well done....

•• 

Last night I slept alone for the first the in 3 years, 

thanks to the exterminator. 

••

Three animals, a hawk, a lion, and a skunk, are 

arguing about which is the most fearsome. 

The hawk says it's the most fearsome as it's the 

fastest. 

The lion says it's the most fearsome because it's 

the strongest. 

The skunk says it's the most fearsome as it's the 

worst smelling. 

Just then a bear came along and swallowed them 

all: hawk, lion and stinker. 

••

I couldn't believe it when I got home from work 

tonight and didn't hear the smoke alarm. 

I've got salad for dinner again. 

••

My Theory of Relativity: 

Time moves more slowly when you are with

your relatives. 

••

You know it was some good pot when you're 

eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 

'Put your clothes on', and you realize it's not 

your girlfriend, it's some woman on the bus.

••

I wish my new girlfriend and I could try some 

different sex positions. 

But the last time I untied her, she almost got 

away....

•• 

"Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory!" 

"When did this happen?" 

"When did what happen?"  

••

I see Tennessee is bringing back the electric 

chair due to a shortage of lethal injection drugs. 

They really do fry everything in the South. 

••

The first time I sang in the church choir, 

98 people changed their religion. 

••

Friend said I should try new KFC sandwich. 

I suggested we cut out the middleman & hook 

me up to an IV of chicken fat. 

••••