••

 

••

♥

 

Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine.
But may I ask why you named your fourth
child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'

••
Two boys received as a gift a Kreepy Krauly
oven, a small oven used to bake plastic bugs.
The boys prepared the first tray of bugs and slid
it into the oven to bake.
The younger one, Ian asked his older brother
Alex, if he could look through the clear plastic
window at the top of the oven to watch the
baking in progress.
"No," Alex replied, "you don't have the right
kind of eyes.
It says right here that you need adult
supervision."

 

••

Mr.Richman has 3 daughters.
Their names are nobody, somebody and
crazy.
One day nobody and somebody are fighting
over a fake eyebrow.
Then crazy went to the policeman and she
said"Nobody and Somebody are fighting"
Then the policeman looked at her then he
said "What are you talking about?"
Then she said again "Nobody and Somebody
are fighting"
Then the policeman said "What? Are you
crazy?"
Then she said "Yes but how did you know my
name?"

 

••

Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance
when he decided to commit suicide.
He stood at the top of a tall cliff and
tied a noose around his neck.
He tied the other end of the rope to a large
rock.
He drank some poison and set fire to his
clothes.
He even tried to shoot himself at the last
moment.
He jumped and fired the pistol.
The bullet missed him and cut through the
rope above him.
Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into
the sea.
The sudden dunking extinguished the flames
and made him vomit the poison.
He was dragged out of the
water by a kind fisherman and was taken to
hospital, where he died ... of exposure!

 

•• 

I'm not saying my wife talks too much or
anything,
But she uses a special SPF 30 sunblock for
her tongue.

 

••

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns
you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up and down and replies,
"Your sense of humor."

 

••

My brother's retired in-laws decided to spice-up
their love life.
So, to do that he takes vitamin E and she takes
iron...So now, when he's "ready," she's RUSTY!! ;)

 

••

A man in Orange County Municipal Court
had been ticketed for driving alone in the
carpool lane.
He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in
the mortuary van he was driving should be
counted.
The judge ruled that passengers must be
alive to qualify.

 

••

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking
other toys.

 

••

Any man who thinks marriage is a 50/50
proposition proves that:
Either he knows nothing at all about
percentages, (or) he's got an awful lot to learn
about both women and marriage.

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

Bumper sticker seen on a stealth bomber:
"If you can read this, then we wasted 50 billion
bucks."

 

••

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her
students as they experimented with their desk
computers.
One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how
to get the computer going.
The teacher walked over and read what was on
his screen.
In her most reassuring voice, she said,
"The computer wants to know what your name
is," then she walked over to the next child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and
whispered, "My name is David."

 

••

If at first you don't succeed -- give up!
No use being a damn fool.

 

••

USAir recently introduced a special half fare
for wives who accompanied their husbands
on business trips.
Expecting valuable testimonials,
the PR department sent out letters to all the
wives of businessmen who had used the
special rates, asking how they enjoyed their
trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

 

••

How am I supposed to adopt healthy eating
habits when the damn salad falls out of my Big
Macs?

 

••

An old man goes into the Social Security Office
and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked
to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray
hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, show's her the check,
and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, "Well get back down there, pull
down your pants, and see if you can get
disability!"

 

••

BBC: Burial space could run out in 20 years
Hope this doesn't lead to panic dying...

 

••

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar,
where Mick bragged to Sean, "You know,
I had me every woman in this town, except of
course, me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we
got 'em all."

 

••

An economist is a trained professional paid to
guess wrong about the economy.
An econometrician is a trained professional
paid to use computers to guess wrong about
the economy.

 

••

Talk is cheap...... Supply exceeds Demand.

 

••

Jake is 85, and he gets married to a
16-year-old.
He walks into the local bar when he gets back
from his honeymoon, and all the guys want
to hear about his wedding night.
Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel,
my youngest son carried me up the stairs,
undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed
with my bride, so's me and her could spend
the night together.
The next morning all three of my sons came
upstairs and lifted me off of her."
The bartender says, "Why did it take three
sons to get you off?"
Jake says, "I fought 'em."

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like
most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
'I like your sense of humor!'

 

••

A very well-built young lady was lying on her
psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated
she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she
complained.
"I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being
a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales
clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said...
"Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life.
Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her
large, breasts, points it at the shrink,
and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

 

••

Some of the most tactful people on Earth
are English.
One office supervisor called a secretary in to
give her the bad news that she was being
fired.
He started the conversation with:
"Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're
going to get along without you, but starting
Monday, we're going to try.

 

••

On a bumper sticker:
Keep honking, I'm reloading.

 

••

Said a swinging young girl named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."

 

••

Getting older gives "Twist and Shout" a
whole new meaning.

••

British madam, bent on retiring, finally found
A 40 year old Aussi man that never slept with
a woman.  On their honeymoon, after
freshen up, she saw he moved all the
furniture to the walls.
She asked "What gives with this?".
Well if you are anything like a kangaroo,
we need all the space we can get.

 

••

News headlines......
  Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
  New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
  Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts
Fire..
  Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect
Homicide..
  Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge.
  Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board.
  Deer Kill 17,000.
  Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni.
 War Dims Hope for Peace.

 

••

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been studying our
marriage certificate for quite some time.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
 

••
I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in L.A. --
not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop.
And Im in my car, and he gets out --
hes sweating, hes got these little shorts on.
You know how fast you were going?
Yeah, a lot faster than that bike.

••••

 

 

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

Michelle Obama’s 50th birthday party
supposedly went all the way until 2 a.m. on
Saturday.
Which explains why on Sunday, Barack
expanded healthcare to include Gatorade and
Tylenol.

 

••

Photos surfaced of Justin Bieber smoking weed.
Fans of Justin Bieber are shocked...
fans of Marijuana are embarrassed.

 

••

Apparently studies have shown smoking weed..
causes short term memory loss......
Well, of all the nerve..
Next they will be saying that smoking weed
causes short term memory loss.....

••
Swedish Text Message:
OLE TEXTS LENA………....
“Lena, I’m having 1 more beer with Sven.”
“If I’m not home in 1 hour .... read this message
again.”

 

••

Q: How did Captain Hook die?
A: Jock itch.

 

••

The limousine was taking the beautiful
raven-haired model to the airport.
Halfway there, the front tire went flat. 
The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to
wait for road service. 
Can you change it yourself?" 
The driver said, "Sure." 
He got out of the car and proceeded to
change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel
cover off. 
The model saw him struggling and asked,
"Do you want a screwdriver?" 
He said "Sure!
But, first I have to change this tire."

 

••

Read this in a classified ad:
"Vacation special: Have your home
exterminated...... Get rid of aunts."

 

••

When I was young..
I was scared of the dark.
Now I am old and when I look at my electricity
bill, I am scared of the lights.

 

••

You know it was some good pot when..
you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend
says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize
it's not your girlfriend......
it's some woman on a bus.

 

••

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like
most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
'I like your sense of humor!'
••••

♠♠

 

••

♥

 

During an extremely cold and snowy winter,
all the highway signs were buried in deep snow.
The following spring, the state decided to raise
all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million
dollars.
“That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer,
“but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it
instead of the federal government.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government,
they’d decided to lower the highways.”

 

••

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all
fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
"No, sweetheart," he answered.
"Some begin with If I am elected.''

 

•• 

Lynn said;
When I was six months pregnant with my third
child, my three year old came into the room
when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower. 
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" 
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has
a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what is growing in
your butt?"

 

••

Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a
bottle of Evian water?
 A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!

 

••

"I was in a very generous mood today," a
woman says to her friend.
"I gave a poor beggar $25."
"That's a lot of money to give away," says her
friend.
"What did your husband say?"
"He said, Thank you."

 

••

Unfortunately I wasn't nominated for an Oscar
again this year.
Apparently you have to be in a movie to get one
now.

 

••

During the Civil War, General Ulysses S. Grant
wasn't impressed by a fellow officer, even
though it was pointed out that the other man
had served in ten campaigns.
So has that mule over there, Grant countered,
but he's still a jackass, isn't he?

 

••

Whats the difference between a regular toad
and a horney toad?
A regular toad croaks "Ribbit Ribbit" while
a horney toad croaks "Rub-it Rub-it"...

 

••

Why is Washington called the District of
"Columbia"?
Because its namesake, Christopher Columbus,
didn’t know where he was going, didn’t know
where he was when he got there, and he did it
all on borrowed money!

 

••

A cop pulls a woman over and says, "Let me
see your driver's license, lady."
The woman replies, "I wish you people would
get it together.
One day you take away my license and the next
day you ask me to show it."

 

••

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
Eight beers.

 

••••