••

 

••

♥

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid
because I believed in Santa Claus, and
unfortunately, so did my parents.

 

••

The classically minded among us may have
noted a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet
Explorer e-mail program which uses the
musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis"
from Mozart's Requiem.
"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery
line on the screen, while the chorus sings
"Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis."
For those of you who have not studied Latin,
this translates to "The damned and accursed
are consigned to the flames of hell."
Good to know that Microsoft has done its
research!

 

••

Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker
in history.
He left not knowing where he was going, and
upon arriving, not knowing where he was.
He returned not knowing where he had been,
and did it all on borrowed money.

 

••

Sobel goes into the optometrist's office.
He opens the door and says to the receptionist,
"I think I need my eyes checked."
She says, "You're not kidding.
This is the Ladies Room."

 

••

Women are like bacon: they smell great, taste
delicious, and kill you slowly.....
Men are like bacon: they're all pigs.

 

••

It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to
California. 
Yep, she has started a business telling people's
fortunes. 
But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she
smells one's breath.
That, right, the sign outside reads:
Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.....

••
Last christmas I got a goldfish.
He was a real talented goldfish.
He could breakdance on the table.
Only for about thirty seconds though...

 

••

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance
who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible
that he found in a dusty, old box.
He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-
other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot!
You've thrown away one of the first books ever
printed.
A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million
dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth
anything close to that much," replied the man.
"It was scribbled all over in the margins by some
guy named Martin Luther."

 

••

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

 

••

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch
when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what
was that for?
Pa said for forty years of bad sex.
Ma said oh and continued rocking.
Ma reached over and slapped Pa.
Pa said what was that for?
Ma said for knowing the difference.

 

••

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and
sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find
out."
When you are over seventy who gives a shit?

 

•••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual
survey in Jeff's neighborhood.
"How often a week do you sleep with your wife?"
asked the inquirer.
"Three times," Jeff said without hesitation.
"That is once more often than your neighbor,"
the inquirer said, writing.
"That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's
my wife."

 

••

I decided to go to Las Vegas for Christmas this
year, but they thru me out of the hotel.
Apparently they have a different definition of
"crap table" THAN I DO.

 

••

If money is the root of all evil, then why do
they ask for it in church?

Jeffrey J. Pyrcoch, 19, and an alleged accomplice
were arrested in West Lafayette, Ind., in May on
theft and fraud charges.
Pyrcioch allegedly cashed checks that he had
written with disappearing ink, apparently believing
the checks would be blank by the time they were
presented to the bank for collection.
However, traces of ink remained, and police said
Pyrcoch would have a better chance of getting away
with it if he had not used checks pre-printed with
his name and account number on them.

 

••

I was playing scrabble when an Earthquake hit..
I had a vowel movement....
 

••
Aliens DO indeed exist.
They just know better than to visit a planet that
Chuck Norris is on.

 

••

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.

 

••

A man walking down the street noticed a small
boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house.
Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite
reach it.
The man decided to help the boy, walked up on
to the porch and pushed the doorbell.
He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked,
"What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

 

••

I'm afraid to invite my Niece to our Christmas
party.
She came to a party we had about a month ago,
and she sat in the middle of our living room
with her baby.
I had over 25 guests at that party and all of
them seemed to be watching her.
She had her breast out, feeding her baby.......
cereal. 

 

••

My brother didn't like being in jail....
He wouldn't take food or drink and he smeared
his poop all over the walls.
Mom said he can't play Monopoly with us
anymore.

••••

 

 

#2200

♠♠

 

♠♠

♥

 

Why is Christmas like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit
gets all the credit.

 

♠♠

I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey,
but I turned myself around.

 

♠♠

A carpet layer had just finished installing
carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd
lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet,
was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one
pack of smokes," he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and
flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
"Here," she said, handing him his pack of
cigarettes.
"I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."

 

♠♠

Becoming a garbage man isn't hard....
you just pick it up as you go along.

 

♠♠

One fine morning Dean came early into the
office and caught his subordinate,  Martin
kissing his secretary.
Angered, Dean screamed: “Martin, do I pay you
good salary for doing this?”
Martin: “No sir, I am doing this for free.”

 

♠♠

The president of the service club asked his new
member, "Would you like to donate something to
the home for the aged?"
The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."

 

♠♠
Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . .
I am 300 miles from land . . .
600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . .
please instruct!
Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . .
repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in
heaven . . ."

 

♠♠

Why shouldn't you wear Russian underwear?
Because Chernobyl fall-out.

 

♠♠

The worst thing about being a test tube baby
has to be that you know for sure your dad's a
wanker....

 

♠♠♠♠

 

 

♣♣

 

♣♣

♥

 

Obama is inspecting 3 armed forces personnel,
1 from each of his fighting forces.
He asks each one what they would do if they
woke up and found a camel spider in their tent
on operations?
The Marine says, “I’d reach over, grab my
bayonet and stab it to death!”
The Army guy says, “I’d reach over, grab my
boot and batter it to death !”
The airman says, “I’d reach over, pick up my
phone, call reception and ask……..
“Who the hell has put a tent up in my hotel
room?”

 

♣♣

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells
only slices.
In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle
in the air.

 

♣♣

If I 'didn't know' as much as obama 'doesn't
know' I'd would have been fired from my job a
long time ago.

 

♣♣

You can learn many things from children.
How much patience you have, for instance.

 

♣♣ 

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a
new commanding officer was sent to a jungle
outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing
the courtesies that protocol decrees (gin and
tonic, thinly sliced cucumber sandwiches),
the retiring colonel said, "You must meet
Captain Smithers, my right-hand man.
God.... he's really the strength of this office.
His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to
the new CO, who was surprised to meet a
toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked
specimen of humanity, a particularly
unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about
yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from
Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the
Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions
 behind enemy lines.
 I've represented Great Britain in equestrian
events and won a Silver Medal in the
middleweight division of the Olympics.
I have researched the history of..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never
mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in
your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor
to get screwed."

♣♣
The clerk showed the man the store's most
expensive perfume.
"This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk.
"It's $285 perounce."
"Listen," the man shot back, "for $285 an ounce,
I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want
something called...
"You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some !!"

 

♣♣

Idris Elba, the actor who plays Nelson Mandela
in the coincidental film, was asked what drew
him to the role.
He said, "Its apartheid always wanted"

 

♣♣

I was bagging my own stuff at Walmart when a
woman came up to me and said how kind
it was that Walmart hires "you people".
I smiled and started drooling.

 

♣♣

Christians have created a holiday that has
become a beast that cannot be fed.
Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer
and longer.
And you dont care, do you?
You just take more and more of the calendar
for yourself.
Its unbelievable!
How long does it take you people to shop?
Its beyond belief..... Its insane.
When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween,
and Santa was'nt poking his ass into it!

 

♣♣

While carpenters were working outside the old
house I had just bought, I busied myself with
indoor cleaning.
I had just finished washing the floor when one
of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay, I looked from his muddy boots to
my newly-scrubbed floors.
"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick
solution.
"I'll put down some newspapers for you."
"That's all right, Lady," he responded.
"I'm already trained."

 

♣♣

Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will
go wrong.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

 

♣♣♣♣

 

 

••

 

••

♥

I'm happy for China.
Sending a rover to the moon is really
impressive.
These days our government can't even get a
website to work.

 

••

The Kardashian husbands are like fragrances.
Every year they release another one.

 

••

Over the weekend the Obamacare website was
down.
Fortunately, most Americans were unaffected
because they never knew it was up.

 

••

THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
"The best years of your life are the ones in
which you decide your problems are your own.
You do not blame them on your mother, the
ecology, or the president.
You realize that you control your own destiny."
- Albert Ellis

 

••

The shy, young man is thinking about asking
his girl to marry him, but he doesn't know how
to say it, so he asks his father, "Dad, what did
you say to mum so she married you?"
"I only said 'OH NO!!!' and then we got married
the next day."

 

••

My Mother-in-law is very heavy.
I'm afraid of her.
Turns out that I'm not afraid of heights,
I'm afraid of Widths. 

 

••

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of
a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were
doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the
flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a
ladder."
 The woman took a wrench from her purse,
loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket,
took a measurement and announced,
"Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that
just like a dumb blonde!
We ask for the height, and she gives us the
length!"

 

••

The homeowner was delighted with the work
the painter did, so he gave him an extra $80
"to take the missus out to a dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the homeowner was surprised
to answer the door to the painter.
"Is everything OK? Did you forget something?"
"No, everything is fine.
I just came to take your missus to the dinner
and movie like you suggested."

 

••

The children of two movie actresses were
talking.
Tina: “Somebody told me you have a new father,
how is he?”
Rita: “Really nice.
Come to my place, you can meet him.
I am sure you will like him.”
Tina: “I have already met him.
Last year, he was my father too.”

 

••

You realize your childhood is over when you
fall asleep on the couch and wake up on the
couch.

 

••••