••

 

••

♥

 

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden,
cobwebs in my house are decorations!

••
Ode to The Bobbits
There once was a Bobbitt named John
Who thaught he was quite the Don Juan
His wife disagreed
So the next time he wee'd
John couldn't locate his wand.

 

••

On Halloween I shouted through to the wife.
"Honey there's a witch at the door what shall I
do?"
 She replied, "Just give her some sweets and
tell her to f**k off."
My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since.

 

••

"Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a stop
light, I imagine myself as Luke Skywalker, and
I close my eyes and concentrate on using The
Force.
Sometimes I have to concentrate longer than
others, but I know it works, 'cause the light
always turns green."

 

••

I was about to buy a new computer....
But then it occured to me....The hardest part
of getting a new computer is deliberating
whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses
all over again .

 

••

My fat friend's idea of getting involved in sport
is having athletes foot, tennis elbow and a nose
that's always running.

 

••

The Bobbitt case sure is a dilly
Though it sounds a little bit silly
He said she's the hacker
Who lopped off his whacker.
She said she was trying to Free Willy.

 

••

He opened his credit card statement and then
looked at his wife and then again at the huge
balance.
Money spent frivolously on dresses, shoes and
handbags.
He prays she doesn't find out.

 

••

"The first step in curing your addiction to
alcohol, is admitting you have a problem, Dave."
said my counselor..
"Fine.." I replied, "I've got a huge damn problem. 
"But I don't see what the wife has to do with
this though."

 

••

All I'm saying is, if this country really cared
about it's people with psychological disorders..
They wouldn't be letting them run the
government.

 

••

 

 

#2140

••

 

••

♥

If the NSA... had built the website for healthcare...
Americans would have been signed up before
they knew it...

 

••

I'm so broke that I go to KFC to lick other
peoples fingers!

 

••

Rubbermaid Inc. is recalling about 60,800
toboggans because they can break apart,
causing loss of control and injury.
They are sold under the brand name
*Way-Too-Flexible-Flyers*.

 

••

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates will donate
$100 million to help immunize children in
developing countries against meningitis and
respiratory and diarrheal illnesses.
With the shot, however, the children will have
Microsoft Internet Explorer 4.0 installed in
them.

 

••

“The origami artist won the court case because he
was good with paperwork.”

 

••

The problem with political jokes is they get
elected.

 

••

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar
and, after staring for some time at the only
woman seated at the bar, walked over to her,
placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling
her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained,
"I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife.
You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son
of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly
like her."

 

••

What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.

 

••

A study in Scotland showed ... that the kind of
"male face" a woman finds attractive can differ
depending on where a woman is in her
menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is post-menstrual she may
be attracted to plain facial features.
When pre-menstrual she can be attracted to
more feminine features in a man.
If she is ovulating she is attracted to men with
rugged, masculine features.
And if she is menstruating she is more prone
to be seen next to a man with a pair of scissors
shoved in his temple. 

 

••

How do you get Visual Aids?
From a nasty poke in the eye.

 

••

Scientists have discovered what causes memory
loss in older people.
Uh, I forgot what the discovery was...Shit!

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥
I went to the movies the other night and sat in
an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a
little roomier.
Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde
from the center of the row got up and started
working her way out.
"Excuse me.
Sorry! Oops.
Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry.
Oops! Excuse me."
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look
around her and I was a little impatient, so I
said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
 "No!" she said in a loud whisper.
"The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please'
message just flashed up on the screen and
mine is out in the car."

 

••

There's a fine line between kinky and domestic
violence...it depends on which cheek you smack...

 

••

Gus called me from work today and was
complaining about stomach pains.
Going along with his story, I asked him what
he had eaten today.
He said, "About an hour ago I had 2 bacon
double cheese burgers, two large orders of fries,
a medium pepperoni pizza, two chocolate cakes
and a strawberry milkshake."
"I think I know what's wrong with you" I said.
"you're probably just hungry."

 

••

A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist.
"My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am so
hideous that no one will associate with me,
touch me, or even talk to me.
Can you help?"
"Why, certainly!
Helping people feel much better about
themselves is my area of expertise.
I can start making you feel more confident
about your appearance right here and now."
"Oh, I am so grateful!
What should I do first?" she asked.
"First things first.
Just walk over to the other side of the room and
lie face down on my couch."

 

••

Sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be
unbearable. 

 

••

To me, homosexuality is like math.
I mean I get that other people like it, I know it
exists, it's just that it hasn't been forced on me
since high school.

 

••

One thing that archaeological discoveries have
taught us.
Ancient people loved drinking from broken cups.

 

••

 Police Tip:
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to
go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw,
then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that!

 

••

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that
ricochets through the trees and into the next
fairway narrowly missing another golfer.
When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is
greeted by his unintended victim who angrily
tells him of the near miss.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore,"
says the first golfer.
"That's funny" replies the second, "you had
plenty of time to yell 'OH, SHIT!"

 

••

“I just saved a shitload of money on Christmas
presents by discussing my political views with
family......

 

••••

 

 

 

••

♥

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went
"a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence
of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of
five robberies and a kidnapping.
The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

 

•• 

Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a
redhead?
A: She unties you.

 

••

The woman at the supermarket checkout was
giving the clerk a hard time.
As her audience in the waiting line increased,
she became more abusive.
Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea
collar.
The checker asked the customer if she was
aware that the package had been opened.
"Of course," the woman snapped.
"I opened it.
You can't expect me to get it home and find out
it's the wrong size."
A voice from the line spoke for all of us:
"Wear it in good health."

 

••

All that stands in the way of Democratic
electoral success is a mildly competent
implementation of the health care policy.

 

••

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults
enjoy adultery?

 

••

Q: What do Kodak cameras have in common
with condoms?
A: Both capture the moment.

 

••

A University of Georgia student was visiting a
Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays.
He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed.
He was attempting to start up a conversation with
the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with
his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his
question.
"Yale," she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and
shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??" 

 

••

I found my "inner child" and put the brat up for
adoption.

 

••

There was an airplane full of a shipment of
Pepsi flying over Africa.
It suddenly had a malfunction and went down.
A few weeks later, Pepsi Co sent a rescue plane
out to look for the lost plane.
They found the wreckage but were unable to
locate the crew.
They searched the area and found a tribe of
cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe
and asked him if he knew anything about the
crash.
The Chief says,"Yeah". 
When asked where the crew was the Chief
replied, "We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi."
The Rescue crew was shocked.
One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we
drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we
drank the Pepsi".
After looking totally perplexed for a minute a
third added, "Did you...you know...eat their....
things"??
The chief says, "No."
"No?" asked the rescuers.
"NO", replied the Chief,
" THINGS go better with COKE!!!"

 

••

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of them pick themselves up and hurry
off as if nothing ever happened."
-Sir Winston Churchill

 

••

Looking for Love: "Heartthrob Fabio announced
he is looking for his dream woman."
"He says he wants someone who's funny,
secure, independent and has a good personality.
 You know what's really sad- the one woman in
Hollywood who fits those criteria is....
Ellen DeGeneres."

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

Did you know; Many dead animals in the past
changed to fossils while others preferred to
be oil.

 

••

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we
won't drown when we breathe.

 

••

Two drunk Irishmen are talking, and one says,
"When I die, I want you to pour that bottle of
whiskey, I've been saving, on my grave."
The second says "I"ll do that for you, but do you
mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"

 

••

My wife's cooking is so bad, the homeless gave it
back.

 

••

My wife said, "Can you imagine us 30 years from
now?"
I replied, "I can imagine seeing you and saying 'you
look a lot like my ex-wife'."
And life as he knew it, ended quickly and painfully.

 

••

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
How many can you afford?

 

••
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its
mind which way it wants to go.

 

••

Three old men went to see God.
The first old man, an American, asked God when
his country will come out of recession.
"100 years" God said.
The American started weeping profusely.
"I will not live to see that day".
The second man, a Russian asked God, "When will
my country become prosperous?"
"Fifty years" came the reply.
The Russian too started weeping profusely.
"I will not live to see that day".
Finally a Indian asked God, "When will my country
become corruption free?"
God started weeping profusely.
"I will not live to see that day!"

 

••

According to a new survey, women say they feel 
more comfortable undressing in front of men than
they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where,
of course, men are just grateful.

 

••

My 9 year old son walked in the house one
morning (he was supposed to be waiting on the
school bus) and told me he had seen the
funniest thing ever -
my dog's butt was 'frozen' to the neighbors
dog's butt. 
Poor child

 

••

I recently broke up with my girlfriend.
We just didnt have anything in common.
But when that happens, you have to try to
compromise.
I tried to compromise with her.
I remember one time I was like, Look, if you go
with me to my Lord of the Rings fan fiction meet
up group, Ill go with you to this ultrasound thing.

 

••

Being a community dairy farmer I have to work
well with udders..

 

••••