••

 

••

♥

 

 

Just a warning: I'm not giving any candy to a kid
who says "trick or twerk."

 

••

What part of a man't body should never move
when he is dancing?
His bowels.

 

••

One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist
fight.
You know how you know when you lost a fight
to your woman?
When the cops come to your house and ask you
do you want to press charges.
Thats how you know it didnt go as you planned.

 

•• 

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's
supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how
cold is it going to be?

 

••

"My body, by my own admission,"
I told him, "is in top condition."
I said with a snigger,
"I worship my figure."
Then he tried to embrace my religion.

 

••

Pundits say President Obama is starting to lose
support from his own party.
To give you an idea how bad it’s gotten, today
Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.

 

••

Michele's son was attending the  Cub Scout meeting. 
One of the other parents there asked what was
going to happen Thanksgiving week -- was there
going to be a meeting or not.
The Scout Leader replied, (no kidding), "We'll just
have to see what day Thanksgiving falls on this year.

 

••

Syrian President Assad told Fox News that if he
were ever to talk to President Obama he would tell
Obama to “listen to your people."
Is he the one to give advice about listening to his
people?
His people are shooting at him!

 

••

KIEV, Ukraine (Reuters) -- A Ukraine businessman
who bought a pager for each member of his staff as
a New Year gift was so alarmed when all 50 of
them went off at the same time that he drove his
car into a lamp post, a newspaper said on Thursday.
The unnamed businessman was returning from the
pager shop when the accident happened,
the Fakty daily reported.
"With no more than 100 meters to go to the office,
the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly burst out
screeching.
The businessman's fright was such that he simply
let go of the steering wheel and the the car ploughed
]into a lamp post."
After he had assessed the damage to the car, the
businessman turned his attention to the message
on the 50 pagers.
It read: "Congratulations on a successful purchase!

 

••

There's just no pleasin' some women at all.
Just the other day I was trying to read the paper
and naturally, my wife picked that moment to
begin a discussion.
I heard her say "...and then I went to see Dr. Gibbons."
I grunted a reply, and she raised her voice saying,
"Are you listening to me?"
I put the paper down and said, "Yes sweetheart,
I heard every word.
You said you went to see Dr. Gibbons.
So... how is he ???"
Would y'all believe she didn't talk to me the rest
of the evening ?
 Women ! Who can figure 'em out ?

 

•• 

In the Garden of Eden they dwelt;
And on his right knee, Adam knelt.
He said to his Eve
"Do you really love me?"
And that's when she answered, "Who else?"

              ••             
Now that the kids are grown and gone,
my wife sez she needs more "outside interests".
I thought I'd surprise her and presented her with a
brand new fancy lawn mower, just the other day.
Now, she's mad with me..........

 

••

My wife just came to the door in a sexy nitey.
Too bad she was just getting home....

 

••••

 

 

# 2110

••

 

••

♥

 

"Mom, I'm pregnant."

"How can that be? 
What did I tell you about sex?"
"That I should take measures. 
That's what I did! 
I took measures and then went with the biggest."

 

••

A gladiator was having a rough Monday at the

arena.
His opponent had sliced off both of his arms.
Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as
furiously as he could.
But when his opponent lopped off both of his feet,
the gladiator had no choice but to give up.
He was now both unarmed and defeated.

 

••

Since light travels faster than sound, is that

why some people appear bright until you hear
them speak?

 

••

Last month, about 8,000 Elvis Presley fans flocked

to Graceland to commemorate the 21st anniversary
of his death.
In a related item, viewership on the Home Shopping
Network was down 50% Saturday.

 

••

Was just reading an article on Heavy Drinking.

Scared the shit out of me...so that's it, after tonight,
no more reading!

 

••

If your wifes' cat ever brought A snake into the

house and she tried to shoot the garden snake
with a 357 Saturday night special...
Your wife might be A redneck...

 

••

Do you ever wonder... since when you receive an

item from ups and/or fedex the item you receive is
packed in foam, well...when you send foam to
someone or receive it what do they pack it in???

 

••

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who

"totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife,
accidentally jogged off of a 200-foot-high cliff on
his daily run.

 

••

Jenn says her husband worked with this guy at the

high school.
The guy wanted to measure the wall and he asked
Mike (my husband) for some assistance. 
Mike said, "why not use the yardstick over there?"
The guy looked at Mike and, very serious,
said, "I can't use that. 
The wall is longer than the yardstick."

 

••

Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?

A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

••••

 

 

•ºº•

 

••

♥

Betty, who was pursuing her MBA in Finance at
Harvard, had become too busy with her studies,
classes, projects and part-time job.
She realized how long she had been out of touch
with her parents when she received the following
e-mail from her mother:
"Dear Betty, your father and I enjoyed your last
e-mail.
Of course, we were much younger then, and more
impressionable...... Love, Mom."

 

••

Damn...did you see the size of that front tooth gap
she had?
Yeah...I didn't know wether to smile back or kick a
field goal!

 

••

Most all husbands can testify
To a wedding they cannot deny.
 'Cause they know where and when
They got married, but then,
What exactly escapes them is why.
            

    ••               
There was this man in a mental hospital.
All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen.
The doctor would watch this guy do this day after
day.
So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy
was listening to,
so he put his ear up to the wall and listened.
He heard nothing.
So he turned to the mental patient and said,
"I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know.
It's been like that for weeks...

 

••

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking
in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"
she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he
said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty
foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are
you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

 

••

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who
makes all their decisions.

 

••

Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old  and suffering
from a rare disease and could drink only human
milk.
"How can I get human milk?" Mendel asked the
doctor.
"Well, Ruby Finkelstein's just had a baby, maybe
she'll help."
So every day Mendel went to Ruby's house for his
daily feed.
Ruby was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in
spite of herself, gradually became aroused as
Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.
One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered
to him, " Tell me Mr. Rugelbaum, do you like it?"
"Mmmm, wonderful," he sighed.
"Is there....," she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes
aglow, "is there anything else you'd like?"
"As a matter of fact there is," murmured Mendel.
"What?" Ruby asked breathlessly.
Mendel licked his lips...... "Maybe a cookie?"

 

••

Some kids play Kick the can.
Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

 

••

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than
any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least
for a couple of years.

 

••

An old lady owned two monkeys.
One day they both died, so she took them to the
taxidermist.
"So you want them mounted?" asked the
taxidermist.
To which she replied: "No.
Holding hands will do just fine."

 

••••

 

 

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

As senior citizens, my wife and I support each
others memory, or lack of it. 
One night while sitting at the kitchen table
we were chatting about garden chores. 
It remended me of something I had to get from the
garage. 
When I got to the door, my mind went blank. 
I returned to the table a asked my wife what it
was I was going to get. 
She looked up at me with a curious stare and asked,
 "Just who in the hell are you?"

 

••

The Definition of a Fart;
The lonely cry of an imprisoned turd........

 

••

We've all heared that a million monkeys banging
on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce
the entire works of Shakespeare. 
Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not
true.
 

••
one liners.....
* Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take
them while driving.
* Having one child makes you a parent; having two
you are a referee.
* Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right and the other is the husband!
* You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
* Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do
not vote.
* Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting
before you get tired.

 

••

The breasts of a barmaid of Crale,
Were tattooed with the price of brown ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

 

••

President Obama is talking tough.
He said he will not rest until Syrian President
Assad's power has been reduced to the point
where he’s on "Dancing With the Stars."

 

••

What is the difference between a jew and a canoe?
A canoe tips.....

 

••

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered
from papers across the country.
*Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
*Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose
Hunters.
*Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based..
*Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store.
*Prostitutes Appeal to Pope.
*Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.
*Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice.
*Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
*Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin.

 

••

Lulu said...After my husband and I had a huge
argument, we ended up not talking to each other
for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of
his shirts was.
"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused,
"What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for
three days?" I challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting
along."  
 

••
What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
A Frosted Flake.

••  
Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
 Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
 Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost
the whole instrument panel!

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

What's Britney Spears' next career goal?
 To learn how to sing.

 

••

After years of psychotherapy, John no longer
believes he is a grain of wheat.
However, one day he and a friend came across a
chicken, and John was terrified.
"Why are you so afraid, you're not a grain
of wheat after all," his friend asked.
John replied, "You know it and I know it,
but the chicken doesn't know it."

 

••

What's a Jewish American Princess's idea of kinky
sex?
She moves.

 

••
What has four asses?
Eight half assed politicians.

 

••

There are two doctors staying in a hotel.
They both are frantic and worried men who are
pacing the hallway in the hotel lobby.
One turns to the other and says, "I'm a doctor and
I have a patient in my room with a wooden leg.
I have the leg apart and I can't get it back together!"
The other doctor says, "Good God, I wish that were
all I had to worry about!
I have a great looking girl in my room with both
legs apart, and I can't remember my room number!

 

••

Dermatologist: A doctor who makes
rash decisions.

 

••

What do West Virginians call a pretty woman?
A tourist.

 

••

The White House says President Obama will make
a speech on campaign finance reform today in
California,
"The exact time hasn't been announced.
Aides are still trying to fit it in between fund-raisers."

 

•• 

The Democratic National Committee finally
released thousands
of pages of financial disclosure information.
"Unfortunately, they released them from a
third-floor balcony in New York during the parade
for the Yankees."

 

••

I was going to cross the fence to see if the grass
was greener on the other side.
I learned a shocking lesson, the fence was electric.

 

••••