# 1930

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♥

I can't believe it.
I just saw on the news that a midget got pick pocketed in
broad daylight!!!
How could anyone stoop so low?

 

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A great tip....
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you
don't know..

 

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A man riding out in the bush fell from his **Horse** and
broke his leg.
He was a long way out, so the situation looked pretty grim.
Then the **Horse** grabbed the man's belt in his teeth and
dragged him to the shade of a nearby tree.
He made the man as comfortable as he could and then
galloped off to get help.
The man discussed the incident a few weeks later with a friend.
The friend was very, very, impressed and praised the
**Horse**'s intelligence.
"He's not so smart," said the animal's owner.
 "He came back with a vet."

 

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If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be. ~Yogi Berra

 

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The Marquis hops off his carriage and knocks on the door of
his manor.
His faithful domestique James opens the door, bows and
attentively says:
Please come in, you son of a bitch.
Where is it that your Excellency spent the afternoon looking
like the retarded transvestite bitch he is?
The Marquis smiles and answers:
-I went to get myself a hearing aid.

 

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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an
evening church service when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled,
"Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"
 The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.
The woman then calmly called the police and explained what
she had done.
 As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just
stand there?
All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
 "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had
an axe and two 38's!"

 

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Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car
phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to
your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and
mounting the curb.

 

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What' s the difference between baseball and politics? 
In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.

 

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Our young son made up his mind one day that he needed to
eat healthier breakfasts, so he chose oatmeal as his cereal of
choice.
But after eating his first bowl, he told his mother,
"I hope I develop a taste for this stuff.
It goes down real rough."
"Well," his mother asked, "Just how long did you cook it?"
"Are you supposed to cook it?" he asked.

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♥

My grandma has been married for 57 years.
So I opened the door to the room where she was sitting and
asked, “Grandma.
What is the key to everlasting love?”
She answered, “Shut the door! I’m trying to poop!”

 

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I may be Schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

 

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Answering Machine Message 17
I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order.
I am leaving a broken CD player in its place.
It can't take messages either.
In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait
to not leave a message.

 

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A drunk gets on the bus late one night, staggers up
the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says:
"I've got news for you.... You're going straight to hell!"
 The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts:
"Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

 

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Llama!
Llama who?
Llama Yankee Doodle Dandy..

 

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A blonde pushed her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

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Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their
35th anniversary.
During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them
 and grant them each one a wish.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and poof --
the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.
Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.
He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."
So the fairy picked up her wand and poof --
the husband was 90.

 

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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a
vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.

 

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An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, "Wife Name - Three Horse."
"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse.
What does it mean?"
"It's an old Indian name.

Means Nag, Nag, Nag."

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♥

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths" I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be" remorse the patient.

 

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I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of
worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.
Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in its mouth,
I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in
my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting
bit.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little
whiskey in its mouth.
Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp.
I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried
on fishing, using the frog.
Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot.
It was that damn snake ... with two more frogs.
Life is good in the South.

 

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I bought a plunger the other day.
You ever bought a plunger?
Its an embarrassing purchase.
At first, you think its no big deal.
 Stand in the line, swinging it.
And then you realize everybody knows;
you got a situation at home.
Nobody buys a plunger on a whim.

 

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Some people manage by the book, even though they
don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

 

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lisa!
Lisa who?
Lisa you can do is let me in......

 

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A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears
with an electric saw.
He calls out to a guy walking on the street below,
"Hey, do you see my ear down there?"
The guy on the street picks up an ear, "Is this it?"
"No," replies the construction worker,
"mine had a pencil behind it."

 

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“My friend was fired from his job at the road department for
stealing.
I have to say I saw it coming.
The last time I was at his house all the signs were there.”

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♥

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses
Big Ben and decide to have a contest.
They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the
stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.
The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears
his watch crash.
The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when
he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs,
goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and
catches his watch.
"How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow.

 

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"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.
She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all
hours of the night and more.
 She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet
cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much
time trying to change you."
 "I'm not bitter.
Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

 

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A farmer arrives home late on a cold, windy and moonless
night, covered in cowshit.
"George! Whatever happened?" cried his wife.
"Well, when we came out of the pub it was such a terrible
night I decided to take a short cut across the meadow.
On the way my beret blew off and I tried on three others
before I found mine".

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The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law
furious and packing his suitcase.
"What happened?"
"What happened? - I'll tell you what happened!
I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home
from my trip today.
I got home and guess what I found?... My wife, yes my Yvonne,
with a naked guy in our marital bed!
This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"
"Calm down!" says mother-in-law.
"There is something odd about this story.
Yvonne would never do such a thing!
Wait a minute while I check what happened."
Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"You see, I said there must be a simple explanation.
Yvonne didn't receive your Email."

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Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a
Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll
give you $100."
The one says to the other, "Should we do it?"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred
dollars... I'm gonna do it."
So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks
back out.
The friend says "Well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"
 

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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered
"Why, not for about twenty years -
when my husband was alive".

 

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Politicians and diapers.....
both should be changed frequently and for the same reason.

 

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I was playing golf in Ft. Myers, Florida this last December
when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I Miss Chicago"
So I broke a window, stole the stereo and rims, shot out two
of the tires
and left a note that said "I hope this helps."

 

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♥

 

This is America. It is my God given right to be loudly
opinionated about something I am completely ignorant of.

 

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Question: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Answer: A roamin' catholic.

 

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An old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting,
heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech.
Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to
the heckler and said,
"will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience
what he has ever done for the good of the city."
"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice.
"I voted against you in the last election."

 

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Little old lady!
Little old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel

 

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A game warden noticed how a guy named Sam always caught
more fish than anyone else.
The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret.
The successful fisherman invited the game warden to
accompany him and observe.
 So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in
Sam's boat.
When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat,
then took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, when the game warden recovered from the shock of it all,
he began yelling at Sam,
"You can't do this!..... I'll put you in jail!
You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
 Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick
of dynamite.
He lit it, tossed it in the lap of the game warden and said,
 "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you
going to fish?"

 

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Auto-correct has become my worst enema.

 

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George rushed to the hotel manager’s cabin and shouted,
“Help me, my wife is trying to jump from the fifth floor.”
The Manager replies: “It is your personal problem, sir.
What can I do in this matter?”
George bursts out, “Right, but the window is jammed!"

 

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What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked
potato?
Anything........ just butter him up.

 

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Q: Why are Women more pessimistic about the economy than
Men?
A: Because men are in charge of the economy!

 

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Okay, so a Texas rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine.
The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land
you think you got here?"
Mainer: "Bout 10 acres I'd say."
Texan (boasting): "Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive
completely around my property!"
Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."

 

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♥

A guy was driving down the highway with his blond girlfriend
when she said to him, 'I think those people in the car next to us
are from another country.
 'Why is that?' he said.
'Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, ...
'stit ruoy su wohs'.

 

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A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do.
When the check-up was complete, he said, "Now, Doc,
I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man.
"Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

 

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When the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris....

 

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A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows
him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few
drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute
little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Geez... oooh.... I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an
ashtray."

 

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I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children's iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good
product name.

 

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Now if you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go
through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw,
then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that!

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A Recent Sex Study.....
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for
married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.

 

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A blonde was playing Trivial Persuit one night, it was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
 Her question was, if you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?
 She thought for a time and then asked, "is it on or off?"

 

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What do you call three blondes sitting at a bar, singing,
drinking Tab, and eating apples?
The moron Tab & apple choir.

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