••

You woke me up for this??

There, I fixed the shower.....

 

••

♥

Why are you covered in bruises?
I started to walk through a revolving door and I
changed my mind!

 

••

When my wife gives me "the silent treatment,"
she thinks it's a punishment.

 

••

I woke up this morning at 8:oo, and could smell
something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on
the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked........ I didn’t know what to do.
Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast
until 10:30.

 

••

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her
father always paused and bowed his head for a
moment before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter
was so observant of his messages.
"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good
sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

 

••

jeopardy question....
It lays on it's back - a hundred feet in the air.
who is a dead centipede.

 

••

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new
bird dog.
His search ended when he found a dog that could
actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.
Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends
would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his,
a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with
him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.
They fired, and a duck fell.
The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked
across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting
more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single
word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend,
"Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend."
He can't swim.

 

••

What did the Asian janitor say when he jumped out
of the closet?
SUPPLIES!

 

••

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday
dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food
was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started
eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer."
said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do "his mother insisted.
"We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house....." Johnny explained.
"But this is Grandma's house and she knows how
to cook.

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and
announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than
any woman has ever loved any man!"
"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.
"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple
of sick days from work.
Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every
time the milkman and the post office guy came by,
she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and
hollering, 'My old man's home! My old man's home!'"

 

••

A sign posted in a Dentist's office said:
"Please be nice to our dentists.
They have fillings too."

 

••

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the
banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his
friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage
of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from
all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is
the best teacher of all.
It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness,
self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other
qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed
single."

 

••

“Two coin collectors got together for old dimes sake.”

 

••

Man: I lost my wife.
Inspector: What is her height?
Man: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Man: Not slim, can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of the eyes?
Man: Never noticedInspector: Colour of hair?
Man: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Man: dress/suit.
I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was somebody with her???
Man: Yes, my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a
golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, brown eyes,
blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is
slightly broken, wearing a golden belt studded with
blue balls, he likes non-veg. food, we eat together,
we jog together... And the man started crying....
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!

 

••

The drug dealer added sugar to his marijuana to
sweeten the pot.

 

••

During one "generation-gap" quarrel with his parents,
young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure,
money, and beautiful women.
I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving.
Don't try and stop me!"
With that, he headed toward the door.
His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try
and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father.
"If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

 

••

Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are
not random.
They are just the number of people Chuck Norris
 killed that given day.

 

••

Paddy says to Mick
"I found this pen, is it yours?"
Mick replies "Don't know, give it here"
He then tries it and says "Yes it is"
Paddy asks "How do you know?"
Mick replies, "That's my handwriting"

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

Three men were sentenced to be executed by
guillotine; a priest, a Muslim, and an engineer.
First was the priest and he asked that he face
upwards so he could look at Heaven and his Creator.
his wish was granted and the blade fell, but stopped
1/2 inch from his neck.
the executioner said since the guillotine spared him,
so was his life and he was allowed to leave.
Next was the Muslim and he asked that he also be
allowed to face upwards to look to Allah before his
death.
Again the guillotine stopped just short and his life
was spared as well.
The engineer was last and he too asked to face
upwards given what happened with the first two.
As he lay there, he looked up at the mechanism and
said, "Aha, i see the problem!".

 

••

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth
has a chance to get its pants on. ~Winston Churchill

 

••

I was eating Chinese today and started thinking...
Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with...
How the hell did two sticks win?

 

••

When a man marries a woman, they become one;
but the trouble starts when they try to decide which
one.

 

••

Two old guys talking.
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday

yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV!
What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

 

••

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked
with a tremor in his voice, ''Mommy, will you sleep
with me tonight?''
His mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
''I can't dear,'' she said.
''I have to sleep in daddy's room.''
A long silence was broken at last by his little voice.
''The big sissy.''

 

••

My motto:
pay the undertaker with a bad check.

 

••

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
No?
Works pretty good does'nt it?

••••

Homeless Robot....

 

 

••

Warm place to nap.....

 

••

♥

“I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil.
All our presents came from Amazon this year.”

 

••

My eye doctor told me this, Im not making this up.
He goes, You know you have one eye set a little bit
higher than your other eye?
No, I didnt know that.
He goes, Its no big deal; it doesnt affect your vision
or anything.
I just thought you might want to be self-conscious
for the rest of your life.

 

••

Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses
and rhinoceroses on their walls?
Because they couldn't spell their names!

 

••

My wife said, "Do you think I need a face lift?"
I said, "No, of course not......
Just a good ironing."

 

••

CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows
executives how to work.
CONSULTANT (or expert): Any ordinary guy more
that 50 miles from home or office.
CONSULTANT: someone who takes the watch off
your wrist and tells you the time.

 

••

I have a brother in law who put 4 car dealerships
he owned into bankruptcy.
For the last 15 years he's been a high paid consultant
showing car dealers how to run their businesses...

 

••

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor
told his anxious patient.
"You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for the next several
minutes.
Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his
physician that he had no medical insurance.
"I can't possibly pay you in that time."
"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

 

♦♦♦♦

 

 

••

 

••

♥

President Herbert Hoover was the first President to
give his salary back to the government.
Now the government would like everyone to do it.

 

••

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the
one to go wrong..

 

••

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a
middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter
methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts
spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to
the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out
one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

••
Whoever gossips to you; will also gossip about you.

 

••

A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf.

At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro,

Ross, politely asked them, 'How did your game go?'
The first said she had a good round with 25 riders.
The second said she did OK with 16 riders.
The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders.
The fourth was disappointed and said that she
played badly with only two riders.
 Ross was confounded by this term "rider" but not
wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish
them better golf the next time.
 He then approached Jimmy, the bartender, and
asked, 'Hey, Jimmy, can you tell me what does this
term "riders" mean?'
 Jimmy smiled as he explained to Ross that a "rider"
is when you hit a shot long enough to take a ride on
a golf cart.

 

••

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next bowel movement could spell disaster..

••
I was told that white wine sauce is perfect for fish.
That's bullshit, My Goldfish can hardly swim.

 

••

Maria and Stephanie were selected to play together
as partners in the Cams Hall Club tournament and
met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, Maria asked, 'What's your
handicap?'
'Oh, I'm a scratch golfer,' Stephanie replied.
'Really!' exclaimed Maria, suitably impressed that
she had been paired with Stephanie.
'Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch
out the bad ones,' responded Stephanie with a smile.
 

••
You hear about the race between two silk worms??
It resulted in a tie.

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper,
and a guy comes over and asks
"Are you reading that?"
I didn’t know what to say.
So I said yes.
I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again..

 

•• 

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus
through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led
them through the process of cheese making,
explaining that goat's milk was used.
 She showed the group a lovely hillside where many
goats were grazing.’
These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to
pasture when they no longer produce.'
 she then asked, 'What do you do in America with
your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered,
'They send us on bus tours!'

 

•• 

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting
one great education.....

 

••

There's a few guys who always get together on
Fridays after work for a drink...
One Friday, Rick showed up late, sat down at the bar,
and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp...
Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting
tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me
that she's going to cut me back to only two times a
week...
I can't believe it"...
At which point Bob put his hand on Rick's shoulder
and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad,
she's cut some guys out all together.

 

••

I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.
 After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes
and climbed under the quilt.
 "You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered,
 "My mum & dad are asleep."
 "I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your
own bed?"

 

••

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three
very hefty women talking at the bar.
 Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached
and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from
Scotland ?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales,
Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry.
Are you three whales from Scotland ?"
And that's the last thing I remember..........

 

••

I can drive a woman wild with my tongue.
It's pretty easy.
All you do is say, "Have you put on weight?"
Then RUN....

 

••

drunken man walked up to a parking meter

 and puts in some change.

The meter goes up to sixty and he says,

"Hey, I lost 100 pounds!"

 

••
I failed my driver’s test.
The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?"
I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…

 

••ºº••