••

••

♥

 

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus.
Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,Canada....

 

••

Jennifer sprang to answer the telephone.
"Darling, How are you? This is Mummy."
"Oh Mummy," Jennifer said crying, "I'm having a
bad day.
The baby won't eat and the washing machine won't
work.
I've sprained my ankle and I'm hobbling around.
On top of all this, the house is a mess and I'm
supposed to have the Andersons and the Nicholsons
for dinner tonight.
I haven't even had a chance to go shopping."
The voice on the other end said in sympathy,
"Darling, let Mummy handle it.
Sit down, relax and close your eyes.
I'll be over in half an hour.
I'll do your shopping, tidy up the house and cook
your dinner.
I'll feed the baby and I'll call an engineer I know
who'll fix your washing machine.
Now stop crying.
I'll even call your husband Wayne at the office and
tell him he should come home to help out for once."
"Wayne?" said Jennifer. "Who's Wayne?"
"Why, Wayne's your husband....
Is this 0208 123 3749?"
"No, this is 0208 123 3747."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialed the wrong number."
There was a short pause, then Jennifer said,
"Does this mean you're not coming over?"

 

••

He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows
everything.
That points clearly to a political career.

 

••

Yesterday's a Memory..
Tomorrow's a Dream..
Today's a Bitch..

 

••

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know,
let's Yahoo! it..."
Just saying...
Sincerely, Google..

 

••

A study published in "Neurology" says people who
snore are more prone to getting headaches.
No reason is given.
But could it be on account of their spouses hitting
them in the head all night long trying to get them to
stop snoring?

 

••

In the 60's I sent for a do-it-yourself bomb shelter kit.
They sent me a shovel.

 

••

A man is on trial for armed robbery.
The jury comes back with the verdict.
The foreman stands, clears his throat,
and announces, "Not guilty."
The defendant leaps to his feet.
"Awesome!" he shouts.
"Does that mean I get to keep the money?"

 

••

Streakers *repant* your end is in sight.

 

••

 

 

••

Butter or no butter,, Eat them...

Looking for waffles......

••

♥

A prominent surgeon, who was a member of
operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and
Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would operate
in the morning, then field calls about his patients in
the evening.
One night, a few dinner guests were quite shocked
as the good doctor was on the phone talking to a
resident at Christ Hospital, when the other phone
rang.
His wife answered, then whispered to her husband,
"It's St. Francis calling."
He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call
back........ I'm talking to Christ."

 

••

Apparently, I offended my optician last week.
She saw me out in town and waved at me,
but I didn't notice her.
Well, whose fault is that?

 

••

For Sale.....
"Nice 2-bedroom home.
The owner has noted that there are termites that
have done some damage.
Selling house 'as is.'
Don't Wait.
This Wonderful Property Will Not Last Long."

 

••

Useless knowledge:
Crocodile eggs that are incubated below 850
Fahrenheit (29.50 Celsius) hatch into females,
while those incubated above 950 Fahrenheit
(350 Celsius) hatch into males.

 

••

"People ask me where all my money went,
I tell them half of it I spent on gambling,
fast women and liquor, the other half I wasted!"
 - W.C.

 

••

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world...
I'll probably leave a stain.

 

••

"Terrible day," said the Great Dane as he complained
to his master.
"Work was bad, but then I got on the bus and it was
completely packed with small dogs."
"Well," replied the master, "that's what you get for
riding during peke hours."

 

••

The children were gathered on the front pew one
Sunday morning for the Children's Sermon.
The minister asked, "Does anyone know what the
resurrection is?"
 One little boy blurted out, "I'm not quite sure but I
do know that if you have a resurrection that lasts
longer than four hours, you have to see a doctor."
 It took about ten minutes for the congregation
to settle down enough to continue with the worship
service.
••••

 

 

 

••

♥

What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
A FRISBEE!

 

••

Everybody likes to blame America for everything.
What are we, only 233 years old?
These other countries are thousands of years old.
Not only did they not get it right, but a lot of times
they screw up and ask us for help.
Thats like a 90-year-old man asking a two-year-old
for advice.

 

••

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that
roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick
someone.
This has been recorded by historians as the worst
mistake anyone has ever made..

 

••

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy..

 

••

When You Lost a Fight to Your Woman One time,
she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight.
You know how you know when you lost a fight to
your woman?
When the cops come to your house and ask you do
you want to press charges.
Thats how you know it didnt go as you planned.....

 

••

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the
Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40...

 

••

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the
Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at
least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the
Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns
that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when
the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through
the field.
He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look,
"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

 

••••

 

••

••
♥
Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing
hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife --
she hasn't spoken to me in over two months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer.
Then, thoughtfully says, "You better think it over
women like that are hard to find."

••
Two crabs were sunbathing on the beach.
The girl crab suggested that the boy crab go get
them an ice cream cone.
Having purchased two cones, Mr. Crab made his
way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat
his ice cream.
By the time he had finished the ice cream,
he realized that his girlfriend's had started to melt
all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up
eating hers too.
When he arrived back at the beach Ms. Crab
exclaimed "Where's my ice cream cone?
"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours
melted so I ate that too."
She was incensed and cried "You shellfish bastard!!"

••
My wife complains her clothes are so old,
they were made in America.

••
New Year resolution......
2005: I will get my weight down below 180.
2006: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get
below 200.
2008: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about
my weight.
2009: I will work out 5 days a week.
2010: I will work out 3 days a week.
2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once
a week.

••
Laura and Nancy were chatting at the coffee-shop.
Laura: "I had a toothache, so I went to the dentist
this morning."
Nancy: "Does your tooth still hurt?"
Laura: "I have no idea - the dentist kept it."

••
UselesslessKnowledge:
If laid out in a straight line, the average adult’s
blood vessels would be nearly 60,000 miles long--
enough to circle Earth 2 times.
The heart pumps blood through this labyrinth and
back again once every minute.

••
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods
in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out
Soon.

••
Q: What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman
have in common?
A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense!

••••

••

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••

••

••
♥
I don't even have a clue as to where to find a
pregnancy test.
I'm looking at all the aisles -- they don't have one
that says oops.

••
As a pre-med student at Washington University in
St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics.
One day our professor was discussing a particularly
complicated concept.
A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we
have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives."
The professor responded quickly and continued the
lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
"So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical
school," replied the professor

••
Regular naps prevent old age.....
especially if you take them whilst driving.

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors
were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great
for us!
We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that!
We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even
better than that!
We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

••
A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early
enough not to upset his wife for drinking after work.
He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.
Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender
the story,
"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"
"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and
hitailed it back here!
Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure,
I got time for a couple more beers."

••
Bob was so drunk last night at the bar,
That as he walked across the dance floor to get
another drink...
He won the dance competition...

••
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel
bites your cheek, that's a moray!


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••
♥
Q: what is the blonde doing when she holds her
hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold onto a thought.

••
I think the government made Facebook in an
attempt to make privacy uncool.
Think about that.
I think thats true cause they dont have to tap our
phones or survey us when we just yield to them
everything, just on our own free will.
Home address?
Its a little weird, OK. Phone number? Call me.
Photos? Photos of everyone I know?
Here, let me tag those for you.

••
The new Ensign was trying to impress everybody
with what he'd learned in Submarine School when
the Master Chief cut him off.
"Listen, Sir, it's simple," he said.
"Add the number of times we dive to the number of
times we surface.
Then divide by two.
If it doesn't come out even,
DON'T OPEN THE HATCH!"

••
After watching 'Night of the Living Dead' at my
girlfriend's, I was on edge waiting for the bus.
I completely freaked out when suddenly a zombie
staggered toward me.
Picking up the first thing I could find, I smashed it
across his head and ran home.
Fearing the end of the world, I turned on the news
to hear the reporter say, "A man with Cerebral Palsy
was attacked tonight at a bus stop by a man wielding
a traffic cone.
Police are asking for witnesses."

••
Bubba explained to the police officer why his
cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time
drinking, when my cousin Jed picked up his
shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go a
huntin'?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said,
"I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'

••
There's only four things you need to know to be
a plumber:
1. Shit rolls down hill.
2. Don't forget to bill the customer.
3. Payday is Friday.
4. Don't chew your finger nails unless you have
some very good oyster crackers.

••
"Be Yourself" Is About The Worst Advise You Can
Give To Some People.

••
On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on
their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps
and on every step he was going to tell them a joke.
If they laughed they would not be able to get to
heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed
even before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told
the joke yet"
The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

••
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

••••