••

 

••

♥

 

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married
and about to have a baby.
One day, the wife started having contractions, so the
husband rushed her to the hospital.
He held her hand as she went through a trying birth.
In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said,
"All right, who's the other father?"

 

••

Veronica and Deborah decided to split a can of Diet
Pepsi.
Veronica opened the can, and poured half the
contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's
glass.
Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the
nutritional information on the side.
 "Only one calorie per can," she read aloud.
 "Hmm," murmured Deborah. "I wonder which glass
has the calorie?"

 

••

Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone,
he kills two stones with one bird.

Friend of mine was researching his family tree the
other day, it turns out its a cactus and they are all
pr**ks !

 

••

I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads:
"Sorry, the world was supposed to end so I didn't
get you anything...
Blame the Mayans!"

 

••

I grew up with six brothers.
That's how I learned to dance -
waiting for the bathroom.  ~Bob Hope

 

••

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

 

••

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog'
is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

 

••

You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
You can get arrested for expired tags on your car
but not for being in the country illegally.

••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

We make our friends; we make our enemies;
but God makes our next-door neighbour.

 

••

always find a reason to laugh.
It may not add years to your life, but it will surely
add life to your years.

••
Mrs. Smith was a hypochondriac.
Dr. Jones was fed up with her constant complaints
about non-existent illnesses, so he started palming
her off with a mild sedative to keep her happy.
One day she complained about chest pains and the
doctor prescribed his usual treatment.
This time however, the pain was real and Mrs. Smith
died of a heart attack.
On hearing of her death, Dr. Jones was so upset he
died of shock.
Mrs. Smith and Dr. Jones were buried next to each
other in the cemetery.
The next morning, Dr. Jones heard a tapping on his
coffin, followed by a voice saying,
"Dr. Jones, this is Mrs. Smith. Do you have anything
for worms?"

 

••

My friend swallowed a cordless vacuum cleaner,
they took him to hospital and he is picking up nicely.

 

••

I bought a pint of  Häagen-Dazs ice cream at the
supermarket.
As the cashier rang it up, I asked, “How do you
pronounce that?”
 Speaking slowly and distinctly, he said,
“Four dollars and seventy-nine cents.”

 

••

A wise man once said ...... go ask a woman....

 

••

Has this ever happened to you?
I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru.
There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the
pay window.
“We’re still serving breakfast.
And you have to order at the speaker,” the clerk
scolded.
 I drove all the way around the building to the
squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “we are now serving lunch.”

 

••

I was watching a documentary on narcolepsy.
I missed the end because I fell asleep....

 

••

 

 

••

 

☺☺

♥

Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of the
human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's
 pocket.

 

••

Male Rat Experiment.....
The professor showed a large cage with a

male rat in it.
The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side
and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
Then, the professor changed the cake and kept some
bread.
The male rat ran towards the bread.
 This experiment went on with the professor changing
the food every time.
And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food
item and never towards the female rat.
Professor said: This experiment shows that food is
the greatest strength and attraction.
 Then, one of the students from the back row said:
"Sir, why don't you change the female rat?
She may be his wife!

 

••
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of
the United States Senate And House of Representatives.
It will be named the "Congressman."
It doesn't work and you can't fire it.

 

••

I once wanted to become an atheist,
but I gave up - they have no holidays.

 

••

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly,
do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good
cook.

 

••

Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer. ~Will Rogers

 

••

Q: What is a duck's favorite TV show?
 A: The feather forecast!

 

••

A fat, ugly, cross-eyed, girl came dancing up next to
me at a party.
"So, where are you from, handsome?" she smiled.
I said, "Earth, what about you?"

 

••

The last place you'll find powder....is the powder
room.
Such wild illogic is to be expected from women.

 

••

Passenger to air hostess:
What's your name honey?
Air hostess: Mercedes, Sir.
Passenger: Lovely name. Any relation with
Mercedes-Benz?
Air hostess: Yes sir... Same price!

 

••••

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

 

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger
women who are interested in them?
 A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

 

☺☺

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the
elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

 

☺☺

Most Americans think Santa is a Democrat...
According 2 a new poll, most Americans think Santa
is a Democrat.
Which is odd, because when I think of a fat old white
man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican :)

 

☺☺

My wife was screaming at me........
"Leave! Get out of this house!"
As I was walking out the door she yelled,
"I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied "So now
you want me to stay?"

 

☺☺

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!

 

☺☺

A young woman was walking in the park one day
when she came across a frog.
She picked it up and decided to take it home with her.
Later that night, she kissed it, and put it under her
pillow and the next morning when she awoke,
the frog was gone and there was a handsome young
man sleeping beside her!
She could not believe it!
Given the screaming and yelling a bit later,
apparently neither did her mother and father!

 

☺☺

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals
- a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were
deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their
wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed
would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed -
with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly
grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later,
each of the grooms buddies received the following
note:
"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being
sawed.
The electric shock was only a minor setback.
But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill
whoever put local anesthesia in the condom!"

 

☺☺

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet
parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

 

☺☺

As the storm raged, the captain realized his
ship was sinking fast.
He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I
know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while
the rest of us put on our life jackets -
we're one short."

☺☺

☺

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

Useless Knowledge....

Britney Spears take note: it’s all downhill after 20,
when your brain reaches its maximum weight of
about 3 pounds.
Over the next 60 years, as billions of nerve cells die
within the brain, it loses about 3 ounces.
The brain begins to lose cells at a rate of 50,000 per
day by the age of 30.

☺☺

 "I'm ashamed of you,"the mother said.

"Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to
do!"
"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said.
"So I threw one at him."
The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a
rock at you, you should have come to me."
 The boy replied, "What good would that have done?
My aim is way better than yours."

☺☺

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when

you start getting clothes for Christmas.

☺☺
We’d finally built our dream home, but the
contractor had a concern: the placement of an
atrium window for our walk-in shower.
"I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view
of you au naturel," he said.
My middle-aged wife put him at ease.
"Don’t worry," she said.... "They’ll only look once."

☺☺

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law

and Order are trademarked names for his left and
right legs.

☺☺

The International Olympic Committee has stripped

India of its right to participate in the games.
In response, India said.........
"Fine, just try logging on to your computers now."

☺☺

Two surgeons met at a party.

A: “So what is your specialty?”
B: “My specialty is cosmetic surgery.
You know, a snip here, a cut there, a fold here,
a tuck there and Bob’s your uncle.
How about you?”
 A: “I specialize in sex change operations.
You know, a snip here, a cut there, a fold here,
a tuck there and Bob’s your aunt.”

☺☺

Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top

of an outhouse?
Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered
"No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"

☺☺

Free puppy.....

half shitzu and half bulldog....It's a bullshitz.

☺☺☺☺

#1838

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson
that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to
sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every
morning.
 The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the
age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren,
35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the
wall of the crematorium.

 

••

fantasy roleplay...
last week I indulged my wife's sexual fantasy.....
She dressed up as a cheerleader, and I played a guy
who was interested in what she had to say......

 

••

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped
down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

 

••

A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with
a girl named Clearly.
Suddenly, Lorraine died.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings,
"I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

 

••

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over
experience. ~Oscar Wilde~

 

••

My memory is going....
Somebody was telling me earlier about the Mayan
Calendar and an event predicted to happen on the
21st of December 2012, but I can't remember what
it was.
Oh well, it's not the end of the world.

 

••

A man walks into a crowded bar pointing a gun
around.
"Which one of you bastards has been sleeping with
my wife?" He shouts.
A voice from the back of the bar replies.
"I don't think you brought enough ammo."

 

••

I love football, my wife just doesn't get it.
She told me this morning that I put football before
our marriage.
"Bullcrap," I replied.
"It's our third season together."

 

••

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is
dressed in overalls, and looks like work"
-- Thomas A. Edison

 

••

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water
over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer completely dead now."

 

••

A man phones the hospital and says, "Help,
my wife is in labour!"
The nurse says, "Calm down, is this her first child?"
The man replies, "No...... This is her husband."

A traveling salesman..... gathers up all the residents
in a retirement community to give them the pitch.
He starts: "What I have here is the finest hearing aid
in existence.
It is state of the art.

Computer designed, laser driven.

Engineers from 7 countries developed this hearing aid

to replace and far surpass anything else on today's market.

 It is truly the last hearing aid you will ever need."
A man stands up in the back of the room and asks
"well what kind is it?"
The salesman looks at his watch and replies
"It's a quarter till five."

••