☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

The fire dept has told us to stop letting the monkeys
cook their own food at the zoo.
After three chimp pan fires in one week.

 

☺☺

Reggie: We have got a new dog.
Would you like to come around and play with him?
Ron: Well, I don't know---does he bite?
Reggie: That's what I want to find out.

 

☺☺

A husband was abducted by aliens one day, and the
alien said: "Take me to your leader" and the husband
said: "Sorry my wife isn't home."

 

☺☺

Just had some strobe lights fitted in the bedroom.
The sex is the same, but the wife looks like she's
moving now!

 

☺☺

 Mike bought a piano for Jane on her birthday.
After a few days, Mike's friend inquired with him
how Jane was doing with the piano.
"Well," said Mike, "I persuaded her to switch to a
clarinet."
"Why is that?" asked the friend.
Mike answered, "that's because with a clarinet, she
cannot sing."

 

☺☺

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure
that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange
men whose only objective is to make a hole in one
with you...

 

☺☺

I always have trouble remembering three things:
faces, names, and—I can’t remember what the third
thing is.

 

☺☺

If you want someone to listen to you,
start the conversation with "I shouldn't be telling you
this..."

 

☺☺

 

 

♣♣

 

••

♥

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

••

Two old dudes are sunning themselves in their
rockers on the front porch of the rest home.
One of them says, "You know, I think it's time,
Dude..."
 "Time for what?" interrupts the other.
"Time for us to start calling each other by our real
names instead of "Dude" all the time."
 The other guy agrees.
They sit quietly for several minutes, obviously deep
in thought.
 The first guy says, "Got anything yet?"
The other guy says, " I think one of us is named Gus...."

 

••

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

 

••

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

 

•• 

SIGNS YOU ARE OVERDOING THANKSGIVING..
* Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out
of the LAZ-Boy!
* The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real
12' boat!
* You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your
e-mail
* Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on
your morning jog.
* Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only
yielded gravy.
* That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering
wheel burn.
* Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame
called twice.

 

••

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute
you wake up in the morning you’re on the job...

 

••

When a newly married man looks happy, we know
why.
But, when a 10-year married man looks happy,
we wonder why.....

 

••

One good thing about Alzheimers,
you get to meet new people everyday.

 

••

Yesterday Barack Obama looked especially good.
He looked relaxed and ready to lead, so he took
questions from the press for 20 minutes then
finished up with a few Al Green songs.

 

••

 

 

Mr. Cool...

 

••

♥

Just remember this on Thanksgiving Day:
Families are like fudge -- mostly sweet, with a few
nuts.

 

•• 

Senior Campbell's soup -
New Large Type Alphabet Soup.

 

••

Useless Knowledge;
Cats, not dogs, are now the most common pets in
America.
Approximately 66 million cats to 58 million dogs are
family pets, with parakeets flying a distant third at
14 million.

 

••

A Bad Day ..
I went to a freak show..........
and they let me in for nothing.

 

••

After suffering through years of his wife’s awful
coffee, the man spit it out and took the coffee maker
to his lawyer.
Dropping it on the attorney’s desk, the man snarl,
"Here they are!”
 “Here are what?” the startled lawyer asked.
“Grounds for divorce.”

 

••

Support BINGO! Keep Grandma off the streets.

 

••

My friend reviewed her young son's fill-in-the-blank
homework.
 One line: "At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.
" His response: "Receipts."

 

••

A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row
boat, rowing towards California.
The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts,
"Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"
One of the Mexicans stands up and shouts,
"We are invading the United States!"
The crew of the destroyer all start laughing and
when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back
on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of
you?"
The Mexican stands up again and shouts,
"No, we're the last four, the rest are already there!"

••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

Money is like manure.
You have to spread it around or it smells.
-Jean Paul Getty

 

••

Thanksgiving-Themed Movies......
14. To Kill A Walking Bird
13. My Best Friend's Dressing
12. The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
11. Casserolablanca
10. The Fabulous Baster Boys
9. 12 Hungry Men
8. Silence of the Yams
7. For Love of The Game Hen
6. I Know What You Ate Last Winter
5. All the President's Menu
4. White Meat Can't Jump
3. When Harry Met Salad
2. The Story of U.S.
and the Number 1 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed
Movie...
1. The Wing and I

 

••

Times are tough.....
I just got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

 

••

This morning, my wife told my 3 year old daughter
that owls were nocturnal.
My daughter responded "Yes, owls are not turtles."

 

••

The economy is so bad, MSNBC had to lay off 300
Obama spokesmen.

 

••

During my physical yesterday, my doctor asked me
about my daily activity level,
and so I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday morning, I waded along the edge
of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in
a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand,
and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be
some outdoors man!"
 "No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."

 

••

No one knew she had a dental implant until it
came out in a conversation.

 

••

A Year 5 teacher was giving her Primary pupils a
lesson in developing logical thinking.
"This is the scene," said the teacher.
"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a
river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and
begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim,
and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked,
"To draw out all his savings?"

 

••

 

 

 

••

♥

"Never judge a man's prowess by the size of his
duck call." - Duck Commander

 

••

So Flex rang up the police station and inquired:
'I believe you've caught the burglar who broke into
our house last night?'
'Indeed we have,' said the desk sergeant.
'Well,' said Flex, ' Do me a great favor could you ask
him how he got in without waking the wife?'

 

••

A Jewish curse: May all your teeth fall out -
except one, so you can have a toothache.

 

••

"You're not very good at hiding it are you?"
My wife asked.
 "Hiding what, love?" I replied
 "The fact that you're sleeping with that slag next
door," she shouted.
 "What the hell gives you that idea?" I said.
"Well, for a start, that's her coat on the sofa
downstairs and I can see her damn feet behind that
curtain."

 

••

A Jewish Curse: May your blood turn to whiskey,
so that a hundred bedbugs get drunk on it and dance
the mazurka in your belly button.

 

••

There they were - the pearly gates.
And outside hung a notice over the left side saying:
'Men who have been dominated by their wives line up
here'.
Under the notice there was a line of men stretching
almost to eternity.
Over the right side a notice read: 'Men who have not
been dominated by their wives line up here.'
Under the notice stood Casey - all alone!
Along came Saint Peter, who said:
'Why are you standing here?'
To which Casey replied, 'The wife sent me!'

 

••

"Making a speech on economics is a bit like pissing
down your leg.
It seems hot to you but never to anyone else."
~ Lyndon B Johnson ~

 

••

"Marriage is a wonderful institution.
But who wants to live in an institution?"
~ Groucho Marx ~

 

••

I  was woken up the other morning with a bad
hangover my neighbor was mowing his lawn at 6am,
my first thought was to strangle the damn noisy
bugger, then I thought nah...  he will just have to
mow around me.

 

••

••

 

••

♥

Answering Machine Message 109....
Hello, this is the Brown residence.
We're in the middle of a family fight right now.
Leave your name and number at the beep and
whoever wins will call you right back.

 

••

My doctor gave me some anti-gloating cream.
I can't stop rubbing it in.

 

••

The circus strongman had a brief affair with the
contortionist, but she broke it off.

 

••

My wife said to me, "Do you have a good memory for
faces?"
I replied, "I guess so......  Why?"
"I just broke your shaving mirror," she said.

••
''I watched that film about the Elephant man earlier''
''Really?.... Was John Hurt in that one?''
''No, I think he was OK''

 

••

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death.
He wins fair and square...

 

••

The boss called me and my friend into the office -
furious, he was.
"You two", he roared, "You drove into the storage bay,
straight into all those boxes, knocked them flying,
then you both jumped out, rolled all over the ground,
pointing imaginary guns at people, and shouting
"Let's go, let's go!"
What the hell's the matter with you?"
"Well" I said, "We're only doing what you said.
You told us to start acting like Professionals!"

••
Cop stops a drunk pulling a chain down the freeway..
"Hey buddy why are you pulling a chain down the
freeway"?
Drunk looks at him and says "you ever try to push
one"..

 

••

My doctor told me I'm color blind.
What a shock that was - came right out of the orange!
 At least I can still enjoy music - Green Floyd,
The Moody Pinks and Deep Yellow.
All together now: "We all live in a purple submarine,
a purple submarine, a purple submarine.........."

 

••

I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I buy Dollar Value toilet rolls.

 

••

I passed my neighbour the other day and couldn't
help notice that he was putting stuff on his lawn.
Curious, I asked;
"What's that your putting on your lawn Dave?"
 He said "it's to keep the UFO and aliens away"
 I said "we don't get UFO's and Aliens here mate"
 "Fantastic stuff isn't it" he said.

 

••

 

 

••

♥

Useless Knowledge....
In Peking, during the Middle Ages, one took revenge
against one’s enemies by placing finely chopped tiger
whiskers in their food.
The whisker barbs would get caught in the victim’s
digestive tract and cause sores and infections.
Not even the earliest forms of Pepto Bismal helped!

 

••

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light,
but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait
until Thursday to be connected.

 

••

I love Christmas.
I love putting on the costume, sneaking into the kids
room and whispering Ho-Ho-Ho!
Although they don't seem to love it so much when
they wake up rubbing their eyes.
To see the Jolly Green Giant standing over them.

 

••

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and
got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends
over there."

 

••

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a
tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a
large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left
them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started
to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary can't believe it!
 He said, "What's wrong with you?
We're being boiled alive!
They're gonna eat us!
What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"

 

••

To avoid disappointment never ever put your faith
in any politician or political party.

 

••

A man walks into a bar one day and asks,
"Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"
"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up.
"What about it?"
"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."
"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says,
disbelievingly.
"How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

 

••

Going bald at a young age can be tough,
but you don't have to do it alone.
I just found this really strong support group called
"skinheads".
 

••