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  ♥

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things
to talk about.
Today he commented on how well-made the road was.
I agreed.

••
I love the compliments my boss gives like "wow you're
on time today" and "great job ignoring dress code again".

••
"Alcohol doesn't affect me"
*Wakes up with cornrows, a light saber and two
taxidermy lizards*

••
The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists
angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his
pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner.
"You said this watch would last me a lifetime," he yelled.
"Yeah," admitted the owner.
"But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."

••
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE.....
Thanks.

••
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*

••
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and
appear wealthy.
Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

••
Remember that someone out there is thinking of you
right now, figuring out how to make your death look
like an accident.

••
 
Police suspected that a Manx cat was responsible for a
series of break-ins at a hen house, so they put a tail on him.

••
 At the cat Oscars, Fluffy won nine Lifetime Achievement
Awards.

••
What does the 1286BC inscribed on the mummy's tomb
indicate?
The registration of the car that ran him over!


••••

☺☺

 

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♥

 

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

 

••

"I" before "E", except after "C". That's an efficient rule.
Very efficient.
Yep...efficient.......

••
What did the cat do after eating cheese?
It waited by a mouse hole with baited breath.

•• 
Apparently nine out of ten single women who sit at home
and have conversations with their cats are mentally
disturbed.
My dog's full of useful information like that.

 

••

If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out,
how many are left?
None, they were all copycats!

 

••

I never realized how short a month is until I started
paying rent...
 

••
I went to my doctor and asked to be tested for HIV.
He asked me why I felt I needed to be tested at my age.
I said: "I'm sure I heard on the news that a man should
be tested after annual sex."

 

••

Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries.
 Me:
 *goes home*
 *puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box*
 *eats 12 donuts*

 

••

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED

 

•• 

Lucy plans elaborate jewel heist.
Lucy dons cat burglar suit to conceal identity.
Lucy pulls off heist.
Lucy in disguise with diamonds.

 

••

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite story...
about how beauty is only skin deep and that what’s really
important is that you're rich and live in a giant castle.

 

••

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
"I don't know...let's see who he loves the most"
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
"Nope"

••••

 

 

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♥

 

If you took the Facebook IQ Test…
and it determined that you’re a Genius, the fact that you
participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

 

••

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*

••
Points To Ponder!
At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?
Do they have the word 'dictionary' in the dictionary?
Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

 

•• 

 [Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is... Grease.
Me: Grease is the word?
Judge: Yes.
Grease is the word that you heard....

 

••

"We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs
new shoes"
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window]
This is gonna bankrupt us Susan..

•• 
A girl at bus top spotted a handsome man and without
hesitation she told him "I love you!"
Man placed his hand on her head, "This love and
infatuation all are nothing.
Go back to your home and study hard so that you can
lead a successful life."
Man then placed a piece of paper in her hand,
"I have written some wisdom for you,

read before you sleep...." and went away.
Girl went back to her house with tears and before sleeping
she opens the paper.
"Are you blind? my wife was standing behind me.....
anyways this is my number call me anytime.
By the way I love you too!"
Men Will Be Men!!!

 

••

It's actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators
apart.
One will see you later and one will see you after a while.....

 

••

I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because
no one knew this level existed.

 

••

A blonde phoned a retail pharmacy to talk about her
prescription.
She said to the pharmacist, "My doctor ordered this
prescription for me.
Your store filled it and gave me a bottle with 100 capsules
in it about two weeks ago.
I'm supposed to take one capsule every six hours and
I've been doing that.
This little packet came out of the bottle while I was getting
my capsule once.
The packet said 'Do not eat' on it...
That was four days ago, and I'm really hungry!"

 

••

Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half
an hour while he helped us look.

 

••

You know what I hate about NASCAR..?
All those hairy bellies sticking out of the bottom of
too small Dale Jr. T-shirts....
swilling Budweiser... spewing expletives...dirty Wranglers.....
greasy hair under dirty Quaker State caps...
and that's just the women !!

 

••••

 

 

 

# 2990

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

 

If you took the Facebook IQ Test…
and it determined that you’re a Genius, the fact that you
participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

 

••

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*

••
Points To Ponder!
At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?

 

Do they have the word 'dictionary' in the dictionary?

 

••
Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

 

••
Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

 

••

 [Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is... Grease.
Me: Grease is the word?
Judge: Yes.
Grease is the word that you heard....

 

••

"We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs
new shoes"
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window]
This is gonna bankrupt us Susan..
 

••
A girl at bus top spotted a handsome man and without
hesitation she told him "I love you!"
Man placed his hand on her head, "This love and
infatuation all are nothing.
Go back to your home and study hard so that you can
lead a successful life."
Man then placed a piece of paper in her hand,
"I have written some wisdom for you, read before you sleep...." and went away.
Girl went back to her house with tears and before sleeping
she opens the paper.
"Are you blind? my wife was standing behind me.....
anyways this is my number call me anytime.
By the way I love you too!"
Men Will Be Men!!!

 

••

It's actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators
apart.
One will see you later and one will see you after a while.....

 

••

I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because
no one knew this level existed.

 

••

A blonde phoned a retail pharmacy to talk about her
prescription.
She said to the pharmacist, "My doctor ordered this
prescription for me.
Your store filled it and gave me a bottle with 100 capsules
in it about two weeks ago.
I'm supposed to take one capsule every six hours and
I've been doing that.
This little packet came out of the bottle while I was getting
my capsule once.
The packet said 'Do not eat' on it...
That was four days ago, and I'm really hungry!"

 

••

Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half
an hour while he helped us look.

 

••

You know what I hate about NASCAR..?
All those hairy bellies sticking out of the bottom of
too small Dale Jr. T-shirts....
swilling Budweiser... spewing expletives...dirty Wranglers.....
greasy hair under dirty Quaker State caps...
and that's just the women !!

 

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

 

If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they'd have to call the
offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.

 

••

My "don't make love to Victoria's Secret models" resolution
 is going great so far.

 

••

I'm sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy
after you made me look at your ultrasound.
I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

 

••

Night vs Morning.
At night: I can't sleep.
In the morning: I can't wake up.

 

••

Please pray for girls everywhere who are getting a
"What's up" text right now..
Be strong. Don't answer...... Eat ice cream.

 

••

Bumping into an old girlfriend, Marvin invited her for
coffee and told her that he'd given up accounting to
take up writing.
"That's terrific!" she said, "I really admire a person
who follows their dream.
Tell me, have you sold anything?"
"Sure have," he replied.
"My house, my car, all my stocks, and bonds...."

 

••

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked
me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good
answer for him..
 

••
Why don't gang members ever become nuns?
Because they find it difficult to say Superior after the
word mother.....

••
First Guy: "Now my old grand daddy, he knew the exact
day of the year that he was going to die.
It was the right year too.
Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day,
and he was right about that too".
Second Guy: "Wow, that's absolutely amazing.
Was he psychic? Just how did he know all that"?
First Guy: "The Judge told him"....
 

••
Kids are like doughnuts.
Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and
you're like, "What the hell have I done?"

 

••

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP
THE CAR...

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