☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

Growing up, my parents never grounded me unless they
were really really mad.
I can remember the first time they caught me drinking
under age.
Mom freaked out and grounded me for a month,
but I guess that was a reasonable response for a parent
of a second grader..

 

••

Wife choose one.....
Wives can be only one of three kinds:
 1. Pretty, but unloyal.
 2. Loyal, but ugly.
 3. Pretty and loyal, but inflatable..

 

••

You don‘t truly know your car until you know exactly how
far you can go, after the gas gauge needle passes the
E (Emtpy)..

••
whats the difference between a elephant fart and
saloon?
one is a bar room the other is a BAAARRRROOOMMM ..

 

••

On my wedding day, I took my golf clubs to the church.
My bride to be said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
I said, "Well, this isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Just Warnings .......

 

••
  On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place"
  On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast
augmentation.
  On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime
scene.
  Sign in an airplane: "After use, please return stewardess
to upright position."
   Sign on a divorce lawyer's door: "Satisfaction guaranteed
or your honey back."
  Sign on a clothing store: "Come inside and have a fit."
  Sign in a pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."  
  Sign on a diaper service truck: "Rock a dry baby."
  Sign in an elevator: "Eighth-floor button broken.
Please push three and five.....

 

••

The best time to give advice...to your children is while
they're still young enough to believe you know what
you're talking about......

•• 
A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was
never shy about telling the voters why they should send him
to Washington.
"I am a practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting.
"I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse--in fact, I should
like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can not do."
Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back
of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"

 

••

My neighbor keeps getting concussion he only lives
a stones throw away.

 

••

The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks
is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.

 

••

Politicians are proof of reincarnation...
you can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.

 

••

NURSE: do you have any allergies?
 ME: burnt bread..
 NURSE: you're allergic to burnt bread?
 ME: yes I'm black toast intolerant.....

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

My wife had plastic surgery last week...
I cut up her credit cards.

 

••

My wife and son were shopping... in the mall,
when she eyes an expensive fur coat.
"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present
instead of making Dad shop for me."
My son gave her a sarcastic look.
"And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
My son protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor, dumb
creature has to suffer immensely so that you can have this."
"Don't worry, honey," she said.
"He won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

 

••

Is Viagra classified as a soft drug, or a hard drug?

 

••

I remember once flying into Boston Logan AP
on a little pond hopper.
The Plane came down a little harder than the pilot intended...
 Let's face it, we hit the runway like a rock.

A few minutes later the Pilot came over the intercom and
said "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just landed at Logan
Air Port"
 One yelled back "NO SHIT..!!!"

 

••

My mother-in-law's text alert is an entire song.
Starting to think my father-in-law's rage isn't really from
Vietnam..

 

••

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II"
video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because
every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.
When asked about this "glitch," Chuck replied,
"That's no glitch."

 

••

The greatest trick the devil ever played was offering a buy
one get one free sale one day after you already purchased
two at regular price..

 

••••

 

 

☺☺

Hill-Trump..

 

••

♥

Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.......

 

••

I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple
Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like
some kind of homeless person...

••
There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting
names on their food..
I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin..

 

••

WIFE: The police are at the front door..
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

 

••

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still
uses a flip phone.

 

••

 (business meeting)
 *drops pen on the floor*
 *bends over to pick it up*
 *shirt comes untucked*
 *all the jelly beans start falling out*

 

••

Bad news, the police just seized our German holiday bread.
They said it was stollen.
Folks, they said it was stollen.

 

••

*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm....
 

••
A friend asked how I’d describe a hot air balloon,
and I just told him it’s a lot like my ex, but with a basket.

 

••

Me: You just backed the car over my Harley !
Wife: "Well, you shouldn't have left it on the lawn !"

 

••••

 

 

# 2930

☺☺

 

••

♥

 I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
 Life is hard.

 

••

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my
coworkers' dates & find out who chooses to put up with these
people for free.

 

••

All these people on FB posting pics of their kids makes feel
so blessed...I don't have ugly children.
 

••
Unroll wrapping paper.
 Shoo cat away
 Turn to get gift
 Shoo cat away
 Get tape
 Dammit cat
 Get tape
 Wrap up cat
 Wrap up gift
 Pet cat..

 

••

Did you know it is scientifically proven that people with
more birthdays live longer?

 

••

 Four Worst Feelings Ever:
 4. Losing your job
 3. Romantic break up
 2. Death of a loved one
 1. Needing to pee when you're stuck in traffic.......

 

••

 Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
 *lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
 (in customer service line at Walmart)

 

••

Christmas 12:15am]
Mrs. Claus: Shouldn't you have left by now?
Santa: [throwing couch cushions]
WHERE THE HELL ARE MY KEYS.....

 

••

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad,
so these last few days have been my time to shine.

 

•• 

"Damnit!" -a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled
with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

 

••••

 

 

 

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

My wife had her driver's test the other day..
She got 8 out of 10..
The other 2 guys jumped clear..

 

•• 

I discovered Santa wasn't real when my plan to drug him
and rob his sleigh put my dad in ER having his stomach
pumped.

 

••

I just won a free proctological exam
but I know I'll end up paying for it in the end.

 

••

My wife gave me a "Get Better Soon" card.
I'm not sick, just not very good at sex.

 

••

I met a blonde at the bar the other night.
Later that evening I asked if I could see her home.
She reached in her purse and showed me a picture
of her house.

 

••

Son: "Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have
to ask mom for her permission to go out?"
Dad: "Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go
out without her permission!"

 

••

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas
so I'll have more things to take away when I need to
punish them..

 

••

ME: [in Santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was
hard....... how does Santa do it?
 WIFE: well Santa's not real, hun..
 ME: [drops cookie] WHAT!

 

••

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting
rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling,
"Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

 

••

90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering
around looking for my keys..

 

••••