Tuesday, April 5, 2016


Whenever I see bacon in the pan, I think,
‘Now, that's parallel porking.'
A woman walking in front of me sped up
so I sped up too.
She started walking even faster
So I started walking faster too.
She started running, so I started running too!
She started screaming, so I started screaming too!!
I have no idea what we were running from,
but I was terrified!!!
Just saw a car with "Just Married" on the back window.
Do people still do that?
Get married, I mean..
*[At the dinner table]*
"No grandma, those aren't knitting needles.
We're having Chinese food"
- What are the three words that are most often found in
the inscriptions in the world?
- "I love you".
- Not really. Those three words are "Made in China"!
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy,
“Dad, tomorrow there’s a special ‘Adults’ evening’ at school.
 Daddy is surprised, “Really? Special?”
“Yes,” nods Johnny, “it will be just you, the teacher,
the Principal and two police officers.”
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your
dance partner until he doesn't want to dance anymore.
Flex heard women love a man in uniform
So he got a job at McDonald's ....
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God's way of telling us
that it's okay to eat before going to bed.