Sunday, April 3, 2016


Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would
embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment
with a man.
He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading
off with "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!"
In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and
explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor.
"What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too.
I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one.
Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the
female parrot arrives."
Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot.
It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care
for the owl.
He glared at it.
That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she
opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a
Then, suddenly, she heard the parrot screech and she
knew that things hadn't changed.
"Somebody's gonna get it tonight!
Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said.
The owl said, "Whoo? Whoo?
And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed Bitch!"
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like
The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack
1st grade critical thinking skills. 
One state official to the other: "I don't know what people
have against us - We haven't done anything."
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two
thousand of something.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling
and gave me a hug.......
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions
because running into a raccoon when I take out the
trash isn't scary enough.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items
again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn't
piss anyone off.
Jessica was testifying in court with regards to a case she
had filed for molestation.
She said, "It was late at night, and I was in this dark alley,
when he grabbed me from behind, and tore my short dress.
He pulled down my undies and bent me over a box...
I can't even remember what happened after that...!"
Judge Simmons, panting by now, said,
"Make something up, will you!!"
Why did the leper fail his driving test?
He left his foot on the clutch.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive..
They settle their differences by playing Uno..
Loser leaves earth.....
I'm an ice sculptor.
Last night I made a cube.