Wednesday, April 6, 2016



Last week I got eczema, diarrhea, and hemorrhoids.
It's the first time I ever won a game of Scrabble.
A reporter asks a 101 yr old man--to what
do you attribute your long life?
I don't rightly know yet he replied----
I'm still negotiating with 2 breakfast food companies.
"I'd move heaven and earth to break 100,"
puffed the rookie golfer as he thrashed away at
the ball in deep rough.
"Try heaven," advised his playing partner.
"I think you've already moved enough earth."
 FRIEND: what was the best day of your life
 WIFE: our wedding day
 ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave
me 2 cans instead of 1)
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder
what you just said?
ME: I'll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor*
Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
A 6 yr old runs up and down a supermarket
aisle yelling frantically--Marian--Marian!!
Finally reunited with his mother--she scolds him:
You shouldn't call me Marian--after all--I'm your Mother.
I know he says---but the supermarket is full of Mothers....

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't
get orange.
No weirdos.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness
changed his statement after giving it to the police,
he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.
"For example," the judge said, "when I entered my
chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch
in my pocket, then I remembered that I had left it on my
nightstand in my bedroom."
When the judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked,
"Why so much urgency for your watch?
Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you
was a bit extreme?"
"What?" exclaimed the judge.
"I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people.
What did you do?"
"I gave it to the first one," replied his wife,
"after all, he knew exactly where it was."