Monday, April 4, 2016


The lady in front of me wearing yoga pants keeps
bending over to pick up quarters,
hope she will for dimes too,
as I'm out of quarters.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind
I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
There's a Gulf between peoples' appreciation of cartoons.
Dubai doesn't like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a
hitman cleaning his rifle.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
"Huh? What?"
It's been 3 days since my last-
 [sound of diarrhea]
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes
by eating the entire box of donuts.
*walks in on home intruder...
"omg please don't look at the dust!"
This world would be a much better place if some people's
mothers would've just had a headache....

A wife tells her husband while watching a
Mexican TV series, "Look, how much he loves her…"
"Yes. But do you know how much he's being paid for that?"
Always live on the bottom floor it's further from heaven
and harder for God to see you sinning....
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. '
Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our
extra money into it'.