Saturday, April 2, 2016


Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up
at school.
Worse news:
I'm a bus driver..........

Don't ask me for directions...  I got lost on an elevator once.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a "tip" for driving
her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Police officer: "What are you doing on this road, Dracula?"
Dracula: "Looking for the main artery, officer."
Gina said to her daughter Amy, "What kind of a guy is this
new boyfriend of yours?....... Is he decent?"
Amy replied, "Yes, Mom.
He is very decent and well regarded.
He is a miser, never touches booze, does not smoke,
has a sweet wife and four adorable well-behaved kids."
With me, it's not PRIDE that comes before a fall.
It's half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart,
but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart,
but I'm imaginary smart".
Do I believe in climate change?
Uhh yeah I believe… it DOESN’T EXIST AHH HAHA
(a fiery gull falls out of the sky) HA,ha,ha, hey fire bird...
 "Just dashing to the shops"
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up,
chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
There’s a lot to be said about marriage,
but we try not to say it in front of the children.