Monday, March 14, 2016


When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store,
I wonder...does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car
is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,
dirt and blood. He asks his friend,
"What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what
about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing
things that taste good with quinoa, please stop.....
The only thing more shocking than finding water on
planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness. 
Good News, Bad News, Worse News ......
You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
She keeps interrupting.
With corrections....
My friends are like "hey come camping with us this
weekend" & I'm like "I can't, I have to get new friends"
Hi, is your resort child friendly?
Yes it is sir.
Would you like to make a reservation?
*hangs up.....
I'm gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about
all the nothing that I'm doing, just to even the score.
GOD: You all have a divine purpose..
HORSE: I will plow man's field..
COW: I will give man milk..
GUINEA PIG: I will test man's shampoo..
I'm hoping the nuclear strike button & the trap-door for
hecklers button on Trump's desk are completely different
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel
and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather
rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least.
After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel
museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man
who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
Abe replied, "Bring him in...... We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist.
"You were right about both the mummy's age and cause
of death.
How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said,
'10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."